Conrad Laughs At Danger! Ha Ha Goes He -

Except Those Around Him Quiver With Fear
     It's because of my knife.  Only a small 4" serrated-blade one from Ikea, I find it handy and convenient to carry it around in my shirt pocket.  Because it's out of my line of sight, I frequently forget about it, only to be reminded by all the trembling sissies that I work with that it's sticking out of my pocket.  Gasp!  The horror!
     Look, I've been doing it for two years now and not suffered a scratch.
     That's not good enough?
     Okay, okay, feast your glazzies^ on this precaution, then:

"I'm not "Stab Man!  I'm not "Knifey Boy"!"

     An old rubber stuck on the tip.  Happy now?

That's Quite Enough Of That!
     The "that" in question is another car on another hoarding.  May I present the Ford Kuga.

In German at no extra cost.  Don't I spoil you!

     I know, I know, it's doubtless supposed to be pronounced "Cougar" and is the result of a $250,000 consultancy with a dozen staff at an advertising agency who worked on it for months.  Conrad is unconvinced.
     Allow me to christen it the "Ford Kugger", because, heck, "Kuga" is an artificial word that you can choose to pronounce any way you can.  Yeah.  The Ford Kugger.  Rhymes with -*

Apropos Of Nothing
     This film poster came up when I Googled about the Kugger - why, I have absolutely no idea.  It's Polish, and Polish film posters have long been known for creative wierdness.  That's young Harrison Ford looking more like Richard Burton, and a very ratty-looking Edward Fox, with a very frightened Carl Weathers lurking at the rear.

All in a lovely bilious green

     Oh, sorry, the film is "Force 10 From Navarone", even if Poland insists it's "Commandoes of Navarone".

Now, where were we before our Eastern European diversion?  Ah yes.  Punching the advertising agencies of this world squarely in the solar plexus**.

Coke - Happiness In A New Bottle.  Allegedly
     Behold the advert:

The same price for less, yes?

     If these boors could copyright the word "happiness" they would.
     Look, it's carbonated water, flavoured with plantain extract, with some unholy artificial swill added for sweetness.  How exactly is that "Happiness"?  If it is, then you have a very low expectation for being happy.  Conrad is happy when he has a 2-pint pot of tea on the go, with a dab of honey to sweeten it a little.

Coke.  Happiness in a new 1.75 kg form.

There's A Stone In My Shoe - Again!
     I only noticed once I'd got indoors.
     Where did it come from!  How did it get in my shoe, un-noticed and un-announced!
     It's not that I'm scared of stones.  Little rocks, ooooh yes, after watching "Apollo 18", and you never know when a little stone might turn -
     - I'm scaring myself here, I'll stop right now.

Blue Oyster Cult.  Hey, they're a Rock monster!

24
     A visual of this concept:

It goes from Rochdale to Ashton, but not on Sundays

24
     A visual of this concept:

"It's been a long time, Jack, welcome back"***

     Let's see what the screenplay for this latest "24" looks like (I have contacts you know):

Jack's Narration:
08:30  Alarm goes off.  Shoot clock.
09:30  Police arrive. Show them my awesome CTU badge. Told off, nod, go back to bed.
10:30  God I love being on holiday and having a lie-in!
11:30  Shower, leave my artistic designer stubble on.  Order a "Full English Breakfast"
12:30  God almighty, only just finished breakfast!  I feel very English, i.e. full
13:00  Nap to sleep off breakfast
14:30  Have afternoon tea and scones with jam.  Damn I could get used to this.
15:00  Go for stroll along Embankment.  Wow.  London, is, like reallllly old.
16:30  At Westminster.  Any moment now a terrorist will arrive. 
17:30  Any moment now.
18:30  Have now eaten 18 burgers from nearby stall, waiting. Stall owner now best friend
19:30  Give up on terrorists.  Find nearest pub.
22:00  Am now what locals call "the arse of a rat".  Taxi back to hotel.
22:30  Order chips, burgers, kebab and pizza from night menu.  Eat some, fall asleep.
01:45  Wake up in bed, still dressed.  Have been sick on pillow. Throw pillow away.
04:16  Stub toe going to bathroom in the dark.  Ring ex.  Tell her I still love her.
06:37  Wake up on toilet.  Bed too far away.  Lie on bathroom rug.
08:30  Mobile alarm rings.  End of this series.

