Don't Say You Weren't Warned
That warning dates from only 5 days ago, so it ought to be pretty fresh in your memory, unless you're a goldfish with senility issues. Being a goldfish also means you are vanishingly unlikely to ever come across BOOJUM! so I'm not worried about the RSPCA bringing a case against me.
ANYWAY what this Intro is going to be about is that lowest specimen of life in the office: the lunch thief. These are the utter dastards whom decide it's perfectly okay to not bother making their own lunch because they can always steal someone else's <silently makes throttling gestures>. Art!
Imagine this was in your lunch bag. AND THEN NOT!
Here an aside. Hey, I waited until after the first picture! "Dastard", as my CCD has it, is derived from the Old Norse "Daestr", meaning 'Spent or exhausted'.
ANYWAY AGAIN employer attitudes to lunch-theft vary wildly across the continuum. Some regard it as a minor foible that's no business of management to either patrol or punish. I recall one LT tale where this was HR's response to lunches going missing, until the Narrator switched brown bags in the fridge and suddenly HR's lunch went missing. Then management took action. Art!
The missing chair is for poor lunchless HR person
Conrad is aware of other LT victims responding with chocolate cupcakes using Ex-lax, the very potent laxative, in the frosting. Naturally this turns the LT's bowels inside out and in South Canada might be cause for them to sue, because being litigious is in their blood, most especially if they're in the wrong. However - there goes that word again! - Conrad has a Gilt-Edged Get Out Card, thanks to his diabetes medication, which includes Metformin. Ol' Metty is known to have both loosening and tightening effects on the bowels, so my excu - sorry, 'reason' - for having the laxative cake is to ensure proper intestinal function. Argue with that, HR. art!
CAUTION! May cause pants to be filled
One of the more traditional, and safer, methods of hitting back at Lunch Thieves is amping up the spiciness of a meal, because the rationale for this is simply that you like hot, spicy food, especially if you do.
Thus we arrive at today's tale of the LT. The narrator of this tale, whom we shall call Plunder Victim, liked spicy food, and was very annoyed when hers went missing. Planning a gustatory revenge, she ordered a bag of Ghost Chilli peppers, which score very high on the Scoville scale of hotness. Art!
She then cooked up a Retribution Stew, using a handful of Ghost Chillies, and took this into the office as her weekly lunch. Inevitably the LT snaffled one of her lunches, got sent home sick and had to see their doctor about severe stomach pains.
When they came back the LT took their case to HR, so PV made up another batch of stew, this time only using a single Ghost Chilli, because she knew what was coming. Accompanied by her manager, she had a little 'chat' with HR, where HR brazenly stated that the issue was her poisoning a co-worker, rather than the theft DISGUSTINGLY MYOPIC HR of lunches. PV offered her much tamer chilli for testing and all agreed it was spicy yet not incendiary, so the accusation of poisoning rather fell through.
The real takeaway from this meeting was that the LT was now down on record as admitting theft of co-worker's lunches. Ooops. Art!
LT, being a greedy selfish idiot, went back to stealing lunches, was immediately called out by PV's manager, who showed HR the admission of theft in the meeting minutes, and LT was fired the next day. What's more, they were told not to expect a reference from the business. This is more vengeful than it seems, because if they were there for any length of time, this will leave an embarrassing gap in their resumé. "Fired for thieving" does not endear to prospective employers.
Then there was the saboteur who left a basket full of chocolate-covered rabbit droppings for the unpleasant ganterpies of his office to dine on, which th
But that, I fear, is a story for another day.
Number Two, We're Looking At You
The blog is far too SFW to go into this title, but if you know, you know. Yes, overtly we are back on Jezza Jahn's list of the Bottom 10 films of 2024, and are now on Number Two, which, if Art will put down his dinner of coking coal and nuclear fuel rods -
According to Jezza, this is a video game adaptation, which I will take his word for since I'm never touching computer games again, for they are the biggest thieves of time imaginable. Unlike the video game adaptation of 'Fallout', this one isn't very good, which you might have guessed since it's on a list of worst films of the entire year. He describes it as a 'disjointed, unfunny slog of a sci-fi mess' and adds in a few swears, too. His suspicion is that it was originally filmed as an R-Rated film, and the studio hacked it about in post-production to achieve a PG-13 rating, so more people would see it. They hoped. Wrongly.
"The War Illustrated Edition 203 29th March 1945"
Allied boots on Teuton soil and butting up to the Rhine, every guilty Nazi's impending nightmare. Art!
At bottom you see Teuton PoWs being guarded after capture, and it's a sign of the times that a lot of them look quite happy at this turn of events, not to mention the youth of some, who don't look old enough to shave. To starboard upper are troops skulking in the lee of a house, before the actual fighting begins, and at port upper is what looks like a stranded 'Buffalo' amtrac. Canted so far to one side implies that it's fouled an obstruction under the waters; you can see the driver still at his position, peering out, so maybe they're waiting for a tow? Note the ladder in the background for Dutch civilians to get to the unflooded upper floor of their domicile. The perils of living alongside the Rijn in winter. Art!
Sounds Ingenious!
The magic of radio drama is that the audience fills in all the background and sets and milieu and props and landscape and costumes, out of their own imagination, and all you need is a small black box in the recording studio to apply a few sound effects. Having said that -
No, it's not an homage to 'Lost', because this is a spoof of 'Desert Island Discs', which was going before any of the creatives behind the Big L were born. On DID a celebrity is asked to nominate their 10 favourite music tracks to be played whilst they are stranded on a tropical island. They are allowed three things: the collected works of Shakespeare, the Bible and a single luxury item. Conrad isn't sure if a metric ton of paper, a gallon of black Quink and a fountain pen could all be parcelled together; if they could, that would be his choice.
In the satire above, Ol' Steve is indeed cast ashore on the very island that all the previous DID celebrities have been cast away upon, finding a strange social order that he has to best to survive.
Finally -
There's a passel of uncooked chicken thighs that need a good seeing-to in the fridge at present, especially as their Best Before Date was the 14th of February, so classed as what Conrad calls 'nicely matured'. Better make a move on them before someone chucks 'em.
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