World Domination Put On Hold

Only Temporarily
Yes, indeed.  Not only have I been forced to delay plans, thanks to those interstellar sluggards of mine taking their own sweet time in transit from Alpha Centauri, but a second derailment has occurred as I seem to be helping The Flop House in their plans for world domination.
     Any payments you might be considering making would be highly welcome, TFH; you can message me for bank account details.

Then I can buy this!

     This, rather than a bad film, concerns that thread I posted about concerning music.  As promised, I went through all 163 posts and noted those that seemed interesting and/or were repeated.  Yes I am a sad completist/obsessive/anorak*.
     Thanks to Grooveshark being long dead and Spotify free being utter rubbish, this means a recourse to Youtube.  I may post a link and then we can all sit back and make judgements.  Sounds groovy, eh?
     I did notice that some stuff I like cropped up, and one other person on TFH likes The Comsat Angels, so they shall thus be preserved from being enslaved or sent to the organ banks.
     In another timely coincidence, Twitter also featured a note from someone asking if "Sleep No More" by the Comsats was better than Joy Division.  Art?

Definitely!

     In terms of musical competence they completely outperform JD, whilst remaining just as bleak and desolate in nature; music to be miserable by.
     Well, here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXuw2iC5Ino

     This is Sleater Kinney and "The Woods" and it might be a bit atonal and metal-ly for some of you - okay, most of you - but I like it so far.

Hello Sober April
No!  I am not referring to a female acquaintance called "April" who is normally falling-down drunk.  No, that would be - ah!  nearly spilled the beans.
     No, today is the Second of April, thus being the second day of your humble scribe's Month of Sober <chorus of applause from appreciative audience>.  You remember?  every third month Conrad's liver gets time off.
     Sadly enough, this sobriety also coincides with the 29th Oldham Beer Festival.  I missed this last year, too.  Hooray! says Liver; Booh, grumbles Conrad.

     I did go a couple of years ago and it's a very amiable event, despite there being hundreds of people doing nothing but sit around and drink.  The idea is to enjoy the beer, rather than get tanked up and smash things.

BOOJUM! Reviews Films
If you are unaware of how we treat films round here, allow me to explain that we go off the title and tagline alone, never mind what the actual film is about, and that we generalise wildly.  That would be boring.  If you want a proper film review get on over to Twitter and Follow Mark Kermode.
     So!  First of all I must complain because there's far too many posters for "Power Rangers" still whizzing past on buses, and also a peculiar entity called "Pretty Little Thing" which doesn't seem to be a film, although the posters are so vague it could be advertising a garden centre or artisan candles.
     "The Boss Baby": An animated film.  Hmmm.  Conrad is, frankly, doubtful.  This might be amusing for five minutes, after which it would outlive it's welcome.  It can't do anything better than "Captain Underpants" in my definitive opinion.

Babies are dull.  Have an industrial mincing machine instead

     "Ghost In The Shell":   A live-action version of an animated film.  Hmmm.  Conrad has seen the anime version umpteen times, which is necessary to understand what the heck is going on.  Not sure if this will live up to the plot convolutions and contortions of the original.  Also, I suspect a fair proportion of the male audience are there because of Scarlett Johansson not wearing a lot.

The anime, for your education

     "Bat Out Of Hell":  This seems to be a <hack spit> musical, which is normally well out of Conrad's comfort zone, as he hates all musicals, but it's been on a lot of bus posters, so here we are.  He doesn't actually own the record, although that may change if I come across a cheap copy, yet I've heard all the stuff on it.  So, have they decided to link together a series of songs with a lame story?  Is the artwork still by Richard Corben?  Did Jim Steinman have to settle a large tax bill from the IRS?

Conrad's comment

And there we shall leave it for tonight.


*  Delete that which applies.

About That Boat Race -

You Ought To Know What I'm Talking About
It's been on the news of late; the Cambridge/Oxford University Boat Race, which takes place on the River Thames.  It's hard to get more British than that, unless you watch it whilst drinking tea and eating scones with jam and cream.  Having some frightful ordnance from the Second Unpleasantness intrude on this cosy domestic scene is very unwelcome, so I am glad to see the race will take place unembarrassed by unexploded shells*. 
     Conrad is not entirely sure about this photograph - 

Hmmmm.  Not good practice

     - as the police officer in question appears to be holding an unexploded shell, probably an anti-aircraft round, and unless he's been told that it's inert, this is quite a hazardous thing to do.  Degraded explosive fillings over time, you see, break down into wildly sensitive explosive by-products.  Coughing loudly might be enough to set them off - so Conrad does not wish to see any of you repeating this.
     Having done our bit for public safety, Conrad would like to point out that the Boat Race will pass Chiswick Eyot near to the Finish line; Chiswick Eyot being one of those tidal islands around the UK that I've been going on about of late.  Because the race is run at high tide the entire island is submerged.  I think Art can be prodded into providing proof.  Art?

The boats and the Eyot

     Note those spectators on the Eyot.  Either they crossed the Thames by boat themselves, or they went across at low tide and now have to wait for the tide to go out again.
     There you go: Explosive Ordnance Disposal, geography and How To Be Extremely British in one compact article.

Sunday Brekker
If you are not familiar with English idiom, "Brekker" or "Brekkie" is a diminutive for "Breakfast".  Here we have Conrad's morning scoff, bathed in sunlight.

     The porridge, of course - of course! - is made with milk and SALT.  SALT.  NOT SUGAR!  NEVER SUGAR!  Nor honey or syrup or blueberries or pineapple.  Porridge is a savoury dish and my parents, Scottish to their core, would have buried me alive in the back garden if I'd ever been Sassenach to put <hack spit> sugar in my porridge.
     And yes, that is black tea without sugar or milk, just the way it's intended to be drunk.
     The pills?  A story for another day ...

More Doggerel Slander
Except I don't think you can slander the dead, can you?  Anyway, let us proceed with today's clerihew, what you might call clerihewing, which brings to mind an anecdote about an axe - a story for another day.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Didn't like lemons.

He did not write about them, much.

Instead he invented "Starsky and Hutch"

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

     You can't get much more American than that, can you?  Well -

Mark Twain

Was very sane.

He was such a sensible man

That he is still revered in Japan.

Mark Twain

     I shall leave it to the South Canadians amongst you to puzzle that one out, although I confess the bit about S & H is an outright lie.  Next!

More Of Greek Agricultural Vandalism
If you have been reading the blog of late - only this way will your descendants avoid being sent to the organ vats or the plutonium mines - then you will recall Victor Davis Hanson's seminal work on war and agriculture in Classical Greece.  He posits that it is far, far harder to effectively devastate crops and trees than comes across in contemporary literature, and proves this to amusing effect.
     Being a working farmer as well as an author, VDH told an amusing anecdote about chopping down a modestly-sized orange tree.

An orange tree.  Possibly .liked by Samuel Langhorne Clemens

     VDH went at it with an axe; after having to sharpen the blade three times and having to reseat the head on the handle, it took him an hour to chop down the tree.

A Massey Ferguson 165, 60 horsepower tractor

     Then came the difficult part - pulling up the stump.  He attempted this with a tractor - for over half an hour, before giving up and getting a second tractor - 

Ford 4000, 55 horsepower tractor

     - and then giving up.  He then flooded the field, waited six days and was then barely able to haul the stump up.  So the equivalent of 105 horses failed to do the job, which finally entailed a delay of six days and flooding, which again goes to prove that destroying trees in classical times was a lot easier to say than do, especially if your enemy is hovering just off-stage, waiting for the chance to turn you into a pincushion.





*  Please note the lack of any tasteless puns here.