I Am A Camera

Except Pretty Obviously I'm Not
     

This is me with a camera.  Plus an awesome hat.

     Ah, the perils of choosing a blog title from a random page in the Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable.  "I Am A Camera" is from Christopher Isherwood and his Berlin diary, being a book that inspired the film "Cabaret" which Conrad will never, ever see*.

300 - Rise Of An Empire
     Ah, the ever-reliable bus poster as a stimulus MORE RELIABLE THAN THE BLOODY BUSES THEMSELVES I CAN TELL YOU - er - yes, quite. The bus poster <pauses to see if Rage turns up again> caught my eye.

Did the ancient Greeks possess compound recurved bows?  I think not!

One can see the Hollywood suit influence here quite clearly.  
First suit: "We gotta have a link to that other one, even though they all got killed.  Let's call it "3,000" 'cos that way it's ten times more awesome!"  
Second suit:"Nah we got it covered.  Focus groups, peer assessment, market research, bribery and goat entrails all underscore "Birth of an Empire."
First Suit:" I can't even call it "600"?  Cos -
Second Suit:"Dude, we already printed the posters."

Entropy. Or, Why Your Bedroom Is Such A Mess
     The concept of entropy entails that disorder is always increasing in systems, described as the possible number of (thermo-dynamic) variations within that system.  Ultimately all systems will reach thermodynamic equilibrium, having maximum entropy - and by this I mean the whole universe will be a completely uniform ylem with absolutely nothing happening.

Ylem.  Much like sago pudding

     A cheery thought!  Don't worry, it won't happen for simply ages and ages.
     "Yes, Conrad, pretty brain-stretching.  What does it have to do with my bedroom being a mess?  and how did you know it's a mess?  Are you stalking again, Conrad?  The injunction cle-"
     Cutting off this tangential remark, regard your bedroom.  There are a very limited number of ways that it can be arranged neatly and tidily, aren't there?

Spartan**.  Austere.  Tidy.  In other words the abode OF A SERIAL KILLER!

On the other hand there are so many, many ways to have it hideously untidy -

The natural order of things

Clearly, given the nature of disorder to increase in a system, it is far, far more natural to have your Upstairs Lair looking like someone emptied a skip into it, than have it be tidy.

Dangerous Chemicals!
     BOOJUM! introduced you last week to the hellish compound Chlorine Triflouride.  The pair of idiots who invented this stuff must be getting bathed with it in the Twenty-Seventh Circle of Hell.

"I find it a delightful after-dinner digestif."

But behold!  This is not the most frightening chemical compound ever dreamed up by a bored chemist working late shift in the lab.    For your delectation I give the link:

http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/things_i_wont_work_with/

There are compounds so toxic, explosive, reactive, mutagenic and downright *£%##ing dangerous that sensible chemists will not work with them.  Kind of how no actor wants to work with Gary Busey.  Except he doesn't explode.  Well, not much anyway.

Whoops!  There he goes again.  Second time this week.

And Finally -
     I know what you're thinking**.  Ha!  Gotcha!  No pictures of cute puppies.  No, today we continue to try and apply a little emotional balance into the lives of those unfortunate and unloved animals whose names begin with "W".
     Behold the Walrus:

Eeek!  World's worst vampire!

     A creature only a mother could love.  Huge - at 2 tonnes apiece, Valentina, they make you look slim and dainty - with a set of whiskers that make mine look meagre, and with gigantic tusks that appear to have no useful function at all (barring Twilight fan's rapt attention), this feast of a beast is pining for your affection. Yes, yes, I know the Beatles sang about it.  One song!
     So.  Please, find a place in your heart for Odobensus Rosmarus!
     (Latin for "Walrus".  Do keep up!)

*  It's a musical.  I shall say no more
** Do you see!  Do see what I did there!  Sparta?  300? Aren't I - O you did.
***  There was no third asterisk.  Just testing

On With The Motley!

(Motley Being A Theatrical Costume)
     Once again Conrad refers to his Dictionary of Phrase and Fable for a title.  Not a bad one, really.

They ought to be fined for un-necessary use of umlauts!

BOOK SECTION (KINDLE AFFICIONADOES MIGHT SUFFER HERE)

If Chins Could Kill
     Conrad has, just this very day, come into a small but tasteful collection of books, including the titular one named above.

There's a tale behind this

A very amusing and instructive look at the life of a "B" actor.  I got it in Edinburgh and can only remember that it was a choice of having lunch - or getting Bruce's autobiography.  He once responded to an e-mail I sent him in 2006, which is my one and only Bruce anecdote.

A Whole Heap Of Books
     Excuse me, got to go refill with Russian Caravan Tea - ah just enough in the pot to fill one last cup, most gratifying.
     

Ah yes, "Akira".  Seen it ten times, still can't follow it.

Soldaten
     Did you know that the perfidious British, when they captured German PoW's in WW2, used to bug their cells and record conversations?  Me neither.  A pair of German authors came across the transcriptions in 2001 - 48,000 of them - and created the "Soldaten" of the title.

Oops.  Rotate your neck through 900

Interesting but very grim!  Also quite heavy on the sociological explanations.

BOOK SECTION OVER NOW YOU CAN COME OUT KINDLERS

Barratry
     Remember the "Mary Celeste"?  That ship found drifting in the Atlantic, crewless and with no signs of violence or struggle?  Don't confuse it with the "Marie Celeste" - a fictional take on the story by Conan-Doyle.  Nor with "The Wreck Of The Mary Deare", either the book or the fillum.
     The "Mary Celeste" was an unlucky ship.  Three of her captains died aboard her.  She ran aground.  Finally she ended up being deliberately run onto rocks in order for her owner to carry out insurance fraud ("Barratry").
     The ship didn't sink.  I told you she was unlucky - this not-sinking rather destroyed the planned insurance fraud, so the captain set her on fire.  That didn't work either.  He then ended up being prosecuted for Barratry, which at the time carried a death sentence.  The jury found him not guilty since they rather jibbed at the death sentence.
     There you go.  Barratry.  A term you'd never heard before today - BOOJUM! didacting like the devil!

