Oh The Woes, The Woes -

Of Hydroxyethylcellulose
Actually as I'm making this up on the go let me check on what Hydroxyethylcellulose actually is -
 - and I'm back again.  It's a thickening agent used in cosmetic products, is the central ingredient in KY Jelly, and helps to make soap bubbles bigger.
     "He's lost it, and he never had that much of it to begin with," I can hear you say yes THANK YOU so much!  "What is be babbling about now?"
     Because of this, you feebs:

See?  Hydroxyethylcellulose, amongst others.

     I got a new tin of shaving gel yesterday, and - as you surely know by now - Conrad is one of those people who will read the Ingredients list, and note down any interesting-sounding chemicals or exotic herbs that happen to be included.
     So.  There aren't actually any woes associated with Hydroxyethylcellulose.
     Well, we are at least one fact better off today than we were yesterday: hydroxyethylcellulose - safe for your skin.

"Z Nation" Rumination
I am currently watching last week's episode of this SyFy original series, which, as I have remarked before, does not take itself too seriously.  This episode, however, has Conrad gritting his teeth in annoyance, and shouting insults at the screen*.  

"I was in "Die Hard", you know.  I can shoot."

     Why is this?  Because the survivors aboard the road train above are unable to shoot.  They think that waggling a gun at hip level and firing at the landscape whilst standing bolt upright without taking cover is the way to go.
     I don't know how many started at the beginning of this episode, but I guarantee none will survive to the end.  Darwin Award Winners every one.

Z Nation Survivors shooting card.

"Engines Of War" By Christian Wolmar
Yes, I did go on about this and Russian missile trains in today's earlier post, but may I gently remind you whose blog this is?
     If you don't like it the exit door IS THAT WAY**!
     Anyway, young Christian admitted in his introduction that he's utterly unfamiliar with military terms, conventions, history and which end the bullet comes out of.  He proves this by limiting his descriptions of rail-mounted artillery to a passing mention of Dora, Oh Art? -

NO! Get it right Art before I get the Tazer -

 - I refer of course to the Schwerer Dora, one of the largest guns ever built.  Art!

Technically, a B.F.G.
("Big Flipping Gun")

     This monster had a crew of hundreds, required a week to set up and needed it's own special railway track.  Originally designed to destroy the Maginot Line, it was instead used at the siege of Sevastopol.
     Anyway, Chris missed a trick.  There were numerous railway mounted artillery pieces, mostly used in the First Unpleasantness.  They tended to be guns taken from battleships, meaning they were so big they could only be mounted on a customised railway carriage.

This is the weedy British 14" "Sceneshifter"

     I could bang*** on about this subject for hours, but mercifully for you Doctor Who is on soon, so I shall leave you with -

The far more impressive British 18" "Bochebuster"

Nutrition The BOOJUM! Way
Once again I recommend that you treat any dietary advice from Conrad with extreme caution.  Not for nothing did Francine at my last place of work state that, after I died, my body should be gifted to science to find out why I could eat anything short of nuclear fuel rods and suffer no ill consequences^.
     Anyway, let us look at what the bright young things of the 21st Century should be eating or avoiding:

BARLEY:  An unequivocal Yes!  A prime ingredient to thicken up soups, or making lemon barley water, which tastes like water flavoured with lemon and barley.

CHARLIE: Generally, no, unless you happen to be in the Russian army and desperate for anything - ANYTHING - with an alcoholic content.

I-CARLY: If you refer to the cast, NO!  Cannibalism is not acceptable. If you refer to the television series, you're going to need strong teeth and stomach to consume DVDs.

MALI: Once again, you may find this large, barren African country hard to consume in one sitting and liable to be hard to digest.  Drink lots of water.

MALAWI: As with Mali, on a smaller scale.  Less water needed as it borders the lake.

BALI: Far more realistic in that it is much smaller than the aforementioned.  Also, with more greenery, easier to swallow and digest

HARLEY: Good for iron and trace mineral elements.  Tyres probably indigestible.

