Hello, Jack

Don't Worry, This Is Not Another Thesis About "Samurai Jack"
Although, if you wanted, I could - no?  "Not under any circumstances?"  Well, we'll see about that -
     Anyway, what I wanted to do was simply show you a packet of cheese I bought earlier in the week.  Art?

Thus

     But thanks to that insult about SJ, I shall now proceed to harp on about Monterey Jack.  It's from South Canada, in case you were unaware, and several recipe books I have that originate there call at some points for "Monterey Jack", which I've always ignored, using honest-to-goodness Cheddar from the Pond of Eden - Ha!  take that, South Canada!
     The name derives from the place of production, Monterey, and the businessman who first sold appreciable amounts of it, one Mister D. Jack.
     So now you know.

Someone needs a haircut ...

     I wasn't going to let you dictate what appears here, as that would never do.  And it won't.
     Okay, motley, don't get big-headed just because you were the answer in a crossword.

THESE WORDS ARE ABSURDS!
Alright, alright, I know that's not grammatically correct, but it rhymes, which is what matters.
     To what am I referring?  Why, the latest Skeleton crossword that I managed to complete, correctly, on my own.  Excuse me - ON MY OWN*.  There.  Art?

Extra-large so you can see every exquisite detail

     The thing is, these Skeletons are hard to begin with - as you can see, they don't even tell you how long a word is.  Thus, I had to look up the solution for "AZALEA" because there's simply no way I'd ever get that.  And what about "ALYSSUM", which I had to confirm via my Collins Concise?  And, whilst I'm ranting, "ASHRAM"?  "ZODIAC"?  "PROSAIC"?  These are not exactly common words!  Plus, you can't see over the Correcting Sharpie, but my first guess for "Insect that bites livestork" was "TSETSE", so I suppose that one's on me.
     BUT STILL**!

A Ashram

     There will now be a short pause as I go downstairs and turn the oven on.  All that remaindered food won't cook itself!

A Head For Heights
As you should surely know by now, Conrad's job is at the very highest heights of the Dark Tower in the very middle of Gomorrah-in-the-Irwell, which gives him a very splendid view of all the various tower blocks being built and the 14 cranes visible from his seat without moving.
     Conrad is also, to be frank, a nosy rascal.  He cannot look at anything without wondering how it works, where it came from and who built it.  Art?

The view from my window.
(Picturesque but I tend to cook if the sun is out)

      This is to set the scene.  Notice that building in the foreground.  Got it?

Now, what are they up to? 

     "Window cleaning" would be your first answer, and it would also be wrong.  They went down that column of windows and then came back up again, and they repeated the process the next day, too.  They had compatriots doing a similar job the next column over.
     Your Humble Scribe rather suspects that they were at least inspecting the windows, maybe even carrying out repairs, as having a two-yard square piece of silicon dioxide fall on your head from that height will chop you in two -
     I did mention how nosy I am, didn't I?

This will all make sense on Facebook, I assure you -

Rugs!

A Head For Frights
Do you see what - O you do.  Halloween now being over, Conrad notices that a lot of folks haven't yet taken down the decorations they took ages to put up.
     THIS WILL NOT DO!  TAKE THEM DOWN IMMEDIATELY!
     After all, you now have to put up Bonfire Night decorations, and then after those, the Christmas ones.
     Now that, as I said, Halloween is safely behind us, the saga can be told - of Melinda's champion pumpkin.  Art?

That's Sue in the background - so scared she dare not turn around ...

     Melinda is actually an art graduate, proven by the very excellent sketches of animals she's dotted around the office for her colleagues; I am desperately awaiting my own "spirit animal" sketch from her***.  Obviously her art skills came through here as she won the Pumpkin Carving competition.  Well done old gel!

Some More About TANK
Ha!  Tricked you, didn't I?  You thought you'd gotten away without any more mention of Armoured Fighting Vehicles SIT BACK DOWN you can leave when I've finished.
     Once more we return to that revisionist work by Prof. J. Buckley, "BAITNC" (nope, I'm not deciphering it, you'll just have to go back and read those earlier posts), where he points out that, rather than the Oh-So-Mighty Tiger tank, one of the most effective Teuton AFVs was the humble Sturmgeshutz.  Art?

Stug with puny humans for scale

     This particular beast was made by taking an obsolete tank, the Panzer III, which couldn't be up-gunned any further, and whipping off the turret.  A long 75 m.m. gun was stuffed into it, inside a simple armoured box superstructure; this was a lot cheaper and quicker to build than having a whole turret installed.  Of course there was a downside: you had to move the whole vehicle in order to aim.
     On the plus side (for the crew) it had a very low profile, so it was easier to hide and harder to spot than a hulking 56 ton monster, making it a very efficient "ambush predator".  Great for defence, not so hot on the offensive.

Lindybeige showing the love

     In fact Lindy (he above) states that it was the most effective Teuton AFV of the war.  So that that, Henschel!

Right, we are just over the Compositional Ton and I have a hot lunch waiting, so yah boo sucks to everyone out there, my stomach comes first.  Pip pip!

*  That is, nearly all on my own.
**  When I take over, some crossword compilers are going to have a torrid time of it.
***  A slug! <the horrid truth courtesy Mister Hand>