It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time ...

Or, How To Make Fish Smell Even More!

     Today, dear reader, Conrad experimented with a cheap tin of Prince's Smoked Mussels In Vegetable Oil.

     You can have too much of a good thing.  Conrad scoffed the shellfish before noticing that the smell of fish was extra-specially enhanced by the woodsmoke, which rather hung around the kitchen like an olofactory shroud.  The vegetable oil only went down the drain very reluctantly, too, trying to hang around like an old friend as the tin got rinsed out.  I foresee comments from other kitchen users.

     Which executive at Prince's sat down and thought: tinned mussels. They smell, yes, but - not enough!  How can we pack more piscatorial pong in a tin?

Coming soon - smoked mussels in garlic sauce with extra hard-boiled eggs

The Boonies

     No, not a mis-spelling of "Boo - . No!  

     As part of BOOJUM's charter to educate you, the huddled masses, I  now skip lightly o'er the Atlantic Ocean (something the Talisker Whisky Atlantic Challenge rowers wish they could do!) to introduce you to an American word: Boondocks.  Frequently referred to as "the boonies".

     What are the boondocks?  Firstly, nothing to do with ships or harbours or ports.  It seems to have wormed it's way into American as a corruption of the Tagalog "Bundok", for mountain, after America sort-of conquered the Phillipines back in the Spanish-American War*.  So.  Etymology aside, it means a rural or undeveloped area.

The Goonies.  Close enough

PANIC PANIC GET A MECHANIC!

     As you are most certainly aware, thanks to his incessant bleating on the subject, Conrad is experiencing unusually high volumes of "car" in his commute to his Still Nameless Employer.  Despite being under strict orders not to use the hidden weaponry built into his mobile-murder wagon, the strain is telling.  The only thing between the travelling public and apocalypse on the A56 is the CD player in Conrad's car.

     And it jammed on the journey in!

     Fortunately I had a can of anti-gremlin spray with me, and I doused the CD player liberally before setting off for work.

     This seems to have done the trick - 

See?  That's dead gremlin ectoplasm oozing out of the CD player.

Russia, Again

     This will make sense on Facebook, honestly.

     Okay, Conrad nailed Russia a few posts ago.  All explained, mainly in terms of Siberia and vodka.  I didn't post a picture of Red Square, and also neglected that other mighty Russian institution, seen here:

The Kremlin's Troitsky Cathedral

I would point out to that rather common chap Adolf Hitler that these sub-human Slavs seem to have the decorative arts down pat, especially painting ...

Oh For The Icy Blue Skies Of Theta Triangulum

     Yes, I know I keep changing the planet I come from, but can you blame me?  It is widely accepted in the wider galactic community that humans are - well, not the sort you'd bring home to Mother, actually.  So I definitely don't want to give away the home-world's location.  I mean, you give a human a knife and no, they don't bother sitting down and carving the joint or buttering the toast, no, they go out looking for aliens to -

     Ahem!  Anyway.  Sometimes it gets cold in the Upstairs Lair, cold and damp I should point out unlike the crisp dry 50 below of Theta T.  Conrad then resorts to these

Terrifying but also toasty

So - Tanks?

      Again, yes, a bit obliquely.  Cast your glazzies** over this photo:

The Russian steppe at harvest time, growing tanks it would seem!

This is actually a still from a Russian-East German co-production film series made in the late 1960's, under the umbrella title "Liberation".  That isn't a German Tiger tank centre stage, it's a Russian T55 dressed-up.  If you look at the background tanks, they are actual T55s, without the prop dressing.

     It's an interesting series.  When you see hundreds of tanks and thousands of soldiers on screen, they were the real thing - CGI was a gleam in the eye of a gleam in the eye at the time.  Some of the stunt work is wincingly dangerous - at one point a Russian tank is driven off a pontoon bridge into the middle of a very wide, very deep river; in another scene Russian and German tank crews fly at each other and biff the living spit out of themselves - whilst within yards of explosions and pyrotechnic effects.  The "Kursk" entry is the best, before the Soviet censors decided that Russian soldiers were Politically Correct, and superhuman to boot.

To Finish With

     You know I like to end with a cute animal picture that completely negates all the sheer horrid of the foregoing, so how's this:

Cries of "Get a room!" will be ignored

There you go.  A hyena, an animal with a reputation lower than a Wonga publicist, being affectionate to it's lunch***.

*  Yes a real war that really happened.  How do you imagine the Yanks got Cuba?

**  Slang from "A Clockwork Orange" - oh the irony!

***  I dunno.  Maybe dinner.

Humour*. Laugh, You Dastards!