DIWALI: Unequivocal NO!  As this is a celebration it is thus notional not physical.  Although as a consequence it would have zero calories and be good for dieters.

FARLEY: Another unequivocal Yes!




NO!  Chris Farley is not acceptable on the dinner plate.  Rusks, yes, Chris - NO!
     Honestly, how difficult is it to get across that CANNIBALISM IS WRONG!

Oh, Art, always trying to prove me wrong.
Where's that Tazer?

* One reason the family are grateful I don't watch a lot of television.
** Stage left, fifty metres, Yale lock.
*** Do you see what - O you do
^ Obiously only live nuclear fuel rods!  Depleted ones no problem, if there's chilli sauce.

Day Three Of Sobriety

I Don't Care If It Bores You!
If Conrad has to undergo a sober month, then you the audience can most certainly go cold turkey suffer experience it alongside him, and feel vicariously noble and abstemious. 
     Actually there's not a lot to report.  After blogging last night I perused the latest Naval And Military Press catalogue, noting which books I already had - a record high for this issue - and which ones I might care to order.  "The Sieges of Alexander the Great" appeals, especially as I may have already read it. If I recall, one of the trickiest of his siege operations was against the Phoenician city of Tyre, which sat, fortified, off what is now the Lebanese coast.  It took a long, complicated operation to reduce the city, but Alexander did it; that lad would carry on the bitter end once he'd started.
     Oh, a quick Wik reveals Conrad's memory is not defective:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Tyre_(332_BC)

Limned in Orange - already got
Limned in Green  -  about to get

     Warfare in the ancient world.  Fascinating stuff.  Conrad also wonders how these armies coped in the heat of the central Mediterranean.  Consider, if the siege lasted seven months in the year 332, at the earliest it would have started in January, at the latest in May.  Either way they would have been fighting in the summer, wearing armour and carrying weapons.  Conrad, in more northern climes during summer, has been immobilised by the heat wearing nothing more than swimming trunks and suncream.
     One to ponder on, eh?

I think this is a Ron Embleton artwork - Alexander directing the siege

"Bivouac"
I've been trying to include this definition for a week and not had time to add it in, so busy am I with my dense social scheduling commitments*, that and plotting to take over the world.  Oh, and some baking, too.
     Anyway, "Bivouac".  It means "Encampment", as you well-read lot probably already knew.  Where does it come from?  Unusually for the words that BOOJUM! selects, neither Latin nor Greek.  Rather, Old German - "Beiwacht", which translates as "Citizens on Patrol"**, which was then adopted and adapted in Old French as "Bivac", thence to "Bivouac".

Bivouac on Rockall.
World's least busy hotel.

Conrad - Travelling Light
Normally I travel to work with the case as illustrated left below.  This is not only large, it is extremely robust, having been built to shelter a laptop, and it has a steel wire frame.  Were you to encounter both it and Conrad, you would come to a definite stop***.

Hard left, soft right.
Hey, I made a Jeremy-joke!

     So, to accommodate the crowds of shoppers in Manchester, I used the bag on the right, which is smaller and much squishier.
     There you go - Conrad, the considerate apprentice dictator.

"Engines of War" By Christian Wolmar
Christian begins this interesting logistical appreciation of railways in war during the Crimean War, where the British, French, Turks and Sardinians came together to give the Russians a good tatering.  The work then takes in the American Civil War, the Boer War, colonial war in the Sudan, the Franco-Prussian War, the First World War, the Russian Civil War, the Second World War, the Korean War and the Cold War.

A Transporter-Erector-Launcher.
Sigmund Freud eat your heart out ...

     One gloss that Conrad was already aware of was the use of mobile missile trains on the railways in America - an experimental programme scrapped by JFK when he came to power as being far too expensive.  I hadn't realised that the Russians - still smarting after the Crimea War no doubt - also had mobile missile trains.  They kept theirs going until the Eighties when they were scrapped, once again on grounds of expense.

