An hilarious comic novel by Count Nikolai Tolstoy*, as spoken by one of the lead characters - to himself. Yes, he's to evil he's even nasty when conversing with himself. One of Conrad's favourite quotes and quotations but not something you can pronounce in public withouth making people nervous. And the people on the bus are nervous enough already. For Why? Well, because Conrad forgot to comb his hair this morning:
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| Imagine seeing this frowning at a book on the bus. You'd pick another seat, wouldn't you? |
Grist
Whilst scribbling away in his notebook, Conrad was struck by an aphorism: all human life is but grist for the blog."
It'll never go down in any dictionary of quotations but as mine own mental offspring Conrad looks on it fondly. He also wondered what on earth "grist" might be.
Puzzle no longer, gentle reader. Grist is grain without the chaff or husk, ready to be ground down into flour. Given that one can buy flour for 45p at Asda, grist is no longer a feature of our daily lives.
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| Grits. Close enough, since they are made from grist |
The Unpleasantness At The Bellona Club
I've been blethering on about this for all of two days - I know in your minds, gentle reader, the impression is probably of a much much longer duration - and one really has to pay attention. The slang, idiom and contemporary culture of 1921 are a long way removed from 2014 - except that Dot Sayers works in a lot of allusions to the Great War in an intelligent fashion (despite being a woman) and given Conrad's unhealthy obsession with that conflict, he does not find her wanting. There are mentions that need a bit of explaining.
Roland and Oliver
These are two medieval French knights, featuring in the epic "The Song Of Roland". Roland is impetuousness made concrete - the comparison is made to Lord Peter Wimsey - whilst Oliver is a thoughtful and reasoning chap - the comparison is made to Superintendent Parker. Conrad knew he'd seen the names in connection but it required a bit of Google-ery to resolve it.
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| "The Likely Lads". Close enough. With a bit of poetic licence, quite true. |
Belatedly, Conrad realised that the chapter titles were all about cards, e.g. "Lord Peter Clears Trumps". No! nothing to do with farting, you vulgar people - it's from some variety of card game. Bridge, I think.
Bridge
Conrad has never played this, nor ever seen it played, knows nothing about it and cares less. Oh - wait - decades ago there used to be a cartoon strip in a daily newspaper that instructed people about how to play bridge. This confused a young Conrad terribly. It was a cartoon, right? Cartoons were either about silly animals or men in spandex; what on earth was this stunningly dull cartoon about cards?
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| "I bid two no-trumps" - no, hang on - |
Conrad feels like holding forth on - Chess. One takes it that you, being the discerning and intellectual reader that you are, know the game of chess sufficiently well not to need any explanation of what it is.
Lawn Chess
The principles of chess remain the same in this variation, which is all about scale.
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| No! They aren't very small people - those are - O I give up |
Human Chess
This takes place with people acting as the playing pieces. The pawns ought to be played by small children, who can be frightened into remaining still for long periods. Also a popular game with aspiring mad tyrants or isolated pocket communities run by Number Two:
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| Run by "Number Two", not a "Number Two". Really! You people! |
This game subverts the classical design and goal of the normal chess game, by substituting drink - strong drink - for the resin or wooden pieces normally used. I am told that the best strategy for winning is to lose your Queen as soon as possible, as the opponent who takes a piece in this game has to drink it. If you manage to Queen a couple of pawns, you're onto a winner.
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| If you get Checkmate in 6 moves, what happens to the playing piecxes? |
At the literal end of the spectrum is miniature chess. Perhaps "miniature" doesn't really do it justice. Here's a chess set balanced on the head of a pin:
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| No angels but several rooks and some seafood (prawns) |
Last night Conrad was watching "Gaudy Night", featuring the aristocratic detective Lord Peter Wimsey whilst simultaneously chopping vegetables for the Hearty Chicken Casserole (which Darling Daughter forgot to stir) when all of - OW! he slices his thumb. Plasters? Not a one in the house. Sellotape? Plenty of that. Plus it's cheaper than plasters.
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| Don't laugh, it works. |
Yes, this is the animal-exploitation post. Edna, bless her frantically-wagging bum, has taken a shine to a pink fabric pig. Conrad spent many minutes last night playing tug-of-war with her and the pink pig**.
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| The hideous object in question. Plus the pig*** |
* Yes, a descendant of that Tolstoy
** Conrad is embarassed to admit he did all the growling noises
*** This may lead to trouble from Wonder Wifey