*  "Jugger".  As in "Salute To The Jugger".  Why, what did you think it would rhyme with?
**  Conrad, being an alien, doesn't have one, and in fact isn't entirely sure where you Hom Sap keep it.
***  A line from the fantastic Chameleon's, "Mad Jack" IIRC
^  It means "eyes", and it's "Nadsat" from "A Clockwork Orange". There.  You are more literate already!



     

Going Bananas

There Were A Browning Bunch That Needed Using Up
     Which Wonder Wifey noticed, eyes gleaming like spotlights.
     "You can make That Cake!" she directed.  "That Cake" is Roasted Banana & Walnut Bread with a Maple Syrup Icing.  No walnuts in the Mansion - pecans will do as a substitute.  Of course it has to be absolutely cold before the icing gets added, which time is a torment and a trial for Wonder Wifey.  

Luckily I caught it before it got blackened.  "45 minutes" my hairy white behind - 70 is more like it

Productive Sunday
     Conrad updated his list of military history books, which now stands at <hem> and <coughcough> three  (look, that's one-seventh of what Andy Sangar has, never mind Jim Webster, so it's comparatively small).  Then it was reading "Against the Day" - again, with a mournful dog being needy and either whining or wanting to sit on your author's lap.  I have now reached the second part, "Iceland Spar".  I have mentioned how tangential Pynchon's plots are, the novel has now come back to the Chums Of Chance after focussing on three other major players, and Tom also breaks the fourth wall; you can look this up to prove I'm not pretending to read it.  Then it was time to take up pen and write more about "So You Want To Be A Supervillain?".

So much concentrated eeeeevil!

  I meant to stop at 12 but had really gotten on a roll and ended at 12:30 instead.  Yes, these details are important as they add verisimilitude and there may be a quiz later.
     Conrad then made a trip to Royton - not to buy anything, just to let the world witness My Awesome - came back and began That Cake.

FILMIC INTERLUDE

"This Is The End"

     If you cast your mind back, "The World's End" came out at the same time.  TITE is not based on the Doors song and is, indeed about the end of the world.  Unlike TWE there is no deus ex machina* to save everyone, the world really does end in TITE.  Except it's a comedy.

     To be honest, it is funny, and I especially liked the bit where Rihanna** gets thrown to her death in a gigantic fiery pit.  Thanks to the improvisation some scenes work and, by the law of averages, some scenes die a lonely death.

     I know BOOJUM! avoids religion the way Goths avoid pink, yet I have to say that TITE will probably offend some people of extreme religious sentiment. Plus there is a lot of swearing, and cann - ah, no, that would be telling.

"This is the end, the only end, my friend" as Captain Willard - no, hang on -

Condensed Films

     Once again Conrad can explicate a fillum in five words, leaving you with the decision whether or not to see it.

THE FILM                                                   THE FIVE WORDS

Avatar                                                      Pocahontas In Outer Space

Scott Pilgrim versus the World                    I Really Have No Idea!

Twelve Monkeys                                        Time Travel, Lunatics and Teeth

The Ring                                                   Unintentionally Funny Japanese Horror Film 

Black Swan                                               Um - Ballet? Something like that.

Spirited Away                                           The Best Animated Film Evah

Where Eagles Dare                                    Boy's Own Double-Cross Deathfest**

Battlestar Galactica

     io9 reports that a film re-boot is in the works even as I type.  Why?  The TV Series just about stamped "Definitive Version No Need Repeat NO NEED! To Ever Muck Around With It In The Future"

     In case you are wondering, I come from an alternative universe where the original series and that dreadful spin-off "Galactica 80" do not exist.  There will be no further mention.

Battle Scars.  Close enough

 Forbidden Planet

     As any fule kno, this is one of Conrad's top films.  I was just seeing how much dialogue I can remember since I have seen it (?50?) times:

     Captain J J Adams:  Fundamentally, it's a question of crude power, how to short-circuit the continuum on a four or five parsec level.  Just to construct a bunker to house the main core would take three or four days."

