I've Gone To Pieces

Literally!
Let me elaborate:

Thanks to Anna for the photograph

      I amuse myself so much at times that I risk a hernia.
      Note that you still can't tell who I work for.  Also note, at centre left, the bottle of ice now full of cloudy lemonade.

Barley Kernels
The cafe at work sports various wall decorations and designs from products and adverts that go back over a century, illustrating our company's past.  One caught my eye yesterday, but I couldn't post it since there was no possible link, however tenuous, with Astronomy.
     "Barley Kernels", it stated, "Make a delicious creamy pudding".
     What are Barley Kernels?  

No! He's barely a colonel.

     I know, I know, I can tell what you're thinking, but if they were called "Gymkhanas" it wouldn't fit on the - Oh!  Sorry, you were wondering about Pearl Barley?
     Sounds like a black chanteuse with a backing band of brilliantined balladeers - but it's actually barley that's not only had the outer husk removed, it's been polished as well.
     No!  Not sent to Gdansk for a week - given a buffing to bring out the shine.
     Thus, Conrad suspects, Barley Kernels are the dull, glamourless cousins of the pampered pearl variety, although still basically the same.  He might dig out a recipe to see what comes of them.
     And we here in the UK can stand proud; we are 8th in the world rankings of barley-producing countries, ahead of Argentina AND the South Canadians!

Pearl Barley and her Kernels. No, hang on a minute -

More Maltreatment Of The Litter-Tray Liner*
Dear me yes indeed.  Apparently there is a programme currently running on television called "I Am A Nobody Celebrity Girning For Money Get Me Out Of Obscurity Here".  The Metro has decided to feature this in it's inner pages in the usual desperate scramble to fill in the bits not made up of adverts.
     I give you:

Who?

     Who is she?  No idea!  Not interested! Go away - very far away - Mars would do.  The Moon?  Okay, that I can compromise with.

Breaking News!  Tramp Vest Insulation Redeems Itself!**
Just as a stopped clock is right twice a day, or only once if it's a digital using the twenty-four hour system, or not at all if the batteries are dead or either or both of the hands have fallen off***

     - just so the Metro will occasionally get it right.  They gave The National a good review, and <thinks hard> had an interview with Chris Pine.  Today they interviewed Bill Murray, who was predictably droll.  Bill?  

Your fill of Bill

     Bill was not positive to the idea of a Ghostbusters 3, and unless Dan Ackroyd can bring Harold Ramis back from the dead, Ghostbusters 2 is as far as the franchise goes^.

G.O.O.H.W.Y.D.
I still haven't figured out what this puzzling acronym refers to.  Hardly an item for the blog, I admit.  But it is mysterious.  Is it the title of a film? A novel? A song? None of the above?  
     It was written over a page of longhand about Eden Underwood - that deceptively tranquil village in East Sussex - so it might be to do with that bucolic hamlet.  Or, since there is a note in the margin "KKFOS", which means "Killer Klowns From Outer Space", it might be -
     - oh what's the use!  Given the meanderings of my mental make-up it could be anything.

Female Kazakh soldiers on parade.
Yes, just as random.

Doctor Who Monster
If the Metro can use IACGMOOH on a daily basis to fill column inches, Conrad is so going to work at his Doctor Who advent calendar.
     In reply to your question, Dave, no - Day 24 is no bigger than any other door.
     "Enough!" I hear you cry.  "Enough wibble, Conrad - tell us what the monster was!"
     Okay.  But you'll be sorry.

     It was one of the Weeping Angels, from the episode "Blink".  Now, these really are scary monsters, genuine originals that once again play on the fear of the inanimate coming 
to life.  Perhaps inspired by "Invisible Boy" from "Mystery Men", who could only become invisible if not being watched, these creatures can only become animate when you're not looking at them^^ -

Ankylosaurus
Of course you will have recognised that this is a species of dinosaur, hence we are getting educated in Greek today, not Latin.
     "Ankylosaurus" means "Fused Lizard" and refers to the remarkable protrusions and fusing of bones that this beast displayed.  It was also like a 90's raver - rather clubby.

Also a bit of a swinger.

     For all it's ferocious appearance, Ankylosaurus was a herbivore.  Given that it resembled a cross between a trebuchet and a tank, it's flesh must have been extra-specially delicious.  But of course we'll never know.

