Bible, Captain and Jack

Nothing To Do With A Manga Series -
"What can Conrad mean this time?" I hear you quibble.  Also, "It's surely too early to have been at the cooking sherry?"
     "Black" is the answer - Bible black, Captain Black and Jack Black.
     Actually be careful if you Google "Bible Black", as this brings up a Japanese Hentai which is most definitely NOT S.F.W.  Instead try "Starless and Bible Black".
     I did think this would be a quick and easy Intro, but now find I've got to explicate myself, as what I think makes sense to me, but not - obviously! - to anyone else.
     "Starless and bible-black" - a line from that Welsh poet extraordinaire Dylan Thomas, who is probably one of the only people who could get away with being called Dylan* and still be cool with it.  From "Under Milk Wood".

Dylan.  Telling it like it is

     Captain Black - you gotta wonder, with a name like that, was he always ever destined to be the Big Baddy?

Note the sunken eyes and stubble.
Clearly this guy plays too many computer games!

     Of course that's the classic Supermarionation version, there is a CGI alternative -

More messianic than Mysteron, one feels.

     Jack Black - together with Kyle Gass, one half of Tenacious D.  Kyle may look like Bank Manager Man, but he's a top musician.  Jack also earns kudos for recording and explaining the musical creative process as being long on perspiration and little on creativity - to paraphrase, you might throw musical ideas around all afternoon and come up with five seconds of workable material.
     Oh, he's also in films and things.

Jack and Kyle.  Superglue accident, apparently.

Okay.  That's the Intro over, and we have probably sent the Hamsterminator Internet Scrutineers into orbital overload with that lot.
     On with the notley!

A Short Photo-essay About Life At The Mansion
Now are indeed torrid times at the Mansion, as the sun and rain combined mean the minefields need extremely careful pruning - that grass insists on growing.  Also, the barbed wire gets hidden under new growth, meaning that Postie occasionally finds himself trapped in the midst of triple dannert wire.  Stop whining, Postie - it's not like it's electrified!
     Anyway.  I took the photos so you are most certainly going to have to look at them.

     Cake

Orange and Almond and Yoghurt - Loaf

     I know, I know, it calls itself a loaf, yet it is most unarguably a cake.  Gluten-free, with a very nice crumb to it, which doesn't always happen; some gluten-free recipes bake well but collapse when cooled - not so for this baby.  Since it wasn't all finished I may offer some to those present Monday who missed out on Friday**.  A Hummingbird Bakery recipe, meaning a little bit more faff than normal recipes, yet a very nice outcome.
     Monster!  I had to get a picture of this, as Wonder Wifey chuckled with both alarm and delight when she realised what serendipity had created:

Monster above, skull below

     I know she's creative, but - really!
     Conrad The Comfy Cushion - and here you see one of the major functions of your humble scribe when Wonder Wifey and/or Degsy are not around -

     Of course Edna can only adopt this position if Conrad is not scribbling away on an A4 pad with a book in the other hand, and she has been cheeky enough on occasion to head-butt these offending articles, indicating that she wants to climb aboard.
     The Silent Sentry - a choice position for keeping an eye on both bus and private motor vehicle traffic.

Edna Wunderhund, wundering

     If any of the Mansion staff happen to get off the bus, or the Murder Mobile turns into Tandle Hill Road, the "silent" part goes out the window as Edna barks her lungs out.
     My New Best Friend Forever - I believe the principle here is "Random Reinforcement Ratio" as Edna hangs around the Upstairs Lair to see if there are any interesting morsels on the floor, about to be on the floor or up on high that she can just reach with a bit of a stretch.

Edna, working the "See me the soulful underfed puppy" look

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword - Certainly if you want to write a bit of deathless prose, as even a quill pen tends to tear up the paper - can you imagine what a sword dipped in Black Quink would do to a sheet of A4 feint-ruled?

The reason there is a pen shortage in the UK

     Anyway, here we are with my 30 pens.  Not counting the two attached to Notebook and Diary.  Oh, and the three clipped into my t-shirt neck.  Plus the four in my pencil-case.  And another four at work.  Plus I think there's another one under the bed and another behind the wardrobe.  Also <Mister Hand intervenes to admit that Conrad has, potentially, an infinite number of pens>
The Horror Of Pineapple  If you read the blog on a regular basis, you will realise that Conrad hates, HATES, HATES Pineapple above all other things in this world

A picture of poison

     I would much rather eat a plate of Stinking Corpse Lily than a single segment of pineapple, that's how much I hate it.  I mention this because I got a bottle of Don Simon as above, and Wonder Wifey won't touch it.  I was going to dispose of it with lazy tong scissors and a nose-peg when noble Degsy stepped in to take care of it.

Blimey, that's us at nearly 1000 words. I've already been busy typing away at my "Eden Underwood" story; thanks to rehearsing this in my head for the past few days I dashed off 1200 words with no trouble, and add to this total the 800-odd from earlier this afternoon - Conrad = Highly Productive.
     The quality is another matter, I admit ...