Capt. Adams:  Nice planet you have here.  High oxygen content.

Robbie The Robot: I rarely use it myself, sir.  It promotes rust.

Robbie having a complete metal breakdown

Doc Ostrow:  You should see my new mind, up there in lights, bigger than his.  Morbius was too close to the problem.  The Krell had finished their project,  but they forgot one deadly problem.  Monsters, John!  Monsters from the Id!

<Mister Hand intervenes, arguing that, while Conrad loves this, others have a life to live>

NORMAL SERVICE RESUMES

Rekorderlig

  No "S".  This is Swedish Orange and Ginger Cider.  We shall see what it's like.  See below for bottle protected by the cyborg sentry cats:

Touch at your peril!  Those cats have lasers for eyes.

The Banshee

     In Celtic folklore, derived from the Gaelic "Bean Sidhe", this was a ghost that appeared and wailed, forewarning of the death of a person.  If that particular person was great or holy, they'd get several Banshees howling over their death.  The Banshee might appear as a horrid old hag or a gorgeous young thing, viz:

A little racy, perhaps, but the one from Deviantart - Oh my!

     Not reported as being seen any time after 1948, any surviving Banshees are probably collecting supernatural dole money.  After all, when the postal system and the NHS came in, they were pretty much redundant, weren't they?  Not only that, councils would serve them with Noise-Abatement Orders, because appearing in the small hours of the morning and wailing tunelessly - that's behaviour suspiciously like a refugee from a hen-party ...

Finally

     Blog-pimp for daddy, Edna!

     I shall be looking after her from next Saturday when Wonder Wifey goes off on her cruise, so we had a practice walk this afternoon.  Nice and bright and sunny, which is all to the good.  If it's miserable and wet and raining - ah, yes, that will test our mettle.

Edna Bedna

*  Get it?  It's the Latin phrase, and there's machines in TWE - oh you do.

**  My blog, my rules on novel words that happen to make the five word criteria.

The Cautionary Take Off Tales Of Mark Everything

A Little Word Salad For You
     Today Conrad ventured forth into the City of Sin and Wickedness, a.k.a. Babylon the Lesser (London being Babylon the Mighty), or - conventionally - Manchester.  Most unusually it wasn't raining; in fact the sun shone and a brisk breeze blew.  The only problem were the crowds of shoppers getting in the way.  O for a light-sabre!
     "But why!" I can hear your mordant tones intoning (tonally) "Why visit Sodom-On-Irwell?"
     Because, dear reader, Elbow and Eels have just released new records, and I haven't bought a CD in months.  I have an itinerary:

1)  Get off 83 bus outside Oxfam bookshop

2) Once done there, go to Fopp!*

3)  Swing by the Arndale Book Stall

4)  Go Home

     No "browsing" or "just looking" or "comparing".  Conrad's attitude to shopping is exemplified by Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets" - he looks into a clothes shop from the doorway, points at a jacket and says "I want that one!"

The Fruits Of Fopp!

     Here's what I got.  I know you're dying to know what Conrad got.

     And the Flaming Lips CD comes with a mini-CD ("The Sun Blows Up Today") - not sure if it'll play in the drive.  We shall see.  Also I'm glad to note the John Coltrane CD played this time - the last JC CD didn't work in the drive.

Too small for the CD player.  Don't worry, Conrad will figure it out

Hang on - look at the time - 18:14 - that's 14 minutes past Beer O'Clock!  I have Old Golden Hen waiting for me, also some Reskorderlik.  Hang on, don't overthrow any governments while I'm gone - 

- there, back with my steinful of OGH.  Where were we?

Animated Animals

     Just a photo-essay that illustrates the differing speeds of 1) a 20 week old puppy and 2) A cybernetic cat on "Standby" mode

The Kraken Wakes

     Finally finished annotating the novel this morning, fuelled by giant pot of English Breakfast Tea and toast with apricot jam.  Mercifully both cats and dog kept clear, TVM.

     Then, thinks Conrad to himself, what about all the dialogue?  This is going to be central to a screenplay, some will have to be revised, some left out, some swapped about.  Should I sit down and copy out all the dialogue?  I'd have to do most of that for a screenplay.