Exit, Pursued By A Bare
A bare foot, that is.  Conrad went to the bathroom in the early morning darkness and returned to the bedroom, only to find that Jenny the cat had managed to sneak in as well.  She loved it.  She purred non-stop, did her claw-thing on the quilt, came up and poked her nose in my face - I was too warm and comfortable to get up and chuck her out.
     Then she did her disgusting showstopper - licking my bare feet whilst I was getting dressed.  Bare feet have an irresistible attraction for Jenny, the slobbering perv.

Of course, this means less cleaning to do in the shower ...

* The Metro.  Do keep up!
** Only a bit.  Let's not get carried away here.
*** Mister Hand approaches, bamboo skewer held high -
^ Although I bet some loathsome Hollywood suit is even now pimping a remake to the studios.
^^You don't think I'm over-analysing them, do you?

Astronomy. BOOJUM! Style

Which Is To Say -
1)  Devoid of logic, reason or common sense
2)  Nothing to do with the title
3)  Full of bad puns.
     For the rest of the Intro, may I introduce you to the next Doctor Who villain out of my advent calendar?

     It's a soft plastic Cyberman, a bit blobby and shapeless (shades of yesterday's Rutan?) but - it's still a Cyberman!

Let Us Begin - With The Milky Way Galaxy
Anyone who read yesterday's blog can probably see this coming from three football pitches away.  Let us proceed anyway:

Nothing to do with astronomy, and bad puns, yet - there is a certain twisted logic to it.

Astronomy
This is the final track on Blue Oyster* Cult's magisterial 1973 album "Secret Treaties", and a right stormer it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xXEtO3bEe0
There's a Youtube link - you might want to mute the first 12 seconds of an advert about something - no idea what, wasn't paying attention, tough luck advertiser and product!
     You can also see the front cover of the album, featuring an Me262, which got the band into a bit of bother at the time; however, please note no swastikas - only the BOC logo, which has connections to Kronos, I believe, and one of the Titans, again IIRC.

Astronomy Domine
A track by Pink Floyd.  No, not this Pink Floyd, that Pink Floyd!  The Syd Barrett version of the band, this is an instrumental that allows that madcap genius full reign on guitar hooks and swirls.  Anothter Youtube link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJh9OLlXenM
There should be an acute accent over the "e" but alas, Blogger lacks the font chops to manage it.

Venus And Mars
Sticking with the music theme**, this is the title track from the eponymous album*** by Paul McCartney and Wings.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc1Ygaz2v1g
That's a link to the whole album.  No, no, don't thank me.  Just part of BOOJUM!s remit to educate, inform and spifflicate.

Stars
Well - given that the picture is from the Otrem^^, this is probably a collection of Z-list has beens who were slightly famous in the Eighties.

Stars
Yes, plural.  The Daily Star, which is like The Metro, but with more added topless women and lower journalistic standards than The Sun^^^.


The Sun
This is rather like The Metro, but with added topless women.
     And no, you're not going to get any pictures of them, you seedy rapscallion rogues!

Look!  Look at this repellent rag! just turn to - no, wait a minute, hang on -

A Meteor

A couple of Meteors in flight

     Synchronicity!  I mentioned the Me262 above.  This is the British Gloster Meteor jet fighter, which went into action late in 1944, the direct counterpart of the German jet.  Much to the disgruntlement of the British Meteor pilots, they never got to fight with the Me262.

The Pole Star
Pretty much.  How many famous Poles do you know?  I can offer Jan Sobieski.  General Wladyslaw Anders.  Lech Walensa.  The Pope.
     Pah! <makes expressive sweeping gesture with arms, hits overhead light, cowers a bit>  I give you - Marie Curie!
     Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking - if they called them "bussers" then the sportswear industry would have a hard jobs sell - Oh!  Sorry, you want to know who Marie was?
     A Polish scientist, Vulnavia.  
     She won the Nobel Prize.  Twice.  
     That word "radioactivity"?  She created it.
     Professor at the University of Paris?  Check.  First woman professor there ever.
     First politically-named element?  Yup.  "Polonium".  Named by - Marie Curie.

When you appear on a 20,000 zloty note, you've made it in Poland

     Indisputably a star.  And a Pole.

"More Stars Than There Are In Heaven"
This is an MGM boast during the headiest days of the studio system.  Let Conrad illustrate:

Lies!

     Lies, I tell you!
     There are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way alone.  How many stars did MGM have under contract?  A hundred?  A thousand?  A million? The entire population of Planet Earth?  Pah!  <is careful not to wave arms around, merely does jazz hands> get out of here MGM!  100 billion is for this galaxy alone.

Here endeth tonight's lesson.  Well, okay, not so much a lesson as a sustained rant.


