B.E.R.L.I.N.

Beery Evening Reading Late Into Night
Oh, I'm sorry, you were expecting the German capital city?  If you were then you must be new round here, as regular readers know Conrad to be an unreliable witness at best, positively treacherous at worst.  Also, I'm giving you just cause to gasp in awe at how clever I am, or roll your eyes in mute disgust at how I stoop to trivialise Unter Den Linden for traffic.
     We'll get to the beer later, don't worry.  First of all, the "reading" bit of the above.
     If Laura Dachroui is reading this, she can come out of hiding. 
     "But why would she be hiding, Conrad?" I hear you say.  "Surely with your generous wholesome heart you will have forgiven the young lady whate'er she might have done or undone?"
     Hmmm, you know, I like this flattering approach.  Keep it up.  It doesn't work, but, still, keep it up.
     Well, I lent Laura a couple of recent Thomas Pynchon novels, "Bleeding Edge" and "Inherent Vice", and she then left the business whilst I was away.  No books returned <sad face> and I've only read them once each <sad face transitions into angry face> so was faced with re-ordering from Abebooks <angry face explodes>.
     To break up all this text, I'm going to add a picture:

<angry face reassembles into happy face>

     I found them.  Quite by coincidence as I wasn't looking.  In fact I was on my way back from the Mail Room, travelling through an unfamiliar part of the floor when I espied a couple of books on top of the lockers.  Given that they were pushed back from the edge of a seven-foot tall locker, only someone of your gifted author's height would have seen them, and only someone of your talented typist's nosiness would have stopped to look at them.
     Right, that's Thomas Pynchon and coincidence in one neat and tidy package.  Let the motley begin!

The Travails Of Time
Hey, that sounds like a good title for a Mark Gatiss-penned episode of Doctor Who*!  Having written it first, I have copyright, okay Mark?
     In fact this has nothing to do with our favourite Gallifreyan and rather more about Conrad's day not beginning well.  I forgot to turn my alarm clock on and instead of arising at 6 a.m. found myself being awoken by the Mansion staff moving around, at 6:50 a.m.
     O noes!  Hasty shave and shower.  Take car!  Car gone.  Take bus!  Only just, the 24 came a couple of minutes early and only an undignified dash enabled your humble scribe to catch it.  There will be an ironic counterpart to this later on.

"Ironic counterpart" is dull.  Here's a weird fish instead

     Plus, I had shod myself with my slip-on trainers which take mere seconds to do, as opposed by lace-up shoes, which would have taken long enough to miss the bus.  Trouble is, "slip-on" is also a description of their function in wet weather as they have 0 % traction on wet flagstones, meaning I had to mince carefully - and slowly - to the bus stop after work.

"Person Of Interest"
Nearing the end of Series Three of this programme and things are hotting-up.  Not only do we have The Machine, we also have it's untrammelled rival Samaritan.  The villain of the moment - actually of several episodes - is Greer.  

The Greer leer here
(Probably just burnt down an orphanage)

Obviously, since this is a South Canadian telvision drama, he is played by an English character actor.  Conrad, who is as English as toasted crumpets and loose-leaf Darjeeling tea, forestalled Greer pronouncing one of his sinister sentences.  "Finesse!" I shouted, seconds before Greer himself.
     Conrad - mirroring the thought processes of the evil and corrupt.  
     It's a gift.

How To Add 157 And Make A Bus Vanish
As you probably know by now, Conrad and First Bus have a prickly and aggressive relationship, caused by them being run by a bunch of knuckle-dragging proto-human rejects from the Fail bin of evolution.
     Not to rush to judgement, but they were at it again tonight.  Conrad got to the bus stop only just ahead of the 24 - only to see an inspector wave it past.
    "It's going around and coming back," he lied.  

First Bus Inspector Role Model

Yes, it went around, and - you'll never guess what! - it was now the 181.  Which is a whole lot less convenient for your modest artisan, and also adds twenty minutes to the journey.
     Conrad can hear the First Bus HQ staff, chortling as they watch the seething mob of passengers storming their bus - or the substitute for same.
     "That'll teach them not to have chauffeur-driven cars and helicopters and personal jet packs like us!"
     You just wait, First.  One day you're going to get yours.  One day.

The Beer
As First make the 24 disappear, I am going to make this vanish:

     This particular conjuring trick is one I'm going to enjoy.