     That it wouldn't be a task taking mere minutes is hinted at by the amount of notation required simply to summarise the plot and make points about it in the light of today's world versus John's:

The plot, annotated.  That's 240 pages worth of notes, matey.

Characters and locations - mentioned and visited.  Conrad thorough

     It is the kind of thing I enjoy, though.  But don't tell anyone - it makes me sound like a middle-aged man**.

So You Want To Be A Supervillain?

     No!  Not literally!  That, gentle reader, is a rhetorically-phrased question, not an invitation.  I had intended to have it here as an item for BOOJUM! a couple of paragraphs long at the most, but it has already taken up a page of A4 in Conrad's spidery scrawl.  Maybe, once developed, it will end up here in sections with appropriate illustrations.  In the meantime Conrad is enjoying wielding a pen for creative writing.  A keyboard is efficient, granted, yet it lacks the physicality or sensuality of a well-balanced fountain pen.

Talking Of Pens

     Gaze upon Conrad's daily pen-loading (left selection) and his fountain pens (right selection).

Pens, mightier than a whole lot of swords.

The Take Off And Landing Of Everything (by Elbow)

     Listening to this for the first time now, and it's really rather good.  I thought "Build A Rocket Boys" was actually Elbow's weakest album, even whilst being delighted about their success with it.  No such qualms about this album - only 4 tracks in but even if the other 6 are cack, still a corker.

     Guy and the lads done good!

"Elle Beau" (say it aloud!).  From "Cast of Thousands".

So - Tanks?

     We've not had any for a while so - just to assuage your sanguinary propensities*** - you may have this:

"Come on chaps, it's only 28 tons - One - Two - Three - HEAVE!"

     No, these are not superhuman troops - Australians, so not far off actually - it's a dummy Mk IV tank made of wood and fabric being lifted into position.  The trees are intact, as is the house in mid-left so it's either in mid- to late-1918 or well behind the lines.  With no kit or rifles or Brodie helmets present, probably the latter.

Finally - well nearly

     A Kelpie, in action.

White horses^

     This was a Scottish water-demon that manifested itself as a beautiful white horse, except when anyone mounted the "horse", it would dive headlong into the nearest water, drowning the hapless rider.

     Excuse me?  Were Conrad's Celtic ancestors stupid as stones?  

     Observe the kelpie above.  Does it have a saddle?  Harness?  Bit?  No, none of those, which are essential for riding a horse in the first place.  When the evil beast starts to make for water at speed, what would it's rider do? That's right, fall off immediately.  because there's 1) No sadddle and 2) THERE'S NO SADDLE.  Even if the panicked rider did not fall off, be assured they would jump off, as soon as possible.

     Okay, for argument's sake we assume the kelpie does manage to keep their rider mounted.  It then has to get into water deep enough for the rider to drown.  Say what?  Does this kelpie have recourse to an hydrographer who can analyse nearby bodies of water and suggest that with the deepest water?  What if it's summer and the water level has diminished enormously thanks to drought, and the kelpie ends up only fetlock-deep?  "Excuse me, can we go back and try again further downstream?"

     Not only that, thanks to there being NO SADDLE and hence no way for the rider to stay on the kelpie, once this creature hits deep water, the rider will remain on the surface.  Plus - radical thinking here - the rider might be able to swim.

     Kelpies.  Now extinct.  And no wonder!

Okay Really Finally

     Nothing sells like a cute puppy, apparently. So here is Edna at the only time you can get a good close-up of her, i.e. sound asleep

Work those cute puppy genes, Edna!  Generate blog traffic for daddy!

*  Fopp! - a music shop.  Music and CDs, at very reasonable prices.  They're still here and HMV isn't, so who got it right?

**  I know I am, but a man can pretend can't he, dammit!

***  Conrad - poetic or pretentious - only you can decide!

^ You have to admit, not a bad pun.

Robots And Empire

Yes I'm Picking Random Titles
     In this case the source is Michael Whelan's "Works Of Wonder", a collection of science fiction and fantasy book covers that he did the artwork for.
     So, no, there are no robots in this blog.  Nor empires.
     You can, however, have a picture of a Gaboon Viper in a bad mood:

"It's Monday morning, it's raining and YOU TROD ON MY TAIL!"