Barret, Syd.  Close enough.  Apologies for the bare behind

Once More Conrad Picks On Simon And Garfunkel
     Heh heh!  Such an easy target!  Next week it'll be, oh I dunno - Lemonjelly.
     So.  Let us examine a lyric from "Bridge Over Troubled Waters".

When you're weary 
Feeling small 
When tears are in your eyes 
I will dry them all 

     Be very careful!  Eyes are very delicate and it would be easy to remove excess moisture and so cause painful chafing of the sclerotic membrane.
     Okay, let's look at a bit more.

Like a bridge over troubled water 

I will lay me down 

No!  I won't have sloppy grammar!  That should be "myself" NOT "me".  I'm warning you, Simon.  Let's try a bit more.

When you're down and out 

When you're on the street 

When evening falls so hard 

I will comfort you 

What?  This homeless person needs a bed for the night and some food!  Less platitudes and more referral to Shelter!  <sigh>  Go on, go on.

If you need a friend 

I'm sailing right behind 

No!  Exactly what yachting qualifications do you possess, Mr. Simon?  Hang on - this person can afford a boat?  A moment ago they were penniless and homeless!
     Away with you!

And FInally
     The usual repulsive emotional blackmail by posting pictures of PUPPEH!

Appealing little tinker, isn't she?  Be sure to tell all your friends!

Hold Back The Dawn!

Actually Please Don't
     It's just that I was stuck for a title and opened a page at random in my "Dictionary of Phrase and Fable" and there it was.

Eels
     No, not the genus Anguilloformes!  The band.  "Eels", Mark Everett's crew.  You know, Mr. E.  

Hugh Everett, Mark's dad the quantum physicist.  Yes, really.  He created the "Many Worlds Interpretation*"

They play the Bridgewater here in Manchester on June 16th and guess who's going?
     No, not Emily Ravenscroft and her best friend Matt.
     NO! Not the local Darby & Joan club.
     NO!  Not Keyser Soze - he doesn't exist!
     Me!  I'm going - honestly you lot are hard work.  The 16th is  a Monday so I shall probably just tootle over after work.  Since E changes the band and accompaniement I don't know if it'll just be him and a geetar or a whole lot of folks and a string section, too.

Heels.  Close enough.

What Were They Thinking!
     In doing a little research for dangerous chemicals yesterday, Conrad came across a substance called Chlorine Triflouride.  It was invented in 1930 by a pair of scientists who seem to have sat down and decided "What compound can we create that's really dangerous?  Nah, strike that - really really REALLY dangerous!  Stupidly dangerous!"
     With ClF3 they got their wish.  This stuff will ignite on contact with nearly everything - cloth, wood, sand, asbestos, people, glass - and can only be kept in metal containers made from steel, copper or nickel. It is extremely toxic, but don't worry about that, if you get any on you the burning pillar of fire that used to be you won't last long enough to begin worrying.  Oh, part of the process when exposed to water is to create hydroflouric and hydrochloric acid, so that burning pillar of flame will also be melting.  Melting, burning and poisoned - can't say you don't get plenty of bang for your buck with ClF3!
     Here the kicker: you can't put a ClF3 fire out.  Throw a bucket of water on it and you get an acid cloud as per reaction above, and it will be an extremely hot acid cloud.  Bucket of sand?  Pile of sand on fire!
     The stuff was invented in 1930 and only found a use thirty years later for cleaning in the creation of transistor circuitry, and processing nuclear fuels.

The bond-model schematic for ClF3

A Little Experiment Of My Own
     Not involving volatile or dangerous chemicals.  I baked a cauliflower recipe earlier in the week, producing what the recipe-poster claimed to be a substitute for bread.
     Um, no.  Quite palatable whilst hot, when cold it was pretty "meh".  So today Conrad tried it with mashed potato.
     Still not a bread substitute, but nicer than the cauliflower version.  Yes, I know, you want proof:

When I left it only one slice had gone.  Honestly - those cats!

Oh Noes!
     The Kepler space telescope's data has confirmed the presence of over 700 exoplanets, including 4 of near-Earth size that orbit in the habitable zone (not too hot, not too cold).  This is - hang on here's the link to Auntie Beeb and the report:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-26362433

This is not good!  At this rate Hom. Sap. will have discovered my homeworld before the invasion fleet arrives.  Disastrous!

Home.

So - Tanks?
     This is just barely a tank.  Behold the unmitigatedly ineffective Italian L6:

If tanks were people, this would be the pencil-necked, acne-spotted loser in the corner 

It only weighed 6 tons, so definitely a lightweight compared to it's contemporaries.  Main gun was a 20mm cannon, which would be utterly deadly in use against wheelbarrows and baker's vans, but was slightly less effectual against things like - tanks (those things you often find on battlefields)

Finally
     A photo of Edna at rest in the kitchen.  Today she discovered the joy of chasing a small rattling plastic ball around the kitchen and didn't stop for at least quarter of an hour.  The ball, you see, ricocheted off every surface and never stopped moving, so neither did she.

Only still because she's eating!

*  I knew you wanted to know more about this!  Let me quote:"The many-worlds interpretation is an interpretation of quantum mechanics that asserts the objective reality of the universal wavefunction and denies the actuality of wavefunction collapse". There.  I trust all is now made clear?