*  I'm not going to add quotes to this, it's the most famous television series in the world ever and you ought to know exactly what I'm talking about.

Conrad Is CROSS!

In Both Senses Of The Word
Literal and poetic, that is.  The literal part is the hot cross bun, which you can't get at any time of the year but Easter, so after going through fourteen recently I've now bought another twelve, that should see the Mansion through till Wednesday at least.
     The anger-management part of "cross" is because Conrad recalled a nursery rhyme about hot cross buns, which drove him to heights of unparallelled rage.
     "How can this be?" I hear you asking.  "For surely you are as sweet of temper as a little old lady with a dozen cats?"  Yes, nice try with the flattery.  I shall elucidate*:

"Hot Cross Buns, Hot Cross Buns"

Really!  This is insulting the intelligence of the listener.  We KNOW the song is about Hot Cross Buns, we are NOT deaf nor mentally deficient, no need to repeat it.

"One A Penny, Two A Penny"

What?  What's going on here?  How many do you get for a penny?  Why does the rate of transaction vary wildly by one hundred per cent?   The Dow Jones and LSE are losing percentage points because of your economic uncertainty!

"Hot Cross Buns"

I KNOW THE RHYME IS ABOUT HOT CROSS BUNS ALREADY!

"If you have no daughters -"

A shockingly cruel allusion to all the couples out there with fertility problems.

"Give them to your sons."

Honestly, these people have no morals, do they?  So, the gender of the recipient determines whether they get first pick, does it?  And again, what about couples who have no offspring by choice?  How do you think this makes them feel?  You monsters!

"One a penny, two a penny"

Stockbrokers across the western world are hurling themselves out of windows because of you, you financial harpies.

"Hot Cross Buns"

Yes yes yes, I pointed this out already - the rhymes not about High-Speed Sausage Making Machines, is it?  WELL IS IT!

The evil of the HXB

Further Of Food
As the saying goes, when you have lemons, you make lemonade.  Conrad is not entirely sure of the applicability of this saw, since if he wants to make lemonade he is most certainly going to buy lemons.  What do you do if you have pulpy bashed bananas?  No, you do not make banana-ade**.

No lemons were harmed in making this cake

      You make Banana Bread instead.  The recipe calls it a "bread" but it's really a cake.  That above is the gluten-free version that Wonder Wifey requested, because if I did that then she'd do this -

     A bake of sorts.  Cauliflower, broccoli, onions, garlic and bacon with a cheese sauce, all done on the "Chuck it in and see if it works" method.  It was jolly tasty, and filling too.  That's teamwork for you.

Conrad Is Happy!
I know I said I was cross but I have the emotional stability of a weathercock in a windstorm.  I have discovered that "FILMS FROM BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER***" has a Facebook page.  Art?

Please note the date

     This blog is the creation of Brian Schuck, and it lovingly details obscure, cult or commercially successful films from the Fifties and Sixties, with genuine critical detail.  Brian puts thought into analysing the films here, and his reviews are well worth reading.  Herein a link to the blog:

http://www.filmsfrombeyond.info/

     The blog itself hasn't been updated since October last year, when previously it had been done regularly <makes sad face> until I discovered yesterday that Brian had continued his reviewing on Facebook <makes happy face>.  Well worth checking out if you have any interest in Fifties & Sixties science-fiction/horror films

X The Unknown, of recent vintage here at BOOJUM!

I Do Apologise, Tom
Quiet Tom, not Noisy Tom.  Damn it, how confusing is it when you have Sophie and Sophie and Liam and Liam and Tom and Tom!
     Anyway <adjusts bow tie, takes deep breath> I refer to Tom's comment to your humble scribe - did I know that there existed a comics character called "Captain Britain"?
     Of course your modest artisan, ever-ready to prove his Anorak Comics Badge, replied "Yes, of course".
     Well I was wrong.  I looked up Captain Britain, who turned out to be someone completely different to the person I was thinking of, to wit:

The Captain.
Foreign evil-doers beware^!

     The chap I was recalling had, I'm sure, a bulldog as a sidekick.  So far he has eluded me on Google, but just you wait, just you wait ...

* "Elucidate - to make things clear" - you'll be lucky <translation courtesy Mister Hand>
** Although this has now got me thinking ...
***  You just have to pronounce it like that, block capitals in an imposing voice
^ Don't worry, France, we're terrific chums now.

