STARSHIP INVASION BATTLE FLEETS*!

If By That Title I Tempted You Here -
 - then I'm not going to apologise.  I used that title "Context" a short while ago and barely got a hit, so the title obviously - obviously! - has to be EXCITING and EYE CATCHING with many EXCLAMATION MARKS about it, and if it can hint simultaneously at sex, death and illegal drugs then so much the better.
     Having - what's that?  "Only one exclamation mark"?  Yes.  Yes, I see your point.  
     Excuse me.


     Does that answer your quibble?  Thank you so much!  Let us now move on.  We've a lot of ground to cover and none of this blog writes itself.  Which is a good thing - your gifted author would be redundant if BOOJUM! self-scripted itself.

First Bus
As you are probably aware, Conrad has a hate-hate relationship with First Bus, except for occasions like this morning, when it's a hate-hate-HATE relationship**.
     Which makes the chat I had last night with a First Bus inspector at the 24/181/182 bus stop very illuminating.  There were 3 inspectors there, when normally there are none for months on end.  Conrad was politely inquisitive, reasoning that, were he to burst forth in incandescent rage (his default setting when discussing First Bus), the inspector might be slightly hesitant about continuing the conversation.

Conrad: the poster-child for frothing incandescent rage

     "Yes, the 24, 181 and 182 are all problem services," he revealed/admitted/confessed.
     This we know.  I use the collective "we" here as I feel I've blathered on about buses so much that you must be part of the family now.  I mentioned the magic 24 of Friday night, the one that never appeared at the central Manchester bus stop yet which we overtook five minutes later.  I went into detail on this, hoping to get the driver in as much trouble as possible.

Conrad: exhibiting all of his trademark hilarity

     "That's the driver," revealed/admitted/confessed the inspector.
     This we know.  I mean, the buses aren't sinister sentient cyborgs that self-script, are they***!
     I was further informed about how long the bus drivers can work at driving - 5 1/2 hours.  This is because their work is not monotonous as in the case of a coach or artic driver, as bus driver's have intermittent driving, and also interact with the public.
     The frequently ANGRY public ...

The Who: in so many ways ahead of their time

     "Just Cause 3"
Conrad didn't recognise this bus poster as a film or television title, so he reasoned, with that trademark logic of his, that it had to be a computer game.
     Correct!
     "Set the world on fire" crowed the tagline, which is worrying in a society where both petrol and matches are easily bought.
     Concerns about arson and pyromaniacs aside, Conrad is more bothered about the moral and philosophical implications of that title.  "Just Cause 3".  You might get away with pleading that your cause is just the first time.  Trying it for a second time is stretching the bounds of credibility.  Making a third attempt at justification is, candidly, taking credibility, putting it in a dustbin and rolling it downhill off the cliff edge.
     If it comes to that - what exactly is the cause?

A whole lot of caws.

Ash Vs. Evil Dead
Striking a balance between comedy and horror isn't easy.  You will remember my recent review of "The Cat and the Canary", which pulls it off.  Possibly one of the better exponents is "An American Werewolf In London".  So, it can be done well.

Kelly: Do you smell something burning?
Ash:  Yeah, baby - ME!
Kelly: Your pick-up lines suck
Ash (huffily): I was referring to my name "Ash" as a pun.

     AVED is a case in point.  The fact that it's only 30 minutes long doesn't harm it, either.       It is NOT, however, family-friendly.  Unless your family behave like one from "28 Days Later".  Violence, gore galore plus Big Swears and there might have been the odd rude scene in the background of Ash's - er - trip.  Gore, swearing and drugs, too - it ticks all the Tut Factor boxes.

TOO MANY WORDS!  NEED MORE PICTURES!
Well here's one from a year ago:

"I'm a criminal.  I must be  - I've got a bounty on my head."

You What?
Ah, once again the Foobs take aim and shoot themselves in both feet, and the left hand, too.  Take a look at this:

The right hand side.

     Look at that question.  Do I have a piece of fine art?  That's not looking it's best? 
     Well, do I?
     NO! NO I DO NOT! NOR DID I EVER!NOR WILL I EVER!
     Pah!

Conrad's Exciting Tee-Shirt
As you surely know by now, Conrad has the fashion sense of a kippered walnut, and would be perfectly happy if all he had to wear were impeccably-tailored potato sacks.  Thus the attention directed to his tee shirt today was - un-nerving.

     Having Mo, and Rick, and Russ, and Lisa all staring at that design rather than paying attention to my query was a bother, I can tell you.  I'd never make it if I were famous^.

Conrad.  He Who Has All The Pens
"Rob - (my Sunday best name and what humans generally know me by) - " enquired Stephen.  "Why have you got so many pens?  You've got a million already."
     "Some might run out.  And now I have TWO MILLION!" I boasted.

Also, there are no Pen Police.
(Yet)

     Actually toting 30 into work is a bit of overkill, so I shall probably cut back to 20 tomorrow.  I apologise if this sounds rather dull, but you have to make your own entertainment in an office environment.  And, yes, that is a bottle of ice in the upper right.


* Caution: Blog title may have nothing to do with actual content.
** The 24 never appeared. The 182 never appeared. When the 181 did appear, it was late, then slow, overcrowded and marooned in traffic.
*** Are they?
^  Infamous, now that's another matter.

"7 Weirdest Movies Ever!"