Truly, Nothing Is More Subjective (Except Maybe Beauty)
     I offer up one of Conrad's favourite films, "Leningrad Cowboys Go America", as directed by the exceedingly droll Aki Kaurismaki.  It's a variety of road-film, where the Leningrad Cowboys - dubbed the worst band in the world - leave their native Soviet Union to try and find fame, fortune and fair ladies in America.  The slightly longer IMDB summary can be found here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097728/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Conrad laughs himself silly at this film, and Matti Pellonpaa is outstanding as the band's manager.  Well, that's Kaurismaki for you, the Finnish dog.  He was once asked why his camera style is so static.
     "It's hard to push a camera around when you have a hangover," he replied.
     Quite!

You can't see it, but there's a coffin on the car roof.  The bass player's in the coffin.  So are the beer cans.

The Inimitable Jeeves
       Here an aside that I doubt anybody not British or under 40 will get.  Conrad has memories of a stop-motion animated series from the late Sixties and early Seventies called "Camberwick Green".  To prove that this is not the fevered hallucinations that precede mental collapse, I offer you:

Sound off:  that's Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub.

I am uncertain why the Pugh's are undifferentiated, but the solo McGrew gets his first name in, too.  Recall that set of names, dear reader.
     What did I espy during today's page-turning of the titular PGW novel?  A set of vicar's names, and amongst them, one after the other, came "Cuthbert" and "Dibble".  That's from a novel written in 1923, so PGW wasn't plagiarising there.  Coincidence or time travel?
     As young Bertie Wooster himself might have said, rum; very rum!

I Know What You're Thinking
     No, don't be silly, telepathy doesn't exist!  Yet**.
     What I meant was, you the reader must be wondering, "If he's an alien spy from the iceworld Theta Aurigae IV, why is he telling us all about it?"
     Obviously, nobody can take such a thing seriously.  I mean, come on, next there'll be men on the Moon  votes for women  supersonic aircraft  a manned mission to Mars!  What's that, Mister Hand?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23349496

Oh bugger.  Okay, imagine something really really unlikely - that.  Yes***.

Conrad: Before Donning Disguise

Conrad:  After.  Not Really An Improvement, Is It?

Dammit, Jim, They're Multiplying!
     I know I had an espresso coffee-maker.  That's one.  Singular.  Solo.
     Except when I get home today, what do I find?

Two.  Doubled.  Duo.

There are two possibilities: either the espresso is actually alive and can reproduce, or one of these is an alien shapeshifter.  Those are the only possible explanations.  Obviously.

Crocodile.  Alligator.  Gavial!
     I'm sure you, the reader, being an intelligent sort, are generally aware of the alligator and the hoary old saying that goes with it:  "See you later, alligator."
     (not that alligators are especially easy on the eyes and to be held as cynosures)
     Followed by the inevitable retort: "In a while, crocodile."
     (once again, a living fossil that doesn't really sit easy on the eyes).
     May I spring a surprise upon you:  The Gavial!

No more peculiar than the Flying Whelk, the Spiny Mole Rat or those clubbers you see at chucking-out time

This creature lives in India, and dines upon fish, who swim up to it to comment "Cor!  What a strange-looking cove you are - awk!"
     Anyway, you now have a third temporal-encompassing retort to add to the two above:
     "In an interval, Gavial."

Finally
     There are no cute pictures of gavials (for thus was my cunning plan) so instead here's some lemons on a fence:

But they are Mutant Cannibal Lemons!

*  That's how it should be spelt.  You trans-Atlantic cousins get it wrong!
** I'm working on it but I only get so much leisure time.  Give me a year.
***  "Sir Cliff - secret father of 150 children!" kind of unbelievable.

First, Catch Your Rabbit

Chorizo Chowder Ahoy!
     Except the recipe I've got for the slow cooker version required a 10oz tin of Cream of Chicken Soup, which we don't have in.  Popping down to Royton in the murder-mobile revealed that all the tins of Cream Of Chicken soup on the shelves are bulging with gluten.  So, step one is - make Cream Of Chicken soup.  By then, of course, it will be too late to make the chowder.  I suppose I could get it ready tonight for cooking tomorrow.  Ah - Mister Hand approves.

A moment of Socratic dialogue

Persiflage
     Aha.  Obviously this is a herb introduced to Britain by the Romans, used in their cookery and now to be found growing in the wild in southerly-facing sheltered environments, best used for seasoning lamb and beef.  Typically it will have long, broad leaves, darker on the upper surfaces, and flowers in late Spring.
     What's that?  It just means "flowery language"?  And it occurs in a conversation in "Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves"?
     Well, okay, but! Reality you are dull.

