Virginia Wolf

NO! That Is NOT A Typo!!

I apologise for the near-Continental levels of hyperbole that come with using TWO exclamation marks at once, but I wanted to make a point.  You should know by now that Conrad doesn't make spelling mistakes, and if any particular word looks odd or unusual then it's because it's at the heart of hilarious punnery or satire.

     As with this one.  This title is actually a misnomer, because wolves have been 'extirpated' from the state, as the Virginia Department of Wildlife and Resources puts it, because 'exterminated' has far too much of a Dalek ring to it.

"Extirpate!  Extirpate!" - just doesn't have the same ring to it.

     They used to be all over the state until people with guns took umbrage.

     ANYWAY that has little or nothing to do with Virginia Woolf, who was an author of frightfully important literary worth, which means her works doubtless lack tanks, atom bombs or zombies, unless that author who tries to do pastiches of classics comes up with "Orlandof The Dead"*.  Art!

Viggy

     "What's the old gin-sozzled fart on about now?" I hear you quibble.  Pausing only to point out that gin is perfectly horrid, I shall extirpate explicate.

     One of Viggy's most highly regarded works is "To The Lighthouse", which, to judge by the precis I've read about it, sounds like an insufferable bore where nothing happens, and it happens VERY SLOWLY.  Art!

     This is the first thing that popped into my rubbish-tip skip of a mind when I discovered that the BBC had put up a list of Historic Photographer Of The Year photographs; there was also much gleeful rubbing of hands, since a theme like this definitely lightens my creative load for many days at a time.  Art!

Courtesy Steve Liddiard

     Oodles of atmosphere, hmmmm?  Indeed, it more resembles a Tesla Tower than anything else.  In real life it is the Whiteford Point lighthouse off the Gower Peninsula in Wales, put up to mark the dangerous Whiteford Point shoals.  Most unusually, it is constructed of cast iron rather than the usual stone, and has been standing for over 150 years.  If the fancy takes one, it can be walked to at low tide.

     Do you know, it was the troops of Perfidious Albion with matches who transformed the White House into a Light House.  Heh.

     Motley!  Come be a test subject for this coal-flavoured ice cream.  Don't wolf it all down at once, now.

"The War Illustrated"

We have now caught up to the actual publication date of 27/11/1942 as seen on the front of this fortnightly work, for which we are all grateful.  Art!

The RAF's Giant Flying Mallets of Bomber Command

     When I say GFM I mean the Avro Lancaster, the Brylcreem Boy's weapon of choice.  The caption says there are 47 of them present, which we have to take on trust, although Your Humble Scribe did get to at least 40.  That's over 85 tons of bad news about to be delivered.  In this instance it was on the Schneider arsenal at Le Creusot, i.e. in France, which was working for the Teuton war effort.  Safe to say the arsenal did not work as efficiently after this visit with prejudice as it did before.  Art!

     The raid put the factory out of action completely for 3 weeks, and repairs were still going on eight months later, nearing completion - at which point the RAF came back and repeated the process.  Heh.

"Warriors For The Working Day" By Peter Elstob

Another unjustly forgotten work re-printed by the Imperial War Museum, this one concerns a tank crew just prior to D-Day and the campaign afterwards.  The reason I mention it after only just beginning to read it is down to a catering note.  One of the tank crew offers to make 'Burgoo' whilst they are stopped.  Conrad immediately pictures a gigantic cooking vessel with at least a stone of meat and vegetables simmering for hours -

     But no.  This is not the South Canadian 'roadkill stew'.  It is a vile-sounding porridge made by cooking army oatmeal biscuits in milk over a primus stove <shudders at this being called 'porridge'>, the resulting concoction being mashed up.  Art!

Burgoo

The Mayhem And Misery Multiplies! - "Tormentor"

CAUTION! The following is in quite the opposite spirit of BOOJUM! and consists of horror themes and the supernatural.  Do not read it expecting a load of non sequiteurs and puns.  It's what I wrote at least 6 years ago but more probably 12 or so.

‘Might she have gone to see a boyfriend?  Not wanted her mother to know?’

              Louis shook his head emphatically.

              ‘Hardly!  She’s a sensible and well-behaved girl, not some airheaded bimbo.  Besides, I’d pull his arms and legs off if he tried to get her over there in secret.’

              There were a few other inconsequential questions before both police officers stood and made to leave, followed by Louis, chewing his lip .  Once in the hallway at the door, as if on a whim, the male turned to Louis.

              ‘You wouldn’t mind if we just had a quick look around your house, would you, Mister McMahon?’

              ‘Yes I b***** well would mind!’ he snorted.  ‘You haven’t got a search warrant, have you?  So I could say “No”.’  Before either officer could speak he continued.  ‘But I won’t.  Go on. Search away.’

              They were discreet and quick, only returning to ask if he could open the garage door.

              ‘Not easily,’ he replied, frowning.  ‘I need to find the keys.’

              Five minutes of searching in kitchen drawers revealed the keys to the main garage door and the smaller access door. Louis led the constables out and they inspected the empty, dusty, mouldy garage.

              ‘Park on the road?’ asked the male officer.

              ‘No car,’ growled Louis.

              Neither seemed convinced of his innocence, from what he could see of their reactions.  They took their leave, then went to visit the old bat, Mrs Ingle, who lived opposite.  Louis felt a nasty satisfying twist of relish when he realised the old cow would be watching the constables leave his residence – and approach her.

              ‘Serves her right,’ he muttered.  For all the whisky he’d consumed, he didn’t feel at all drunk, merely malicious.

     One hopes you are picking up on allusions to cars and the past.

"Dear Earth, Having A Smashing Time"

Also on a serious theme, we here at BOOJUM! have gone on at length about the risk of collision with Near Earth Objects, and how early detection is critical: the further off the potential impact is, the less effort is needed to steer any impactors away from an intercepting orbit.

     Can we steer any such sky rocks away?  The NASA DART mission intends to find out.  "Double Asteroid Redirection Test" before you ask and Conrad wonders if there's a place for him at NASA coming up with these names and acronyms, because he's

DART

     The idea is that DART is going to target the smaller of a binary asteroid pair, this system being named Didymos.  NASA is able to track both very precisely, so when DART smacks the oof out of hits the smaller body at 5 miles per second in September next year, it will affect the orbit.  Not by much - yet still an affect, which is just what you want.  NASA telescopes will be watching closely.

*  I think that's pretty clever myself, even if Ol' Virgie would definitely sniff at it.