"Conrad, you wag!  We have the Crimea back again!"
"So I won't take offence.  This time."

     Let us once again return to Russia, and the Civil War.  During this period there came about the Czech Legion, whom I am not going to explain as the Russian Civil War is one of the most complicated bits of history ever, herein a link instead:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Czechoslovak_Legion

     Conrad came across a photo in the book which is quite famous:

Scads of Maxims - but what is that lower right?

     This is the Czech Legion in one of their armoured trains, smashing all Bolshevik resistance before them as they ploughed eastwards to Vladivostok, from where they sailed back to Europe and home.  Quite an epic, and worthy of a film, eh Mister Speilberg? 
     Now, you can see all those big water-cooled Maxim machine guns, yet that one in the lower corner is a Colt 1895 "Potato-digger", an American gun that was the first air-cooled machine gun.  Not altogether successful, and Conrad wondered what an American gun was doing on a train in Russia manned by Czechs.
     Explanation simple - the Russians bought 10,000 of them.

Oh my.  Well over the limit and nowhere near the end of my notes.  Count on a second post later tonight.  I know you can hardly wait!



* Which is not a lie, this week.
** First one to mention "Police Academy" will be SHOT!
*** With bruising
     

I Have Not Ate at Six Past Eight

You See?  You see?  The Sacrifices I Make?
To get this blog to you in a timely fashion?
     Actually the truth is rather less dramatic than starving for art, as you know what a self-promoting swill-spouting whale of woe Conrad is*.  In truth this afternoon I've been dining on jam doughnuts, crisps, tortillas, squashy bananas, toffee popcorn, jelly babies and pints of generic cola.  Not to mention the pint of coffee made up with several teaspoons of honey.  So!  After the sugar rush wore off, I've not been that hungry as all the above came after lunch.


The Irony Of OctSober
I should say, Ian La Frenais**!
     Yesday was the first day of dipping one's large, mis-shapen toe into the waters of sobriety for a whole month, and I didn't yield to temptation at the Halfway House during the pub quiz, instead settling for delicious limeade.
     I did win a bottle of red wine, however, which is going to have to sit for a month unopened in the cupboard, alongside the bottle of white wine.

Conrad, horribly drunk.  Or completely sober.
(Yes, it is hard to tell the difference)

     If you call me posting last night, I wondered what obscure historical question would come up at the quiz, and we were not disappointed.  "Name the English admiral in charge of the British fleet that defeated the Comte de Grasse, in the battle that took place at the Saintes".
     Quite!  Naval matters not a speciality of Conrad.  I guessed that Nelson would be too young, and went for Admiral Hood.  The answer given was actually Admiral Sir George Rodney - but a quick Wiki reveals that Sir Samuel Hood was prominent in the action, too.  So - Conrad morally correct, eh?

You What?
I don't mind harping on a theme, even if you object, because - whose blog is it?  Anyway, more of wine.  The Twits have been especially inept today, as you can see:

NO!  NO YOU CANNOT!

      Conrad has practically no palate and so tends to avoid wine.  It gets used in cooking - goulash soup particularly - and that's about it.  My favoured tipple, as you ought to know, is Old Golden Hen, which is a continent away from wine.

More Screenshots
I do apologise, I thought I'd saved a rather peculiar Tweet from the University of East Anglia, but there's only a big black square when I look at my saved screenshots.
     Well, instead I can post some artwork by Brian Michael Bendis.  I've mentioned him on occasion before, he writes the "Powers" comics and also "The United States of Murder", which I may be acquiring tomorrow.  BMB started off as an artist and caricaturist - enough words, have a look at these:

Small, perhaps, yet sufficient

     And another:

These are about Chewbacca.  You may have guessed that already.

     Award-winning writer and talented artist, too.  He probably can't bake for toffee, though, I console myself.