Pers Ponica.  Also works in soups.

The Cat Sat
     I know, I know, I repeat myself but I need some filler material.
     This is where the cat was sitting:

It's a "Rumtopf" jar, before you ask

Until Conrad wandered in and sat down to eat a bagel, upon which the cat came and sat here:

"Can I distract him by looking out of the window?"

Pick her up and put her on the floor and seconds later she'll come sneaking back onto the table, pretending to be disinterested in whatever food is there.

Every frame true

Jive Bunny
     -  were a terrible 80's group who churned out utter sh1t and who should not be mistaken for -

Jade Rabbit
     In case you've been living in a cave or an underwater refuge, this is the Lunar rover that China put on the Moon*.  Here is the little chap:

It looks like a tea tray balanced on Meccano - but it's ON THE MOON!

Earlier this week, JB (as us friends are allowed to call him) took soil samples, controlled by Beijing, 250,000 miles away. A long commute.

So - Tanks?
     You betcha!  Get a load of this:

No I've never heard of this "Photoshop" thing you talk about

Copied from:

http://www.moddb.com/groups/tanks/images/beep-boop-beep-blorp-eradicate

Well it made me laugh, and it's my blog, so there.

Finally
     As an essential antidote to the ninety-ton metal bringer-of-death above, we have some cuddly lion cubs.

Awww!  Cute.  Seconds later, they ate the photographer

* To all tinfoil hat wearers - yes they did.

A Saturday Assemblage

 I Know You Felt My Pain
     Yes, dear reader, when last night's post rolled over and died I had to re-do it, and to ensure it met your thirsting eyeballs before midnight, one article got omitted.  Let us now meet - 

Hang on, can't I milk the sympathy a bit more?  This is me, looking pained.  Pained, I tell you!

CLENCH!
     Some time before Christmas, Darling Daughter and her boyfriend Tom (a quiet, intelligent chap who sometimes seems a little adrift at the Mansion) and myself were sitting at the kitchen table, discussing Rubbish Superheroes.  Not like Aquaman, these were superheroes with rubbish powers or abilities.  I think Sally came up with Elastic Band Man, who can give you a really painful flick in the eye with an elastic band.  Unless you wear glasses, or stand more than three feet away, or if there's a bit of wind - anyway, you get the idea.  Tom suggested a superhero I shall dub "Blasto" since we didn't generate a name for him, whose superpower was sneezing bullets.
     I pointed out to Tom that, since sneezing is an involuntary activity, Blasto was likely to massacre people in shops or on the bus, and he'd have a hard time sneezing on cue, viz:
     "Stop right where you are, Doktor Destrukto!  You're not stopping - very well, I shall unleash my Jeez Louise Sneeze - just hang on whilst I snort some white pepper -

Okay, let me try black pepper -

Dog buns!  Okay, white and black pepper together -

Damn it!  Can you wait till I can get some Snuff?"
     I came up with Prehensile Butt Man, the Clench! of the title.  He tackles crime by using his burnished buns of bronze.  Or maybe beryllium.  Definitely not boron.  And they're only metaphorically made of metal.   He would, of course, have to tackle crime and criminals backwards, probably using an elaborate mirror arrangement to look over his shoulders, maybe also with a siren to warn pedestrians not to stray into the path of the Crime-Crushing Cleft of Deft.

Actually this is "Stench", whose superpower is methane - and a diet exclusively of beans, cabbage and hard-boiled eggs

More Of Maia
     Well, it took most of the morning to flamethrower the flower infestation off the Mansion, and to wash the residue away with PRB-26, a military defoliant that kills all plant life it hits for a period not exceeding 25 years.  Maia (Greek goddess of flowers - do keep up!) still has a few nasty surprises in response to being told that she smells like dog buns.
     As proof, look what was creeping along the wall this morning:

Fortunately Conrad can easily outrun a plant

Okay, Maia, you a redolent of perfume and daisies and wonderfulness, can you leave off now?

MUSIC SUBSECTION
     If you're not up on trendsetting hip indie rock 'n' roll at the cutting-edge of critical creativity, you might want to miss this bit.

     Volcano Choir - Repave
     At one point on "Dancepack" Justin sings the lyrics: "There's p1ss on my boots.  How do I make it stop?'
     Well, Justin, I'm not one to judge, but if you were to cease urinating upon your footwear, this would no longer be a problem.  Also, those of us who are well-brought up tend to use that ceramic appliance found in bathrooms.  
     Don't forget to wash your hands, either.

