Bear With Me On This, It May Take A While To Develop -
Also, I am rather winging it by the seat of my pants, so I've no idea how long this Intro will be even if I do have an outline of what it will constitute.
Firstly, let me dispel any misapprehensions you may have about today's title - O and WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS you disgusting lechers. I need to get that in first. Art!
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| "RUG!" "RUG", Art, "RUG" |
Going for the rugged look
Fret ye not, for we aren't going to be dwelling o'erlong on the role or history of bullfighting; Ernest Hemingway Your Humble Scribe is most certainly not (apart from the white hair, perhaps). Interestingly enough, the Porks also practice bullfighting in subtly different fashion from their Iberian cousins; if the bull has put up a good enough performance, then rather than being turned into rump steaks and mince, it's allowed to regain it's health and go off to pasture. Art!
One of the better-crafted of sci-fi's authors, because he came from a literary not a scientific background, Ol' Rog also had fun with his interesting version of a 21st Century matador, only his are called 'Mechadors' because they attempt to defeat and kill semi-sentient automobiles in the arena. It is the tale of Manolo Stillete Dos Muertos, who had been killed twice in the ar
ANYWAY back to Matadors. Art!
With puny humans for scale
Yes, it's a truck. Before you faint with boredom, allow me to enlighten you that it was also an artillery tractor, being used to tow medium artillery, because medium artillery is heavy and you need a brute of a truck to tow them. Art!
Matador and a "Five-Five", which is a six-ton gun you can't shift with a Jeep. Conrad well remembers from his youth the old Airfix kit that had both of the above. Art!
Airfix boxes always had great cover art. That one makes driving a truck look exciting. Art!
The reason for this Intro
And this, ladies and gentlemen and those unsure, is a 'Matador'. It was the first native South Canadian cruise missile and came into service in 1952, lasting until 1962, so it would have been a part of the nuclear arsenals Conrad was speculating about yesteryon in the years leading up to and including the Cuban Missile Crisis. It would be regarded as pretty crude today, since it simply went hell-for-leather off the launch pad, burnt up all it's fuel as quickly as possible, and was instructed by the launch crew to carry out a terminal dive onto target. Which it was unlikely to hit, since the CEP was on the order of a mile. The warhead was only (!) of 50 Kt yield so a miss might allow the target to survive. Art!
This is the Matador being propelled off it's launcher - and apparently destroying it in the process - by a JATO 'rocket bottle', i.e. 'Jet Assisted Take Off'. The JATO lasted for all of 2.5 seconds to get the missile airborne, by which it had hit 250 m.p.h. and I can see a few petrolheads out there wondering how that would translate into a car adaptation.
Martin Baltimore Introduces "The Missile Man" -- Matador Missile (Poor Audio) - YouTube
That there is a link to a publicity film about the Matador, all in lovely sepia-tinted Fifties film stock. Art!
Also, 'Matador' is something unspeakably boring about a card game called 'Skat', which is even duller than trucks, so that it for this iteration. Art!
At the other end of the missile spectrum is this Matador, which is for anti-tank or anti-structure use, even if they call it a rocket, because after all a rocket is still a missile (in the broadest sense of the word). The groan-inducing acronym comes from: Man-portable Anti-Tank Anti-DOoR. Really, chaps, you ought to leave the puns to Conrad. Art!
This beast is a Matador outdoor kitchen barbecue. Which would be just fine and dandy for cooking up a few rump steaks -
I think this is where we came in.
"The War Illustrated"
Even if the cover date is mid-April 1944, please remember that the magazine deliberately printed photographs weeks after they had been taken, in order to maintain what we nowadays call 'OpSec', or not giving the game away. Art!
For your information, the 5th Army was primarily the South Canadians on the western side of the Italian peninsula; 8th Army were on the eastern side. So, given that we see British & Commonwealth soldiers here, I suspect they got the title wrong.
At top port, you can see a bunch of Tommies perusing the papers whilst waiting to get a haircut and shave, two luxuries not often possible in the front lines. To starboard you see one of the unsung units of this war - Italian volunteers of the Co-Belligerent Forces, ready to lead a mule train of supplies up into the mountains. Next to port are soldiers darning, stitching and variously upcycling socks. Don't laugh; dirty wet socks breed foot disease. Next to starboard is a field radio unit, apparently in the hills around Monte Cassino. The bottom photo shows a unit of Sherman tanks on the move; note the lead tank with spare tracks draped over the front hull to (hopefully) increase protection*.
Suicide Soapy Slide At The Blood Bath Of DEATH!
Conrad caught a Youtube title yesteryon and, because he is nosy, followed up on it. It was about "The Queen's Bath", which is a shoreline rock formation in Hawaii, where Hawaiian royalty used to dabble their toes. Art!
With puny humans for scale
Yes yes yes, it looks delightful, and it's free, which also weighs heavily in it's favour, were it not for a couple of associated dangers. Firstly, the route there is completely undeveloped, being very steep and slick with mud. Art!
More pertinently, the shoreline around the Q's B is prone to 'sneaker' waves, which are un-usually large waves that arrive without warning, and which have drowned 30 people who were standing around not being aware. Art!
Fair enough. But it won't stop some people.
"City In The Sky"
Our trio of intrepid explorers are now down on the surface of planet Earth, able to look up at the sky. They can't see Arcology One - it's daylight, and bright daylight at that.
‘Phew! I’m glad to be out of
that!’ opined Ace. Alex nodded in
agreement, having felt uneasy at the complete abandon they’d been walking
amongst. ‘Prof, why land in the middle
of a jungle? I’ve got a ladder in my
tights.’
He waved at the middle distance.
‘That’s why.’
A tragic panorama of skyscrapers, high-rise office buildings, apartment
complexes and power pylons stood crumbling, covered with creeping vines,
sagging with an air of solemn and funeral finality, less than a mile away. One building at least twenty storeys tall had
suffered a catastrophic failure of the middle columns, leaving the two flanking
remnants to lean in like a gigantic pack of cards. Trees could be seen growing on any level
surface. Mosses and algaes gave the
abandoned buildings a uniform camouflage of mottled olive, softening the eroded
concrete, steel and brick.
The Doctor pointed with his umbrella.
‘If we materialised in that area, we’d risk the noise causing a collapse
of any particularly fragile buildings.
In any urban area there would be a risk of sub-surface collapse thanks
to sewers or subways or tube railway systems.
A garden poses none of those risks.
Now, let us venture forth and see what we can see.’
Hmmm canny chap. Round of appla - ah - perhaps not.
Sailing Schadenfreude
One thing that's cropped up on my Youtube 'Shorts' of late is videos of people desperately running back to their cruise ship to avoid having it leave before they get aboard. Art!
One vlogger claimed that a particular type of cruise passenger deliberately books rooms that allow them to spectate in the participation sport of 'Cruise Running', probably with a vuvuzela and a bag of popcorn.
There's actually quite a bit to unpack from those two words - No! 'Cruise Runners' not 'Sailing Schadenfreude'. We'll come back to it, just you wait and see.
* This is a whole blog in itself.
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