*

"Hey, man!  I kinda object to that."

** Okay, okay - Anna.  And maybe Sophie too.

Gadzooks! Coincidence Upon Coincidence ...

These Are Beginning To Worry Me
I can't entirely blame "Brewer's"* for this, as this did happen before purchasing it, usually - but not restricted to - when reading Thomas Pynchon.
     Okay, one book I've been reading recently is:

Author sounds familiar?  He's the BBC's Security Correspondent

     The book begins in the immediate aftermath of World War Two, focussing on Vienna, where MI6 was operating against the Russians.  Much mention is made of Graeme Greene and "The Third Man", to wit:

I'm providing pictures here.  Art is locked in the attic.

     Today I open up the most recent edition of "Empire" and what do I see on Page5?

     No caption needed, I feel.

Coincidence The Second
Yesterday I went rambling on about a few of the victims of the Dotcom Crash, as mentioned extensively in Tom's** novel "Bleeding Edge".  I'd done a bit of work on this in preparation as I'd only be posting after having done the shopping, and here it is:

Please note those words "South Sea Bubble"

     I did wonder if there were any precursor analogies in the South Sea Bubble, which was a speculative enterprise that went bust after shockingly criminal abuse.
     Today I open up Brewer's on Page 118 and there in the first column is a mention of the trading term "Bear", and a few lines in there's our old friend "SOUTH SEA BUBBLE".
     Is the universe trying to tell me something, I wonder?

"Star Trek: The Original Series": The Doomsday Machine
Ah, now this is one of my favourite Star Trek episodes, and I like it more than "City on the Edge of Forever", as it has a whole lot of BLAM! to it.  I noticed with interest that it's by Norman Spinrad, another American science-fiction author who was hot at the time, and later.
     The plot line is quite straightforward: the Enterprise comes across a Big Gun, which cannot be destroyed by conventional attack, but which is quite capable of destroying the Enterprise.  I have carped on about the "enhanced" exterior shots and effects but they do work well in this instance, giving a more detailed feel to the Planet Killer.  They are also impressive in re-imagining the badly damaged USS Constellation.

The rather crude original.  Still, it was pretty good for 1967

     Kirk quickly realises that what they're dealing with is a doomsday weapon, triggered by extra-galactic aliens who may no longer survive, whilst their robot monster still thrives.  The sole survivor about the Constellation is Commodore Decker, whose crew are all dead - as revealed in this bit of dialogue:
KIRK: Where is your crew?
DECKER: On the fourth planet.
KIRK: There IS no fourth planet!
DECKER: Don't you think I don't know that!

1967 vs. 2003

   Commodore Matt Decker is a bit of a tragic bottomwipe.  After risking the destruction of the Enterprise, and convinced he should have died with his crew, he suicidally pilots a shuttle-craft into the maw of the monster.  Give the man credit, he doesn't chicken out or look away until he gets vapourised. 

" "A tragic bottomwipe", eh, Conrad?   I'll see you later."

     Interesting fact: overloading the impulse engines on a starship akin to the Enterprise will give you an explosion of almost 100 Megatonnes yield.  Watch those dials carefully, Scotty!
     One thing I liked about this episode is that when Kirk takes a party across to Constellation, the only usual suspect is Scotty, the others are completely unknown characters - you begin to get the feeling that the Enterprise crew is actually as large as made out.
     Favourite Kirk moment:  Alone aboard the Constellation, about to be either vapourised by the Planet Killer or the impulse engines overloading, Kirk calls the Enterprise and calmly announces "Gentlemen, I suggest you beam me aboard now" - that's the casebook definition of grace under pressure.

" aboard now.  Also, I believe I left a light on in my room."

     Finally, the episode ends with a Cheeky Oboe Trill that is utterly out of place - akin to a Norwegian pagan death metal band playing at a bar mitzvah.


Well, there we've gone from picture-heavy to text-extant.  Not only that, I've run out of margarine and there's a spoon in the sock drawer!***

"Oh no!  The horror, the horror!
A spoon in the sock drawer!"

Farewell To Janice
Yesterday saw a long farewell to Janice, as she goes off on maternity leave for at least nine months.
     No!  I didn't write a goodbye pome for her, she got one last week on her 30th birthday.

That's my spoon in the bottom left corner, and my Ikea knife at mid-right

     We really will miss her as she is tremendous fun and also brings in nice things to eat^.  Hailing from Cameroon, she met her Dutch husband in Malaya and is now living in the UK, so quite the globe-trotter.

Well, we've hit 850 words without me even getting half-way through what I wanted to post.  I'll be back.



* That is, "Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable"
** We're on first name terms
*** Not really - just trying to create dramatic tension.
^ Except for the snails.