     Working For A Nuclear Free City
     Bit of an oddity here.  Their CD is entitled "Jojo Burger Tempest".  That is what it says on the cover.  However, when either CD is played, the title becomes "Star Trek The Ashes Of Eden".  Which I like better.  Was there a copyright issue?

     Eels
     Playing "Wonderful, Glorious" after listening to "Shootenanny" in the car for some time.  A notably different production style - rather than the sparse, near-live feel of Shootenanny, this is a lot fuller and rounder.  Nothing stands out in the way of "Rock Hard Times" or "Lone Wolf" but this is the first listen.  I shall persevere.

     The Accoustic Solutions Dock
     Yes!  Finally I have another i-pod dock.  This one looks better and seems more robust than the eggshell and spun-sugar construct that was my previous dock.
     What's that?  Photos or you don't believe me?  Certainly!

Note the remote and the red button.

With the previous model, I didn't realise I was holding the remote the wrong way round and was thus baffled when it didn't work.  This remote has a nice prominent RED BUTTON to prevent Conrad suffering silence.

OKAY MUSIC SUBSECTION OVER YOU CAN COME OUT NOW

First Travel Randomness
     As witnessed on the bus today (I know, I know, travel by PSV risks death by Blasto):


Why one earth are First Travel slandering the Ursidae family?
     Conrad is grateful they aren't doing the usual demolition job on weasels or warthogs.

What One Earth?
     Conrad is consistently surprised by humans.  You can live amongst them, wearing your human skin camouflage, for decades, and they still surprise you.  Witness this horror:

Observe the tinted force-field to protect the innocent

Who would have thought to find a torture implement in the bathroom?  Obviously Garnier, besides producing cosmetics and toiletries, also sub-contract for interrogation instruments.

Babylonian Mythology
     Apparently much influenced by their Sumerian predecessors, but with a mythos very much created by, and unique to, the Babylonians themselves.  Babylon being the central city of that empire, it's patron god was Marduk, whose importance increased over time until he came to head the Babylonian pantheon of gods.

Marduk - good guy.  As seen in "The Real Ghostbusters".  Yes, really

To Finish -
     I only do this to because Anna may be reading, and I don't want to potentially do myself out of some mulled wine look bad

<excuse me, just listening to the end of "Star Trek The Ashes Of Eden" with a fantastic background of campanology, verrrry evocative, okay, back to the Cuddlies ->

Here we go!

Altogether now - "Awwww!"

* There are no asterisked entries today.

Calm Down, The Blog Is Here

Rather Late, Perhaps, But Still Here
     Later than it ought - having spent an hour on it, the blog post was corrupted, didn't display and had to be deleted.
    Dog buns!
    As you already know, gentle reader, normally on a Friday Conrad does the weekly shop after work, then unpacks it and puts it all away, before retiring to the Upstairs Lair to wonder widely on the world, read a good book and ask why this tin of beer is empty?
     This cosy image of domestic bonhomie was disturbed today when Wonder Wifey, enthused beyond belief, stated that we ought to go out for a curry to celebrate.
     Celebrate?  Celebrate what? asked Conrad, his brow a fleshy form of corduroy.
     'The buttons!' enthused Wifey.
     We had inherited 5,000 mouldy buttons dating to the 1920's from her deceased mother.
     'What about them?'
     'They sold for £140!'
     Faced with prima facie evidence like this, Conrad agreed about the curry.  We relocated to the Copper Pot and gorged selves on Indian food, and do you know what -

It cost buttons!

Red Tails
     I have been bleating on about this film, haven't I?  anyway, I watched more of it last night, including a scene where a locomotive and explosive-laden wagons get blown up in a very satisfying KABOOM.
     One point of interest is that the American fighter planes delivering havoc from the skies are Warhawks, a plane obsolete in 1944 by several years.  Second-string sky-bling, to coin a phrase.

One of these planes - ATE IT'S PILOT!!!

Razorback!
     It's a film, look it up on IMDB.  I mention this since the Hard Hog, brother to BOOJUM!'s very own Guard Hog, was the stunt double in this picture, a fact he never fails to mention in every conversation he's ever held.  Of lesser note is his getting a gig as an extra in "Hannibal", being one of the flesh-eating monster munch horror hogs from hell

There!  At the back

He failed at audition on "Lost", although he did get Matthew Fox's autograph.
     There, Hard Hog.  I've pimped your profile on the blog. Now, will you please please release the postie, intact and sane?