Double Trouble

Thank You Sophie
No, no, not that Sophie - she's the expert baker - this Sophie, whom Conrad sits next to at work.  The Pusheen fan, remember?

Pusheen.  Obviously.  I mean, it's not Sophie, is it?

     Anyway, there I was, grinding through hundreds of e-mails, sanity stretched close to breaking point*, when I mentioned to Sophie that I'd watched a Czech animation she'd recommended.  From there, logically enough, she mentioned Richard Ayoade (Mos from "The IT Crowd") and a film he'd directed called "The Double".

Richard

     As you already know, it takes very little for Conrad's mind to go off on a flight of fancy, very little indeed, and "Double" was enough to do it.
     Hence this post.

Doppleganger
Yes there is a double here - this is German for "Double-goer" and means another person who is the spitting image of yourself.  In the more sinister folklore of Central and Eastern Europe they weren't merely a duplicate, they were your evil duplicate who sought to destroy and replace you.
     Some twenty years ago your humble scribe was the doppelganger of Robbie Robertson, musician and ex-member of The Band.  Here's a still from the film "Carny":

Perhaps I flatter myself a tad.  But only a tad.

     Maurice, the office cleaner, caught sight of a clipping of RR I'd stuck to the office wall and was terribly confused.
     I've also seen "Carny" and it's extremely peculiar to see yourself talking in a Canadian accent.  
     To date I'm not sure if I or RR is the evil twin seeking to take over the other's life.  

Double Diamond
Conrad remembers the tagline from the adverts "Double Diamond works wonders!" which is an odd assertion to make as it's a beer, not a superhero serum, although some chronic wine-bibbers might disagree.
     Anyway, a picture of the scamp:

Oh no!

    Oops.  They appear to have inspired Daredevil as that's his logo.  Art?  Different evidentiary picture, please.

Wild claims indeed

     -  but at least it's not shockingly sexist.  It's still around, in a small way.

Double Dutch
Meaning incomprehensible language.  Why the unfortunate Dutch?  After all, Hungarian sounds a lot more complicated, and Russian uses a different alphabet.
     Apparently the phrase was originally longer - "Double Dutch coiled against the sun", meaning something done in a clumsy or incorrect way, and we've pared it down from that.


     Ha.  Sometimes I amuse even me.

Double Cream
Admit it, you've never wondered about double cream before, have you?  To you it's just a dairy liquid to pour over your pudding.

I prove my point

     NO! NO IT IS NOT!
     If I may elaborate, double cream has a much higher fat content than single cream, almost 50% as opposed to less than 20%.  It is thus able to stand up to the rigours of baking or boiling that single cream would curdle at.  You can also whip it into a solid form, which can then be sweetened with icing sugar and piped onto cakes as a filling.  Brought to the boil and with chocolate added, it becomes the versatile ganache.
     So.  Useful for a lot more than merely drizzling over your pie.

Double Tap
Now, this one is rather less pleasant than chocolate decoration, so you may look away now if of a nervous disposition, or if you lack Conrad's (rather worrying) obsession with guns.
     To those in the business of rendering bad guys dead by filling them with high-velocity projectiles, the phrase "Double Tap" means shooting said bad guy twice, usually once in the upper body's centre of mass to immobilise them, then another shot to their head.  This is very likely to mean that they no longer take an interest in the world around them**.  Hrm.  Art?  Be subtle, please.

Not quite what I expected.  Still SFW thankfully

"Double Deckers, The"
This was a children's television programme from 1970 that featured seven kids whose HQ was an old double decker bus that resided in an abandoned scrap yard.

And here they are

     A couple of the cast went on to bigger things - Brinsley Forde to be lead singer of the reggae band Aswad, and Peter Firth to become an established serious actor.

Double Time
Nothing to do with The Doctor.  Another military item, although a lot more innocuous than Double tapping.  Normally soldiers march at a certain pace that gets them from A to B efficiently and without wearing them out.  However, if an emergency arises - you need to get your platoon back to barracks before the canteen runs out - then you proceed at double time, i.e. twice as fast as normal.  Also known as "At the double", which is what some of the servicemen in "X The Unknown" were doing before the Mobile Mud Monster strikes.

"Double time, men, before they run out of haggis!"

* What do you mean, "How is that different?"
** Being dead will do that.