A Whole Lot Of Punches

Without Any Boxing

     Today we have a bit of a theme, lower down the metaphorical ladder.  Firstly we have to visit - Andreivia!

See Andreivia!  While It's Still There!

     Andreivia (Population 5 million) is a post-Soviet republic that borders both Turkey and Armenia, with a small coastline on the Black Sea.  The landscape ranges from coastal plains to mountains in the interior, some of these being heavily forested with pine and birch.  Mount Tatraz (Ht. 956m) has snow on it's peak all year round and offers the hardier tourist the opportunity to ski, and is also home to the "Cherniy Mor" eagle, a distant relative of the European Eagle.

Mount Tatraz.  A national monument, so - please - no boob jokes.

     Andreivia has long been known for the hospitality of it's natives, as long as you're not local, in which case it it known for the hostility of it's natives.  This is due to the centuries-long feuds running between the Turkish Andreivians and the Armenian Andreivians.  Whilst Andreivia was an "autonomous enclave" (i.e. totally controlled from Moscow) of the Soviet Union, any such disputes were pre-empted by brute force applied by the Red Army.  Since independence, these internecine feuds have escalated into something approaching civil war.

Civil war is horrid.  Let's have some orchids instead

     NATO, seeing an opportunity to embarrass Russia and pull her armed forces away from the Ukraine and Crimea, is considering an intervention on humanitarian grounds.  Whilst this might suppress the fighting, it is far more likely to draw the Andreivian army and gendarmerie into the struggle, depending on how those organisations feel about armed Western intervention.

    This weekend is a crucial one for Andreivia.  Expect BOOJUM!, via it's correspondent on the ground, to report back on what happens.

A Whole Lot Of Punch

     This bit of the blog was inspired by a bus poster* Conrad spotted early in the morning.   Despite not having seen any of these films, that WILL NOT PREVENT him sitting in magisterial judgement on them.  Oh yes!

A Hole punch.  Close enough.

     Love Punch

     Featuring Pierce Brosnan and Emma Thompson.  No, they aren't bright young things any more, are they?  That's why this one might work - a pair of ex's getting together to reclaim their retirement money.  "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill", to recap a quotation - can't recall who quoted it, sorry!  Conrad being a bit long in the tooth himself might also bias the criticism.

There's Emma.  Not bad for 87, is she?

     Sucker Punch

     This farrago** I do not feel so generous about.  It looks a mess, the plot sounds silly and all it seems to have going for it is attractive young women.  Probably not wearing a lot.  No, not even that will coerce Conrad into watching it.  It's three years old, it'll crop up on telly soon.  And a rating of 6.1 on IMDB?  Tut.  Someone's been fiddling the figures.  Not only that, on a budget of $82 million, it made back $89 million.  "Oooh!  Oooh!  That sounds good!" I can hear you naive young things squeal.  Ahem.  Distribution and publicity will have eaten up that $7 million profit five times over.  After all, you don't see any plans for "Sucker Punch 2", do you?

Rum punch.  Close enough.

     Punch Drunk Love

     This one sounded interesting, if nothing else.  A novelty product salesman is inveigled into a romance with an English woman whilst being blackmailed by a man running a phone-sex business and all the while buying tons of pudding.

     The director is Paul Thomas Anderson, who also did "Magnolia" and "Boogie Nights", both of which Conrad has seen and liked.  Not to be confused with Wes Anderson, who did "Rushmore" which Conrad is currently watching.

     I have to ask - what kind of pudding?  Baked?  Chilled?  Steamed?  With custard?  Flambe?  Ah - sorry.  The baker in Conrad coming out.

Strawberry Punch Pudding.  Look, two out of four's not bad.

Zildjian

     Sticking with the Caucasus motif, here we have a name known to anyone who's ever hit a bit of skin tautened over a hollow wooden cylinder^.

     Zildjian make cymbals, those metal dish-shaped objects that hang in profusion off every drummer's kit, and which either make a sibilant hiss when stroked with a brush stick or which split the eardrums when hammered with a mallet.  If you want cymbals, go listen to Pink Floyd's "One of these days".  Or you could read James Blish's fourth volume in the epic Okie quadrology, "A Clash Of Cymbals".

