Rochdale: A Town Reprieved

For The Moment -
For who knows what sinister micro-organisms are being cooked up in that secret government lab beneath the Town Hall?  After all, there are some things that Man Is Not Meant To Know.  Quite what Woman thinks of this is unclear -
     Anyway, we're getting off-topic.  Apparently there was no mass zombie outbreak in Rochdale, people were not fleeing in panic, RAF Squadron 9 did not have to drop a couple of W87 nuclear weapons to pre-empt infection elsewhere, and the whole thing might have simply been the popular response to a free concert by B*witched*.  Or was it Boyzone?

Positively itching to zap zombies

     Oh, that photograph of the undead hordes in the town centre?  Simply a normal Saturday night.  Sorry for the confusion!
     Now, what I want to know is the title of that film which (I think) features Robert Mitchum as an arms salesman, something like that, except it may not be him, although it's in colour, from either the Fifties or Sixties.  That's important.  A bit vague, perhaps, but important.
     We shall come back to Rob Mitchum.  Oh yes.  Meanwhile -

Today's Evidentiary Photographs
In fact these are from yesterday and denote Conrad's conscientious pursuit of physical exercise, also of walking the dog, in the hope that this will secure him a bottle of something exotic from Malta**.
     Firstly, have a look at another bush.  Art?

     This picture doesn't do it justice, because it's incredibly garish.  Frankly, it looks out of place in an English garden and, when I become World Dictator <Mister Hand intervenes to redact seven A4 pages of bilious invective> as fertiliser themselves.
     Nor is that all.  Whilst trotting down Tandle Hill Road with dog in tow, an artisan getting kit ready alongside a van declaring itself to be "Greenfingers" called out "Is that a boarder?"
     This caused some confusion as Edna resides at The Mansion free of charge.  Conrad, ever one to complicate things needlessly, then realised the chap meant "Border".  As in Border Terrier.
     We made over to him and he produced a brindled Border Terrier from the cab of his van, Edna dancing at his feet all the time as she is wickedly neglected at home, you know.  Doing well for herself, she did not bark, not once.

The variety that is not Edna

     In the afternoon we ventured up Thornham Lane, which is a misnomer, although shorter and easier to say than "Thornham Serial Potholed Dirt Track", which should not be driven over by anything less than a 4 x 4, or more preferably a Challenger tank.  Art!

     And because Wonder Wifey is likely to skrike if not provided with as many pictures as possible, here is our furry fiend off the leash.  In the absence of other people or dogs she can be trusted to remain in view, and yesterday we were troubled only by a passing tractor and single pedestrian.

Forward Operating Base Nimrod Evolves
Er - but it will all be tidied up by the weekend, honestly.  We have acquired audio-visual capability.

     More Edna, who wanted a game of tugging with her soggy soft toy.  No, Edna!  Take it away and sulk in the corner, fulminating on how the Wicked Humans neglect you.

Clerihews Of Abuse
I thought about whom to offend, and pondered what to say whilst walking Edna.  Then it came to me - those doyens of the South Canadian cowboy film genre! Especially since most of them are dead and cannot thus be slandered, leading to lawsuits and rich lawyers.

John Wayne

Disliked rain.

He got angry if he got wet, 

Which could be uncomfortable on set.

     The weather outside seems to have changed, too, with the clouds now ten-tenths across the sky.  Ahoy, Mister Wayne, you'd better take cover***.  Who's next?

Clint Eastwood

Drinks blood.

He sips it from a crystal glass;

Then he goes out, and kicks ass.

     I know Clint's still alive, but he's getting on quite a bit and probably won't want to waste his few precious years remaining indulging in legal sanction.  Unless - unless that stuff about drinking blood is - er - true - and - hmmm, I don't think I'll answer the door in person for a while

Randolph Scott

Had an ocelot.

I do not mean he kept a pet.

It was cooked, put on a table, and et.

     I think it best to illustrate both Randolph and the ocelot.  Art?


     I trust you can decide which is which.

Robert Mitchum 

Didn't have a stich on.

Sunbathing nude to get an all-over tan,

He didn't want to be an Americ-wan

     I think that's rather good!  Do you see what - O you do.
     "Bandido" 1956 - could that be the film I mean?