"The B.F.G." By Roald Dahl
I haven't read the book, I confess, although I've seen the film several times.  Whilst in the shower thinking up a skit based on the author's name, I stopped to ponder a bit.  Only a bit, unlike pondering at the bus-stop if you over-ponder in a shower the hot water runs out.
     "Where?" I pondered, "Are all the female giants***?" There's a whole flock of child-devouring flesh-eating male monsters, of whom the BFG is the honourable exception, but nary a female do we see.
     Now, given that this film has to be SFW, and that the male giants are given to a casual attitude when it comes to clothing - Art?

BFG vs. BUG

     - perhaps the idea that acres of rollicking female anatomy would get a 13 Certificate at the least meant that they were a non-starter.
     Or!  Perhaps Dahl was inspired by the tale of the Entwives in "Lord of the Rings", another race of giant females who have vanished from the world.
     Of course, I could be overthinking this a bit ...

Winter Plumage
This morning I had occasion to use my birthday present from Darling Daughter.   This is because, whilst the October days may be warm and sunny^, there is a definite nip in the air of a morning.
     Let the proof be provided!

Old, fat and jowly.
Looking rather scowly.

     The present, as you can see, was a scarf, and very warmly welcome it was, too.

Finally -
I don't think the "Darwin Award Winners" website is still going, which is a shame.  It recorded the variously successful or unsuccessful attempts by idiots to remove themselves from the gene pool by stupid behaviour.  Allow me to show you what I mean -

     Fortunately there doesn't appear to have been any serious consequence from this muppet's actions.  The old unexploded ordnance of the First Unpleasantness is still being dug out of the soil of France and Belgium to the tune of hundreds of tons per year.  The shells might be completely corroded and inert, but then again they may not, and the decay salts created from explosives over time can render them liable to explode if breathed upon, the explosive fuse as well as the main body of the shell.  Then, too, they may have had a payload of poison gas, or thermite.
     Conrad he say: DO NOT TOUCH!

A Stokes Mortar bomb.
Ten pounds of nasty waiting to happen!

* Of course, if you want to dispute this any time, please feel free.  Actually I do like that description: "A self-promoting swill-spouting whale of woe".  I may reuse that.
** Co-creator of "The Likely Lads"
*** Or is it "giantesses"?
^ Curses!

Mourn, Ganterpies, Mourn!

Let Me Explain That -
"Ganterpies" is one of those words that Conrad has made out of whole cloth, to describe both the behaviour and appearance of the cake-craving colleagues at work.  It's not especially flattering, so I hope none of them are reading this ...
     "Gan" is derived from "Gannet", a seabird of notoriously greedy habits.  "Ter" comes from "Termagant", another name for a bit a lot of a nag.  "Pies" refers not to the baked product with a filling, but is the last part of "Harpies", legendarily malicious femmes from Greek mythology.

A Harpy.  Bizarre, eh?
(A SFW version is hard to find)

     Having thus rendered myself liable to a bit of crit tomorrow morning, I shall reveal why the ganterpies might be in a funereal mood on Friday: I'm not baking anything tonight.
     This is because I have the Pub Quiz at 9:00, I've only just started the blog at 7:30 and it'll take a good 60 minutes to write, illustrate, post and promote it, leaving only 30 minutes, which is insufficient time to bake anything.  Getting home late after the bus didn't turn up was another factor, So!  Ganterpies, blame First Bus as much as anyone else.

Harper, Bazaar.  Quite SFW

19 Hours Into Octsober And All Is Well
We'll see how this pans out in about an hour and a half, as Conrad delicately sips a delicious pint of limeade in the Halfway House.

Conrad, the sober-sided smug-faced git.
Also, pens.

     I do have a fondness for pop, and can down pints of the stuff no problem, so I anticipate going to the bathroom just as often.  Tea I cannot drink late at night as it leads to weird sonic hallucinations whilst trying to go to sleep; might try that tomorrow night as I can have a lie-in on Saturday morning.