* There ought to be an umlaut here, so please use your imagination.
** Ha ha.  I kill myself^.
***<"Eponymous" - the same name as.  Pseuds use this a lot> - yes, thank you Mister Hand!
^ Not literally, or you wouldn't be reading this.  A minor point but an important one, I feel.
^^ Backwards.  Like the staff.  Cruel, yes, but accurate, I'm afraid.
^^^ Yes, this is possible.  It takes a lot of work to get below the bottom of the barrel, but these boys manage it.

Guardians Of The Galaxy

Literally
As you surely know by now, Conrad is ever one for hilarious* puns and has lately been baiting possible viewers with highly amusing spoofs of football team names.  Yes, I knew all along what I was posting.  Sorry if this breaks your impression of me into a thousand shattered fragments.  You'll get over it.
     Anyway, in reference to that splendidly fun film "Guardians of the Galaxy", Take This:

Rob and Dan
Thanks, Dan.  He did it with no questions asked.

     I think you'll agree, we are indeed guardians of the Galaxy.

I'm So Excited!
Today being the First of December, I get to open my Doctor Who advent calendar!
     I sincerely hope you like Doctor Who and advent calendars, because this is going to be a regular feature for the next 23 days.
     And for the first day:

A blue Dalek

     A little blue Dalek, which looked like it opened up, so Conrad explored with a knife and - er - it wasn't supposed to open up and there's a bit missing now.

More Metro Malleting
You obviously - obviously! - realise that I mean the local chip-shop wrapper, not the Paris underground rail system or Manchester's tram service.
     I had a look at today's edition and came to the conclusion that it was 68 pages of ... well, nothing.

"Yes, sir, you are ideally-placed to work for The Metro"

     Here an aside.  This edition came with a special protective wrapper, emblazoned with an article known as "Take That".  Only three of them?  Didn't there used to be more?**
     Take That?  "Take This!" chortled Conrad as he threw it in the bin.

Is There Life On Mars?
The answer to this is not David Bowie.  It might be "yes" if you consider the following photo to be evidence enough:

Pure Life on a Mars.  Not quite the same thing.

     Conrad raises the issue because the Daily Mail***, in a fit of journalism that lives down to the bottom-feeding standards of the Daily Sport and the National Enquirer, gives column inches to the following:

'I saw men walking on Mars in 1979': 'Former Nasa employee' claims there was a secret manned mission to the red planet

• Woman, named 'Jackie', called in to US radio station, Coast to Coast AM

     Since she only identifies herself as Jackie, it's impossible to know if she worked for NASA or actually hid in a basement wearing a tinfoil hat in 1979.  A further problem is that she claims these images were television ones sent by Viking.  Which couldn't transmit television images.  To compound this, "Coast to Coast" is a paranoid gagwaffle station that broadcasts exclusively to swivel-eyed loons; you the UK public won't know it, but Conrad does because he's well-informed about wierdies.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2852829/Was-secret-manned-mission-Mars-1979-Former-Nasa-employee-claims-saw-suited-men-running-red-planet.html

     There's the link.  Oh, one other weakness about the story - why wait 35 years before telling it?

Perhaps - she saw these and was confused?

Steam Pinnace
No!  Not a brand of iron.  Actually a small boat, the term being used in an account of Gallipoli that Conrad just breezed through.  
     I know, I know, I can tell what you're thinking, but if they'd called it "The Lily Of The Valley Hill Mob" it would have too many vowels - Oh!  Sorry, you wanted a definition of a steam pinnace?
     It is a small boat carried by a much larger vessel, used for ferrying people and supplies, for landing, for travelling between other ships.  Art Department!

NO!  Get it right!

Better.

Respect The Hyphen:  Man-Eating Jam
Conrad very occasionally puts in a post about grammar.  English grammar, as English is the lingua franca^ of the world.  The vastly under-rated hyphen is one of the most powerful symbols in English grammar.  Take the above, for example.  Imagine the tagline for this film:

Terrifying.  In 1958.

     You'd pay to see that at the cinema, right?  Imagine if you got there and instead realised that the poster added in a hyphen and you actually got this:

A teensy bit gross is all

     So, remember - keep watching the pies!


* They are hilarious!  They are!
** Actually I don't care one whit, so don't bother sending postcards or texts as they will all go to feed the bin.
*** Which likes to think it's "Telegraph-lite"
^ O killing joke!  That's Latin for "french language" and it means a universally spoken and understood language.  Which will never apply to Hungarian.