*  Good lord aloft, apparently they're reforming.  Why?  They weren't wanted first time around.
**  Malt vinegar does not count.
***  This is rhetorical, as he is no longer alive.  I just thought I'd confirm that.

Rochdale: City Of The Dead

No Jests, Please
If your neighbouring town happens to have been over-run by zombies, it's no laughing matter.  You try to catch a taxi whilst fending off the shambling undead hordes!
     Yes, I am referring to all those people obviously fleeing a minor zombie apocalypse that has overwhelmed the town of Rochdale.  I have evidence - 

     Since traffic is heading into Rochdale, I presume that matters have been dealt with, or at the very least a cordon sanitaire established.  There is social media coverage of the town centre and - well, let the pictures speak for themselves -

Ravening undead hordes!

     There you go, proof positive of - no, it's not a picture taken at chucking-out time!  Those are zombies, mate, pure and simple.  What else can those people have been fleeing, eh?  Mutant monster moles?  Cyborg death weasels?  A free concert by East 17?
     Zombies, mate, zombies.  It's the only sensible explanation.

Edna - Keeping You Safe
Well, more like keeping me safe, which is what matters, as I am infinitely more valuable than you are.  Sorry, that's just how it is.  She would instantly recognise an approaching zombie due to smell, if not body posture and an inability to cock one's finger when drinking tea out of a Delft china cup.
     So!  Here is a progress report of yesterday's trip to the quarry site that gives our locality the wonderfully literal name of "Gravel Hole".
     

     Behold Edna, unmarked by mud.  This is no mean achievement, as there is a spring that runs down the quarry approach, all year round.  In winter, when it ices over, it is positively dangerous.
     Anyway, here we were, safely distant from both Rochdale and Rochdale Road - this would be the approach route any of zombies that escaped confinement in the town.  Edna proved to be trustworthy as she remained within my eyeline.  Art, proof!

Edna, bum to the fore

     It was quite a nice day, bright and sunny but with enough of a breeze that Conrad was glad of his jacket.  I know, I know, this is barely news, is it? but I have to provide a flavour of the British weather for those who have decamped to warmer climes overseas*.
     I could also get a better perspective on Rochdale.

Quiet.  Almost - no, I can't bring myself to say it

     At this distance you wouldn't be able to discern sirens or screaming, though there don't appear to be any explosions or fires.  I thought those were endemic to any zombie outbreak?  I can tell what you're thinking - "Oh Conrad, you ought to go explore and see if the revenant masses have been brought under control".  Get stuffed!
     Edna?  Edna, can you detect any zombies in the immediate vicinity?

Nope

     Only a clump of grass with an enticing smell.  At this point I decided to not tempt fate any longer and head back to The Mansion, which Edna appreciated as she was a bit tuckered out; she gets about an hour's worth of walk each day with Conrad the Conscientious, which is up a bit from ten minutes, and she's not gotten used to it yet.

"Edna!  Play undead!"

     Right!  Enough worrying about zombies.  Let the dice fall as they may, for we are now about to -

Apologise For Pearl Harbour
(Please note this is the correct spelling and there will be no further discussion about it).
     Yes, yes, I can hear you questioning my assertion.
     "Surely - spellings aside - that was the Japanese?" I hear your baffled expostulation.
     Well yes, but we are talking about Perfidious Albion here, and a little operation in November 1940 that gave the Japanese an unhealthy interest in attacking ships in harbour.  Art?

Into the jaws of death -

     Using 20 biplanes that were long obsolete, Perfidious Albion pioneered a method of launching torpedoes in very shallow water, and put half the Italian navy's battleships out of action.  Two of the "Stringbags" were shot down, which is a rather poor exchange if the other chap's lost three battleships.  The Italian's Axis chums the Japanese were very interested in what had transpired, probably a little too ghoulishly for the Italian's liking.
     I should point out that the Swordfish bomber used by Albion was long obsolete and, allegedly, one of the reasons that they survived anti-aircraft fire was that Axis gunnery equipment simply wasn't calibrated to deal with aircraft that flew so slowly.  Albion, eh?  Perfidious to the last!

Ben looks unhappy.  Tough, Ben, that spelling ain't gonna change.

Finally -
You can never have too many pens.  Never.

This probably counts as pen porn, but what the heck, it's still SFW

*  They know who they are ...

Zombies Over-run Rochdale!