     What are Zildjian cymbals made of?  Ah, that's a family trade secret.  The Zildjian daughters know what it is, them being the 14th generation of Zildjians to inherit the details, but you and I, dear reader, will never know.

     Unless one of the Zildjian sisters reads BOOJUM!  Stranger things have happened.

No it is not a metal frisbee!

Hit With The Coincidence Hammer.  Yet Again!

     Whilst perusing the intranet at work, Conrad came across a list of Frequently Asked Questions about his still un-named place of employment.   The very last question was about what was being done to preserve the age-old mill discovered whilst excavating the car park.

    "We will be working with Greater Manchester Archaeological Unit to wibble wibble wibble -" excuse Conrad for blanking the end of that sentence, for whom did he work for in the mid-1980's?

     No!  Not the council section that counts lamp-posts.  GMAU - Greater Manchester Archaeological Unit.  Conrad hewed and dug and sketched and drank matte on the Castlefield dig, I'll have you know.

Matte.  A type of South American herbal drink.  Yes it is legal!

Right.  Here Is Today's Cake -

     Danish Apple Cake.  Most definitely not gluten-free, and covered with nuts, But!  It is made with apples, so it counts as one of your Five A Day.

All the excuse you need, eh?

*  Thank you First Bus.  You are an inspiration clad in diesel fumes.

**  I wonder what the root of this is?  Sounds suspiciously close to "Farage"

***  Just testing there is no *** tonight

^  Drums!

Today's Impressively Weighty Theme - Mercury!

Yes, Unlike Yesterday's Aborted Theme  -
     - this one is interesting.  Promise!  

Mike Mercury of "Supercar".  You were expecting Freddy, weren't you?  Ha!

Plus, Conrad has been working at it.  This is due to not knowing what shift he was on first thing Monday.  Gambling at an 8:45 start, he didn't have to begin a fingery pas-de-deux (sp?) on the keyboard until 9:15, and actually arrived at 8:30.
     'O Noes what can I do?'
     First order of business - breakfast.  That is, stale bread and Marmite, the breakfast of champions.
     Next, get working on the blog article.
     Here we are - let's get started.

Cinnabar
     Not to be confused with the "cinnamon bear", which is described in "Right Ho Jeeves" and is a species of American brown bear.

     "CINNABAR"

      I know what you're thinking - it's a variety of breakfast cereal, one of those kinds that are basically a collection of sweets and biscuits* that are extremely unhealthy but which you can pretend is sensible, because it says so on the packet.

"Add extra fibre to your diet!" (Also salt, sugar, E245, saturated fats, MSG, colouring, flavouring and CF3) 

     Well, I doubt that Cinnabar would soften in your poured puddle of semi-skimmed, and it would definitely break your teeth if you managed to hack a bit off and eat is.
     Cinnabar, you see, is the ore that mercury is extracted from.

Tooth-shattering Cinnabar ore

Mercury, Chemical Symbol "Hg"
     I know, I know, "Hg" has nothing to do with "M".  Trust me on this, it's all Greek.
     Vermillion - no, not a large number in German.  It's a bright red colour, derived from Mercuric Sulphide, so it's veggie-safe because it's not made from crushed beetles.  But also toxic, so it tends not to get used on children's toys any longer.  Bah!  What's a childhood without a bit of risk!

Not to be confused with Vermillion Green

     Mercury is the only element that is liquid at room temperature, although boron runs it pretty close.  It is extremely toxic.  If it were a person you'd keep it locked up in a windowless dungeon and only let it out in a strait-jacket and muzzle.  Nowadays you couldn't get away with what I remember our physics teacher doing at school - holding a tube of mercury upside down, thumb over the open end to prevent any spillages.
     Sticking with science, it used to be used widely in measuring instruments, a whole family of -meters - thermometers, barometers and sphygmometers**.  That was back in the day, when men were men and women used mascara with mercury in it - oh, and still do, as a matter of fact.  Nowadays we use substitutes like alcohol instead of mercury because alcohol is completely harmless.