That'll Teach Me
Yes, I surrendered to the clickbait title and went a-looking at "Answers" and the link above, which demonstrates how Conrad's curiosity can overcome his caution.  If you're not familiar with "Answers", congratulations.  It takes three webpages to mention a single article, the content being in a tiny box mid-screen whilst all around adverts and film clips load up.  Frequently the photograph used in the link isn't used in the article.
     Anyway, let me list these supposedly weird films, so that you don't have to go and suffer the question of Answers.

I like this devil - dog?  cat?  marmoset?

     1)  "Hausu".  Japanese.  Description makes it sound bland and uninteresting, like underdone bread.  Not going to watch.
     2)  "El Topo".  Already aware of this, one of Jodorowsky's.  Seems interesting.  May watch.

Bat-poop crazy

     3)  "Un Chien Andalou".  The one that begins with slicing an eyeball open.  Sounds pretentious.  Also black and white.  Not Conrad's cup of tea.
     4)  "The Hourglass Sanitorium".  Never heard of it.  Sounds like a pet film of the author.  Not going to watch.
     5)  "Rubber".  Now this actually sounds interesting - a telepathic killer car tyre and its rampage of death and destruction.  Will probably watch.
     6)  "Freaks".  Tod Browning's legendary 1936 film.  Banned for an age.  A bit of a downer, in Conrad's opinion.  Also another in black and white.  Not going to watch.

Much more my cup of tea

       7)  "Boxing Helena".  What can you do with a limbless woman shut in a box?  In cinematic terms, thanks.  Not going to watch.

Conrad's Noms For Weird Films
Caution!  Some of these might make your brain hurt and your eyes bleed.
     1)  Anything by Jan Svankmajer.  This guy is Czech and looks like Jeremy Corbyn's dad. His films are usually 3D animations, and are both funny and scary at the same time, like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

Jan.
I'm not wrong about the Corbyn bit, am I?

     2) "Being John Malkovitch" in which an unemployed puppeteer discovers a doorway that leads into John's mind, allowing him to be controlled until his mind spits out the interloper, and how the puppeteer builds a career on this.
     3)  "Zabriskie Point" which is a kind of paean to the end of the Hippy era.  A possible murder, Rod Taylor, carnality in the dust and lots of things randomly exploding.

Blowing up books?  This is APPALLING!
And random.

     4)  "The Thirteenth Floor" SPOILER! in which the apparently sentient people living in a 30's-set world are actually part of a virtual reality world, being run and monitored from the real world, except the real world, it turns out, is another virtual reality.  The battle between actuality and virtuality*.
     5)  "Tomorrow I'll Be Scalding Myself With Tea" which is a Czech science-fiction comedy from the Seventies, about time-travel and twin brothers and ancient Nazis.  Rather black humour in places, but funny for all that.

Which is the Nazi stooge?  Only you can tell!

     6)   "Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend" which is definitely an 18, being Japanese and rather pervy at points.  It concerns the Overfiend - you might have guessed that - appearing in our world and destroying it, with a bunch of sex and violence along the way.  I think.  It's been a while.

Nothing to do with "Urotsukidoji"
You may have guessed this already.

     7)  I can't remember the name of this one!  Hang on <Googles> "Rarg"  A cartoon short, the inhabitants of the world of Rarg discover that they are in fact simply the products of a man's dream.  They therefore create a portal into the real world, abduct him and bring him back to Rarg, where he will never wake up.  The battle between actuality and virtuality*.  Except that he dreams of flamingos and everyone turns into a flamingo.  Good job it wasn't a nightmare about slugs, eh?

Well.  That's probably boosted the word count a bit.  I do apologise, I really didn't mean to babble on quite so much.  Quick, nurse, a picture!

Ah.  Not A Tiger
I had my mind set on a pun elaborated with a bottle of Tiger beer, except when I got home I'd bought this stuff - 

     So, naturally we have to pair this with:

     - hang on - that's no hen - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  IT'S CLARISSA THE CANNIBAL COMBAT CHICKEN!

"What's That?" Asked Tom
 - because your gifted author** had produced his latest copy of "The Journal", viz:

     - at the dining table during lunch.  I displayed the front cover and informed that I was a member, and that Pete Jones is the current (emergency!) editor, doing a splendid job too.  Tom asked a few of the usual questions about rules; Javed opined that he preferred computer games.
     Conrad pointed out that computer games steal your life away before you know it, whereas with a wargame you have actual, concrete items to hold in your hot sweaty paws.  The battle between actuality and virtuality*.

"Black Knights" By Oliver Poole
We have reached the point where the American invasion of Iraq is proving to be a completely one-sided affair, with a loss ratio so disproportionate that Max Hastings*** made a comment comparing the combat with that of 14th Century knights in armour, chopping down the peasantry.
     Well, Max!  I have just three words for you: Crecy, Poitiers and Agincourt.
     NO!  I''m not going to do your homework for you.
     Oh alright apparently I am:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Cr%C3%A9cy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Poitiers
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Agincourt

Close enough

     And there we have gone well over the word limit.  When I had so much more to offer!  There was the Livens Projector, and Just Cause, and Ian leaving, and -


Maybe tomorrow.


* If I throw this in often enough, it may become funny.
** If I don't flatter me like this, nobody else will.
*** Who is a hack, frankly.