Well, Perhaps
What else can cause a population to flee in terror?  Yes, yes, an invasion of land-mobile Great White Sharks, except that we're a long way from the Irish Sea.  Mysterious killer monsters from The Upside Down?  Don't be ridiculous!  The second season of "Stranger Things" hasn't even started.  New Kids On The Block doing a free concert?  Now you're just being silly.  Zombies is by far the most sensible explanation.
     "What's rattled his cage now?" I can hear you quibbling.  Leaving aside the slightly squeaky note in your voice as you consider the possibility that zombies are real, I shall explain. 

Look at them, fleeing!

     This collection of panicky humans wasn't unique or isolated, the procession went on during the morning and into the afternoon, and nobody who went past ever returned.  Clearly the undead had taken over Rochdale, because that's the direction these people were fleeing from.  Even more evidence!

Still fleeing

     "They don't seem to be exactly running," I hear you observe.  Well of course not!  We're British, we don't panic, we leave that to more excitable types.  In the case of an emergency, proceed slowly to a place of refuge and remain out of eyeshot of the hordes of ravening undead.

A Few Clerihew
We've not had any of these quirky little space-fillers for a day or two, and I do so enjoy regaling you with the fruits of my imagination whilst walking the dog*.  Whether you enjoy them or not isn't really the point, it's my blog and that's that.  Okay, let the merry quipping begin!
     

Chris Hemsworth

Is banned from Perth.

I refer to the Scottish town, 

not the place that's Under and Down.

     Who knows what dreadful crime he committed to be banished from the Purl of the North?  Personally I suspect he put sugar in his porridge.
     Also, getting barred from Perth, Australia would be problematic for him, as he's Australian.
     Now, who else can we insult?  Aha.  I spy a prog rocker trying to look inconspicuous.

Roger Waters

Hired porters

To carry his stuff around,

In the days of the Sixties Underground

     Ha!  I can't imagine anyone less likely to do that, he'll really get infuriated when these verses meet his sight.  Now, here's one person I've had my satirical eye on, although his surname has been his best defence - until now.

William Shatner

Visited Patna.

Even if it was only a single time

It helps as his name is hard to rhyme.

     Patna, for your information, is a city in India.

The cold, hard, unimpressed stare of Mr. Waters

More Of Madam
Ah yes the daily doggy update.  These are from yesterday, after we went up and around Darling Daughter's old school.  Weather not exactly hot or sunny, yet at least not raining.  Art?

Edna lower right

     After two walks that total nearly an hour, our princess was a bit tuckered out. Art?

     I know, I know, this isn't exactly news, but I have an obligation to keep Wonder Wifey up to speed on how her surrogate daughter is doing.  If not, there will be trouble in the world.  My world.
     Oh, and get this -

     Shocking, isn't it?  And yet so typical of First Bus. There's the 409 still heading into Rochdale, a town now infested with zombies.  They really don't care about their passengers, do they?

Er -

     Of course, I may be overthinking this a bit ...

I think it may be a slow news day at the Beeb, one of their articles is about a law banning people in Hampshire from walking more than four dogs at a time.  North Korea? French Presidential elections? The war on ISIS?  Pallid, inconseqential nonsense compared to walking the dogs!

This is it!

     People can't get enough of this, and - I know I'm contradicting myself** - apparently walking the dog is news, and you lot need to know more more more.  Don't worry, you will!

Conrad Predicts The Future
And it isn't pretty.  Some years ago, whilst on a cruise ship, I came up with a rationale for a sci-fi story and wrote it down.  Earth has sent out a combination of exploratory and diplomatic starship mission, to reconnect with planets previously colonised but which have broken off contact with the mother world.

Planet Earth; your home planet

     Part of the reason for these colonies being established was flight from the oppressive dictatorship of AUTHORITY on Earth.  I'm not sure if AUTHORITY is an anagram or not, but it has to always be in upper-case.  There were two versions of AUTHORITY: the original, composed of cyborg ubermenschen who were relatively benign, and the latter version, who were most definitely not benign, and who were a lot more machine than human.
     Well now, Professor Yuval Harari has come up with a compelling argument that this is what is going to happen, not merely might.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-39706765

     There's the link.
     You can get ready to acknowledge your new masters aaaany day now, and you're welcome.

Meet the new boss

*  Patience, the Ednews comes later
**  Not that I care a whit.