Comparatively harmless.  Imagine this scene with the subjects DRINKING MERCURY!

     Perhaps I should qualify that: "completely harmless when used inside scientific measuring instruments not people."
     That expression "mad as a hatter" became widely used because hatters used mercury to separate fur from animal pelts, and in the course of their treatments they probably bathed in the stuff, and gargled with it too, bloody show-offs.  That came back and bit them on the neurological system, see if it didn't!

Look out!  It's going to turn into Robert Patrick and hunt down John Connor!

Mercury The Planet
     Allow me to nick a picture of Mercury from the Twitter "Fun & Facts":

If you look really hard you can see "Daedelus 2"

     Beautiful picture, oh-so-different from those murky black and white ones of decades ago.  Still, whilst it might be nice to look at, you wouldn't want to live there.  Mercury makes Death Valley seem like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Mercury, Messenger Of The Gods
     The Roman gods, that is.  The Romans pretty much lifted Mercury from the Greek god Hermes***, even down to copying his shoes and hat.  Probably said it was an "homage" to avoid being sued.
     For the cultured, the winged shoes are known as "Taleria" and the winged hat as "Petasos".

"Hello, Air Traffic Control?  This is Sabena Three Six Heavy.  You're not going to believe what we've just seen ..."

     Mercury's job description required him to travel between the gods and us you mere humans, and to act as a psychopomp.  Shall I?  Oh go on.  A "psychopomp" is a being who leads the newly-dead into the underworld.  Interestingly, Ovid stated that Mercury also carried dreams from Somnus to sleeping humans - this probably explains some of the peculiar dream visited upon me by Dee^.

Mercury Rev
     I can't pontificate too much on Mercury Rev, as I only have one of their albums - "Deserters Songs".  This, though, is their breakthrough record from 1998, where they moved from dark and experimental to concise and melodic, going from cult to commercial.  I like it, and am positive that on at least a few songs they have a musician playing a saw^^.

Probably not on the playlist at any US Army Base!

Mercury Records
    This is a long tale (of acquisitions and buyouts), quite dull, really.  It's still around.  A bit like Bath Olivers.

Bath.  Oliver.  Sorry, couldn't resist!

     And there we will stop for tonight.  There is a lot more I could do on "Mercury", and may do in future, but for the moment - well, I've not had my tea, there's tomorrows lunch to make and shirts to iron.
     What a rock and roll rebel lifestyle, eh?  Speak up, sonny, while I go get my ear trumpet ...

*  The only proper breakfast cereal is porridge.  WITH SALT!
**  I'm sure they made this one up. What the hell can it measure - "syphgs"?
***  Me and Hermes have a bit of a history.  It's a long story.  See earlier blogs.
^  Dee.  My subconsicous.  A tricky fellah, which is why we call him Dee, a.k.a Devious.
^^  This is really possible, and it has a very distinctive sound. Remember The Saw Doctors?

From Theme To Anathema

Perhaps Not Quite That Extreme
     As I'm sure Conrad does not have to remind you, gentle reader, "anathema^^" is an entity to which one takes a wild, prejudiced, violent dislike -

Like Conrad and this mindless meat-bag

    Why is this relevant?
    Well because I had half an idea about making another themed blog, dealing with items of clothing, to wit: Frock, Smock and Cassock.  After that it got a bit harder: a Hassock is something you sit on, a mattock is a variety of small pick-axe, and a pinnock is a small hill in Gaelic.
     Then it struck me.  Rubbing my head and donning my Brodie helmet, I avoided being hit by It again, when I suddenly realised - "A blog about clothes is dull.  Extremely dull!  Lose your audience dull!"
     So.  No clothes*.

Yeah!  Clothes are boring!  Here's a Brodie-pattern helmet instead.

A Little Critical Analysis
     Once more Conrad attempts to get the background to an aspect of life we all take for granted: the giant's rhyme in "Jack and the Beanstalk".  In case you have lived in a cave on Rockall all your life with only the gulls and seals for company**, here it is:

Fee Fi Fo Fum

I smell the blood of an Englishman

Be he alive, or be he dead

I'll grind his bones to make my bread

Let us proceed.  