The Great British Bake Off!  Week 9
More of baking and time management, eh?  Those who are left: Tamal (poor time-management skills), Ian over-precise), Flora (over-elaborate) and Nadiya (poor at Technicals).  Tonight* the theme was "Chocolate".  Now, we are in the semi-finals and that means what they present has to look brilliant.  Not just good, brilliant.
     NO pressure then!  Conrad's not baked stuff like this as i) He's not big on chocolate and ii) Souffles are treacherously difficult things

Nadiya in her default setting: Stressed

     Signature:  A Chocolate Tart, in 2 1/2 hours.  The pastry had to be flavoured with cocoa powder, which means care taken in binding it as the cocoa makes the end product brittle.  And Paul emphasises again that these tarts have to be Near Perfect.
     I see Ian is using more of his Dog Buns! homegrown herbs, although what herb you'd put in a chocolate tart is beyond me.  Nadiya is making her own peanut butter, bless her.
     Tamal got a "Well Done" and a handshake, a rare distinction.  Ian apparently "missed a trick", although his tart cut well.  Flora got a faintly-critical "Good", but Nadiya got a "Fantastic"**.

Sue Perkins biting her smutty tongue

     Technical: A chocolate souffle, of all things.  Mary Berry sadistically chose this because it's very hard to do well.  The bakers had only 75 minutes to manage their souffle, and we the audience were told that the consistency of the creme pat was crucial - undermixed, it would leave little spots of meringue; overmixed, it wouldn't rise.
     In order of worst first: Nadiya (meringue-spotted!), Ian, Tamal, Flora.
     Showstopper: A 3D Chocolate Centrepiece, done in 4 hours, using white chocolate and biscuit, with tempered chocolate.  What chocolate?  Glossy, shiny, reflective chocolate.
     Tamal's Bell Tower looked okay at a distance but was clumsily put-together close up.  Ian's Well was a working design but lacked decoration.  Flora's Cocoa Carousel was a bit Meh.  Nadiya's Peacock, however, delighted both judges in terms of taste and style.
     I should confess that I sat eating Twinkie bars whilst GBBO was on, which Wonder Wifey citrically called "ironic", and I can only agree.  Whilst still eating Twinkies.





SPOILER WARNING!

Ian's well.
 - and here's his centrepiece***!

REALLY, SPOILERS!



Okay, you probably guessed this already, Star Baker was Nadiya.  Going Home?  Flora.

Floor.  Close enough.

Pub Quiz Questions
Only Phil and I tonight, so we will do rubbish in the Music round.  I am lucky if I get one right.  However, I did get correct "Which Fifth century battle stopped for good the westward invasion of Atilla the Hun"?
     Chalons-sur-Marne!
     Last week I got: "Name the sea bounded by the Eastern Russian seaboard, Japan and the Kurile Islands"
     The Sea of Okhotsk!
     NO! You slanderous swine, I did not Google the answer.  It features a little in "The Kraken Wakes", that John Wyndham novel I deconstructed for a screenplay.
     We'll see what wilfully obscure questions come up tonight.

O Noes!
I've just seen off "From The Earth To The Moon" and then happened to notice that "Daredevil" and "The Flash" are both scoring consistently high on IMDB.
     Damn it!  Another potential drain on my time.  Don't these programme makers realise I need to have a social life?

Matt Murdoch.  For a lawyer, he looks a bit of a scruff.

Well Well -
Well over the word limit and I've only been typing for 30 minutes.  Of course now I have to go back and put pictures in, which takes a while, especially if you get side-tracked thanks to your curiosity and

The Trifid Nebula.  Not quite "Triffid" but nearly.
Triffid?  John Wyndham?  Do keep up!

* I know it was last night but that's what poetic licence is for.
** No, I didn't pun it with mention of a "flan".  I could have.  I chose not to.
*** Do you see what - O you do.