The Grammar Hammer
     On the drive in to work earlier this week, Conrad glimpsed a Manchester City Council rubbish truck weaving in and out of the barely moving traffic, and caught sight of the warning notice displayed on the side.

"Warning!  This vehicle frequently stops!"

     Naturally this clashed with Conrad's complete and accurate knowledge of English grammar.  It ought to read:

"Warning!  This vehicle stops frequently!"

     MCC - do get it right. If things don't improve you're all up for Mind Squashing when my invasion fleet arrives.  You have been warned!

Radio jammer.  Close enough

Fuzztone Hammond
     No!  Not the name of some 50's R 'n' B musician from the backwaters of Louisiana.  A particular organ sound that I noticed on Caravan's "In the land of grey and pink", and which I believe Mike Ratledge of Soft Machine also used.  Quite distinctive in nature and not used a lot since, either.
     So.  If you're listening to either band, you may be struck by a sense of deja vu.
     BOOJUM!  - providing you with vital musical background*.

A Vox  Jennings Hammond with Leslie speakers - no, hang on -

A Scary Concept
     For his slow-cooker meals, Conrad has occasional recourse to a culinary condiment known as "chipotle paste", which is distinctively hot and smokey in flavour.  Not very easy to find, so when I came across jars of it in <memory draws a blank> I bought a couple.  They are made by a company with the unusual moniker of "Trees Can't Dance".
     Well of course they can't!  Not unless you're reading H P Lovecraft and that particularly frightening tale "The Colour Out Of Space".

Nightmare fuel.

     Thank you, chipotle-makers, I'd managed to forget that traumatic tale from my childhood, until you stirred it up.  I predict dreams about this tonight, unless I can persuade my subconsicous - I say, Dee**?  Can I have a word?

     A Filmic Interlude

Tommy
     As you recall yesterday - you DID drop by and read the blog yesterday, didn't you? - I went on about The Who and "Tommy", the record.  I was actually a lot more familiar with the film that came out in 1975, since "Top Of The Pops" featured the film version of "Pinball Wizard", in which Elton John plays a character with giant Doc Martins - I'm not hallucinating this, am I?  Plus classmates at the time went to see it, and I remember one describing the end as "sad".

Ken Russell's imagination, on display

     The film gets a 6.5 on IMDB, so it's kinda - not bad but certainly not brilliant.  I may attempt to watch it and provide further feedback, as you, my audience, a hanging onto every golden word typed here.  You ARE hanging onto every word, aren't you?

Beyond Westworld
     But not very far beyond!  Conrad has vague, attenuated memories of seeing an episode of a television series where an android American football player attempted to kill someone with a thrown football, and another android, topless, tried to defend its open instrument panel as human beings tried to tackle it.  A topless male android for those of you with dirty minds.

In Wikipedia, under "Cheap and nasty 80's titles", this is top of the list

     Having read the synopsis for this series, I think this might be the article in question.  Only 5 episodes were made before they pulled the plug - so, beyond Westworld just not very much.

Condensed Films
     How can you accurately describe a film in only five words?  Well, it isn't easy, it requires skill and facility, but it can be done.  Observe, gentle readers, observe in awe!

Titanic:  Big ship sinks very slowly
Evil Dead: Horror haunts hillbilly hell-house**
The Blues Brothers: Hundreds of cars gratuitously destroyed
Inception:  Parenthesis Parenthesis Dream Parenthesis Parenthesis
Brazil: Terry Gilliam's Imagination, on display
The Sound Of Music: Full of pointless, horrible songs
A Hard Days Night: The film that isn't "Help"
Help: Not "A Hard Day's Night"
Magnolia: Sorry.  Nowt about flowers here.
Collateral: Tom Cruise kills a lot
MIssion Impossible:  Tom Cruise bluffs a lot

It's film and it's thin.  Condensed, you might say ...

Okay, Back To Normal

Finally
     What do we have here?  A small dog being tricked into staying still long enough for a photograph to be taken

She's not that small, I'm just very tall

*  And obscure 50's US blues musicians who were ripped off by the Rolling Stones
** If you argue that the hyphen makes it only four words, I shall take that same hyphen and beat you over the head with it!  There are five words!