"Fee Fi Fo Fum" has no logical interpretation, obviously the giant is merely spouting gibberish.  That, or Cornish.  Personally I favour the Cornish explanation.  Don't mock me unless you speak Cornish.  Do you speak Cornish?  Of course not - so don't mock.

"I smell the blood of an Englishman":  a much more interesting line.  Apparently giants have such a keen sense of smell they can individuate people by their nationality.  I wonder what differentiates, say, a Welshman from an Englishman by sense of smell?  Diet, at a guess - Welshmen eat sheep, Englishmen eat beef (the Scots drink whisky***).  There you have it - except the giant is at pains to mention that this is an Englishman, which is why I favour the Cornish option, the Cornish of that time being particular about choosing who they belonged to.

"Be he alive or be he dead":  this is rather puzzling.  The giant is able to determine that Jack is English, but not whether he's alive or dead?  Surely a dead body smells different from a live one?  Unless this is an unsettling psychological gambit from the giant, foreshadowing what Jack's fate will be, in order to render him inactive with fear.  Yes.  That's it.  Unless - how could a dead person have climbed up the beanstalk to the top - AHA!  Got it!  The giant is worried that he's being stalked by a zombie - it all makes sense now!

"I'll grind his bones to make my bread":  this gives us proof of two things: firstly, the giant is no baker; ground-up bones would seriously impede the proving process when making a dough, besides taking an age to scrape clean, dry and grind.  Secondly, he is obviously - obviously! - calcium deficient.  He'd be better-off taking a supplement.

"You wot?  I'm in this year's Great British Bake-Off, you smug git!"

Ratzilla!
     No, not the name of an over-tattooed, invidious, under-talented rapper^.  This is the press name for a giant rat that turned up in a Swedish apartment, coming in at 16" long and weighing over two pounds.  The family cat - sensible chap! - kept well clear until it was dead.  Here the link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-26764929

The killa of Ratzilla

The most interesting bit in the article is a claim that rats may evolve into creatures the size of sheep.  Eventually.  By which time we'll be using rat-pelt as a substitute for wool.  In which case, Jack's giant will have to learn a whole new set of smell-skills for detecting the Welsh.

"Skin me!  Go on - I dare ya!"

      Conrad has no fear of rats - except maybe that thing in the photo above - and has only seen one in the wild.  They are intelligent and affectionate pets, in fact.
     I also dimly remember reading a comic strip back in the early 1970's in a comic like "Victor" or "Hotspur" that featured three giant rats on the loose in England.  When I say "Giant" I mean about the size of a Labrador, and they had been enlarged by some sinister Orientals with a food of arcane description that they smuggled into the country by sticking  in their ears -

I cannot find any comic strips that feature giant rats.  Have this - er - substitute instead.

So - Tanks?
     Not quite.  I'm not sure if I've posted this article before, but it bears repeating.  This is  a photo of an LVTP4 coming out of the water.  Colloquially known as the "Buffalo", this is an amphibian that can carry men, machines or cargo, into the water and out of it, and on dry land as well.  "LVTP" is the uncatchy acronym for "Landing Vehicle, Tracked, Personnel".  They featured on a large scale in the Pacific in WW2, as you'd expect with all those islands, and also in North West Europe after D Day, because there were lots of large rivers to cross against enemy opposition.

Sadly not able to give milk

*  Wash your mind out you dirty rascals!
** In which case how come you're able to read this?
*** Yes, so do the Irish but they also have Guiness
^  Conrad no like rap.  You do? Tough.  This is my blog.
^^ "Anna Thema" not to be confused with "Anna Pavlou", who gets entirely tooo many mentions here.

No Cake For Conrad

Oh Well, Sophie Can Be My Proxy
     Yes, it's the "Cake and Bake" event in GMEX today, which I forgot about this morning and didn't remember until this afternoon, when I was hobbled by dog-sitting duties, although sister-in-law and neice are there and met Frances from The Great British Bake-Off, with pictures, too*.

Ah, now, that's just showing off!