I Maia Have Been Mistaken ...
     Conrad can cock a snook at Hermes, Greek god of travellers, since the travel in to work today was entirely bereft of drama.  One might declare, in fact - I say Hermy, old germy, my journey was non-squirmy.
     Insulting Maia, Greek godess of flowers**, well - let's just say there have been unforeseen consequences ...

Tomorrow, B & Q weedkiller aisle with 5 trolleys ...

So - Tanks?
     I should cocoa!  Take a look at this Centurion "BARV":

Beach Armoured Recovery Vehicle

This bit of kit would trundle along the shoreline and into the waves, salvaging other vehicles that had stuck, swamped or sunk.  Not to be confused with the Baywatch "BARV":

Blonde And Red Vested

Which did pretty much the same job, except for human beings.

Finally
     This comes as an apology to Anna, for Conrad coming across as a faintly creepy electronic stalker on Facebook.
     Remember Cerberus?  The triple-headed guardian hound of Hades?*  Ferocious, fanged, slavering, terrifying and toothy?
     Well, maybe not quite so much ...

Awwwww!

* We seem to have had a lot of Greek mythology here this week.  I shall balance it after today with myths from - <thinks> - Babylon!










     

Dog Buns!

I Have Adopted This As My New Official Swear
     It isn't rude - Conrad has too much innate sophistication to descend to vulgarisms* - but, said with force and emphasis on the first word, it certainly conveys to the listener all the injury of a man aggrieved.
     Try it.
     "DOG Buns!"
     See, it works!  Thank you Colin for the inspiration.

This kind of dog buns, not the bread-y version

More On Motoring Misery
     Today, in the epic adventure to work, it took me 187 hours to get from departure point to destination, a distance of 12 miles, and I had to get up at 3:30 a.m. to manage it, thanks to the traffic-ambushes en route.

Don't mock his diaper - the god of travellers can hold a grudge ...

So Far So Good
     Despite Hermes being a sore loser, my picking on Maia (Greek goddess of flowers) has been consequence-free so far.  Maia - you smell!
     <pause>
     Nope.  Nothing.
     "Maia!  You smell - of dog buns!"
     <pause>
     Still nothing.  I got away with it!

Revelations
     No, not the book in the Bible. No, "Revelations" is my work-in-progress zombie novel.  I put some on a memory-stick and lent it to Alison, and was vastly flattered that she asked for more, and so did her boyfriend.  It's still a first draft, but solid and workable.  One alteration that needs to be made are two scenes set at the BBC studios on Oxford Road, which haven't existed for years.
     I shall explain about the title.  In order to avoid panic, the government insists that the official name for the ravening undead hordes is "revenants" - the z-word is not to be used!  It might cause people to fret and worry, you see.  Thus the nickname for a zom - for a revenants is "rev".  Hence "Revelations".

Sooo much less frightening when it's only a revenant horde, not a zombie one (Yes that is "Tyres" from "Spaced")

Red Tails
     Nothing to do with dog buns, thanks! rather the World War 2 flyer flick from Speilberg.
     I started watching and the first scene rather furrowed my brow.  American fighters, escorting a flock of bombers, dash off into the wild blue yonder after some German fighters, leaving the hapless bombers helpless as more German fighters turn up and scrag them.
     Now, as part of my training ahead of our invasion**, I had to study human military history.  At this point in the war the Luftwaffe (German air force) was 1) greatly outnumbered 2) absent experienced pilots and - this is the kicker - being shot out of the sky in huge numbers.
     Still, I suppose you have to have something to drive the script, eh?

Red Sails.  Close enough.

Plum
     A.k.a. Pelham Grenville Wodehouse.  I've just finished "Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves" and SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT dashed if there aren't some plot twists that you don't see coming.
     For one thing, Spode (now Sir Roderick) has given up his Brownshort fascist party - I suppose becoming one of the aristocracy meant he couldn't agitate against himself any longer.  And he proposes to Madeline Bassett!  That's right - the ex-betrothed of Gussy Fink-Nottle, who - settle down, settle, down, let your heart stop racing - has eloped with Emerald Stoker, the daughter of American millionaire ooja-ma-flip*** Stoker.

No!  Wrong kind of Plum!

Dog buns!  Also, that lady's hat is decorated with -

*  Translated, he doesn't swear.
**  They have left Alpha Centauri.  Estimated time of arrival = 2097 AD
*** I picked this up from "Right Ho Jeeves".  I like it.  I will use it more.