Danger! Will Robinson -

Also Anyone Using "Brewer' Dictionary - 
Of Phrase and Fable".
     I did think "What Ho!" when I bought this volume, as it might very well serve as an inspiration for blog titles, taking a little of the intellectual slog out of coming up with an idea - easily the hardest part of the whole creative process.  In times past I've sat desperately trying to think of a pithy, witty, humourous or curious quotation or phrase.
     Well that might be harder but it's certainly less prone to the worrying coincidences the Dog Buns! book has generated.
     What foreign word was I banging on about last night?  "Freebooter".

Threebooter.  Close enough

     Today I open Brewer's at page 543 - I put these page numbers in so you can check your own Seventeenth Edition - and what is halfway down the right-hand column?
     Dead right!  "Freebooter".
     Now, I only like to WHAT'S THAT NOISE COMING FROM THE CUPBOARD!

"Bleeding Edge" By Thomas Pynchon
I have poked around a few of the names that Tom mentions, including "Razorfish", which seems to have been another victim of the Dotcom crash, having it's shares plummet in value from $50 each to $1, which is quite a precipitate fall.  They ended up being acquired by other companies, who were then acquired by other companies, etc. etc. but at least Razorfish were generating big bucks before they tanked.

     "Pets.com", however, were far less successful.  Generating a profit of only $600K, they splurged on advertising of $11 million - that's just advertising, not including wages, rents, leases or investments - with is a ratio of 1:18.  Unsurprisingly, Pets.com were annihilated and vanished from the scene in the aftermath of the crash.  There is a word for this.  STUPIDITY!

     
WWE Studios
If you're thinking "Surely Conrad cannot be referring to that scripted choreographed pantomime called World Wrestling <something beginning with "E">?" then you'd be wrong.  Yes, I am referring to World Wrestling <something beginning with "E">.  They have a film arm, a fact I didn't realise until reading that very interesting article on DTD films over at Den Of Geek.  They churn out no-frills bang-bang shooty-shooty films that have a simple, entertaining intent, no going for depth or subtlety here.

http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/straight-to-dvd/31901/the-top-25-underappreciated-straight-to-dvd-films

I'm not going into a long description of either studio or films for the very good reason that I've not seen any of them, so I may try to indulge in a little thick-ear film scouting this weekend.  I'll get back to you on that. Meanwhile -

"I got Conrad in my sights, Sarge.  Do I take him out?"
"Nah.  His hide's too thick.  Call in an airstrike."

Flaming June
It must be Glastonbury, because it's raining.  Or, when Conrad was walking to the bus stop, torrenting.
     Conrad can now negotiate his way to the Electric Goldfish Bowl of a morning, unencumbered by a rime of villainous-looking backpackers, taking up the pavement on Miller Street like scum on a shoreline, since Glasto has started and they've all gone off there.

Flaming June Whitfield?

     Now, normally Conrad wouldn't bother one iota* about what happens off in a muddy field in Somerset, except that this year Public Service Broadcasting are playing and he hopes they do well.  Also, the Pavlou** sisters are in attendance and Conrad wishes them a dry, hopefully even sunny, event.

Possibly not quite the right kind of sun ...

Superheroes With Their Pants Down
Brian, I promise not to do a parody of anyone from "Powers"!  Trust me on this***.
     I know what you're thinking^, "Why not "Supervillains"?"  Well, because superheroes operate with a moral compass, and accept that their actions have consequences, and seek to protect the greater public.  Supervillains, on the other hand, are bottom-dwellers, bottom-feeders, bottom-burps^^who don't give a fig about you, me or poor old Poskrebyshev and who simply don't care.
     Anyway, today I decided to focus on the X-Men, and Iceman in particular.

Someone's been at the cooking sherry ....

     This is Robert "Bobby" Drake, who as you can see is able to manipulate water and render it into ice; he can also turn himself into ice, and rather worryingly the only clothing he seems to wear when iced-up is a pair of boots.
     Think of the children!
     Okay, let us think logically and imagine that Bobby is all iced-up, just waiting for a minor villain to attempt bank robbery or grand theft auto.  What does he need to beware of?

Being mistaken for the world's biggest Cornetto?

     1)  Avoid running into things.  Given that he's solid ice, he might well shatter into bits, or have a limb fall off, and you can bet stand-up comedians would mercilessly lampoon his being "cracked".
     2)  This is a no-brainer - heat.  Bobby and the Human Torch can never be friends.
     3)  Less obviously, precipitation.  A shower of rain - or a vertical river as experienced by your humble scribe today - would immediately freeze on his exposed surfaces and instantly convert him into an immobile obesity.
     4)     Fast foods, and chips^^^ especially.  Why?  Because of the high salt content.  Ice and salt, join the dots ...
     5)  Cocktail parties.  Because the temptation to the intoxicated partygoer with a pink gin and an icepick would be irresistible ...

How did the Comics Code ever pass this?

* Greek idiom for "very small indeed"
** Greek surname.  Do you see what - o you do.
*** I had my fingers crossed.  Tee hee!
^ Only metaphorically, but give it ten years and see what DARPA creates ...
^^ Get the delicately-nuanced theme here?
^^^ Go on, you can call them fries if you want to.