On Friday at work we got free biscuits, which can't adjust a bad year's financial returns, but with a cup of tea it makes the future look a little rosier.  Compared to the blatant bakery-boasting above they are a little plain:

Hmmm.  I dunno.  Branding your biscuit "Hit" lends itself to those with dirty imaginations.

 On the plus side, I am now 100 pages into Al Murray's "Watching War Films With My Dad", have finished off "Black Watch (see below)" and am going through "The Kraken Wakes**" as instructed by "Screenwriting For Dummies", making a note of the characters.  I've also managed to sink 4 pints of tea thanks to this character -

Makes at least 2 pints per brew

Ah, Yes, Coincidence Again
     "Black Watch" is a memoir by Tom Renouf of his times with the 51st Highland division in Europe during WW2, as part of the Black Watch a.k.a. The Royal Highlanders.  Because their regimental tartan has a very dark weave, before you ask.
     Which Dutch town does Renouf mention many times in 1944?  Why, s'Hertegenbosch.
     Which Dutch town did Conrad work in, at the pickle factory?  Why, s'Hertegenbosch.
     Fun times they were.  Conrad remembers running atop a dyke in a thunderstorm, trying to get back to the factory.  "Oh no!" said Cecile later.  "The dyke is the highest point for miles around - when there's lightning it's the most dangerous place to be!"

What might have been: flash-fried Conrad

Enough Of Creepy Coincidences!
     Yes indeed.  Instead let's look at a couple of films.  Next!

"Soylent Green"
     This was adapted very freely from Harry Harrison's 1966 novel "Make Room! Make Room!" and the only reason it crops up here on BOOJUM! is that part of the title forms part of one of my passwords***.
     It features Charlton Heston and Edgar Robinson - the latter a terminally-ill man who died mere days after filming finished - in a dystopian future where pollution, over-population (world total 7 billion), global warming and giant dustbowls have utterly ravaged the earth.  A jar of jam is an unaffordable luxury item, at $150 per jar.  The oceans are dead.  People can elect to end it all in government-sanctioned Suicide Booths.  Chuck is investigating a murder; don't worry, he's a policeman, he's allowed to.
     There is a major plot twist at the end of the film (which simply didn't occur in the book) that I won't give away.
     All pretty bleak, eh?

Less bleak, more cheerful, eh?

     What rather takes the sting out of the tale^ is that "Make Room! Make Room!" and presumably the film too, are set in the year 1999.  So - Hom. Sap. can congratulate himself on managing to screw things up much more slowly than Harry envisioned.  That, if you like, is progress.  Of sorts!

Yes, all those MP's getting flooded is a disaster.  Yes it is!  It IS!
Oh alright it's not.

"Where Eagles Dare"
     Al Murray Tweeted that this most Boy's Own of all films is on, then added a "Pub Landlord Drinking Game For Where Eagles Dare^^" , which I've copied and may - only may! - follow, because one instruction is to take a drink whenever Clint Eastwood kills a German.  Given that Clint takes out most of the German Army, this is likely to end up badly in the small hours of the morning.

^^ I originally mis-typed "Where Eagles Date".  Can't have that sort of stuff on BOOJUM!  Hoy, you two - get a room!

R.I.P.
     As you already know, Conrad finds the clammy heat of his office environment hard to take, and there's not enough room in the fridge for him and his PC.  So!  Imagine my delight when I spotted a fan at B & M for £0.99.  I put it in my bag - and promptly forgot about it as the bag got slung around, bashed, dropped, kicked, squashed and dropped again.

Now as much used in keeping Conrad cool as the knife and fork

     End result when I rescued it from the depths of bag - it won't work.  The blades stutter around for a fraction of a second, then stop.  Conrad unhappy.

Dogsitting Duty
     I know I make it sound like a trauma, but when your miniature dog-to-be is like this, it's really no problemo:

Yes, cute - until the finger-gnawing and ear-licking commences!

* No, no pictures of Dawn herself, nor Ella.  Get your picture-fix of sweetness from the photo!
**  There's probably a good reason why nobody's ever made a film of it yet.
*** Note to IS - see how I am cleverly vague about which part is which and what?
^  Get it?  Get - oh you do.