Okay, Let's Start With What We're NOT Talking About Here
But which can allow us to put up a clickbaity picture or two, as we are wont to do. Firstly, we are not talking about "Peg-Leg's Flying Penguins" which was a real thing I recall reading at the time, and if Art will put down his anthracite-sandwich -
Art by Joe Colquohoun
Thanks to "British Comics Archive" for proving that I am not raving, or at least not this time. Then again, we're not talking about the armed penguin as depicted on "Forgotten Weapons" Ian 'Gun Jesus' McCollum. Art!
Period-accurate SLR-armed penguin
Nor are we on about that hilarious 'Pingu' spoof, which was a mash-up of the original claymation and "The Thing". Art!
No, I am on about a metaphorical penguin, going by the name "The Penguin", from "The Blues Brothers" film. If you don't understand what I'm talking about THE EXIT DOOR IS THAT WAY! Art?
Real name Sister Mary Stigmata, who's pretty handy with a ruler, and who won't tolerate disrespect from anyone, certainly not a pair of ex-orphans who are career criminals-cum-musicians. The reason she's here - so glad you asked - is because of her line:
- Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Thus triggering the rest of the film.
Now, we already mentioned John Carpenter's terrifying documentary "The Thing", so recall that in "Prince Of Darkness" he enlists the concept of 'Anti-God'. What would you say about an 'Anti-Penguin', who absolutely would take filthy stolen money?
That's where this Intro begins, because we have the torrid tale from a Youtube Reddit post that features at least four Anti-Penguins.
Put-Upon-Poster, hereafter PUP, lived alone with her mother until Stepdad came along when she was 14, along with Precious Stepsister, whom we'll dub Preccy. Bottomhole Mother, hereafter Bottom, immediately dropped PUP like a hot coal and blatantly favoured Preccy. Stupid Hostile Ignorant Toxic Stepdad, whom we'll call Stupes, basically ignored PUP. Art!
When Preccy was 18 Bottom gave her a load of heirloom jewellery from PUP's grandma, whom she was very close to, loudly declaring that Preccy was the oldest grand-daughter and so deserved this gift. Predictably PUP saw several shades of scarlet at this blatant abuse and favouritism and moved out of this horrid household the instant she turned 18. She went No Contact with Preccy, Bottom and Stupes and was happy that way.
Things went along this way for several years, until Bottom reconnected and met up with PUP. During one of their subsequent conversations, PUP mentioned the heirloom jewellery, and Bottom instantly got defensive and anxious. Red Flag Number One! Art?
As you might expect, PUP wondered about this response, and reached out to an aunt later on to see what might be going on. Most Valuable Player Aunt was curious, too, and wondered if the heirlooms might have been mentioned in a will. Which might explain Bottom's odd response.
When PUP raised the issue of heirlooms again, Bottom immediately got defensive and said that the issue was all in the past, PUP ought to let it go and - biggest lie going - the jewellery wasn't worth much anyway. PUP stuck to her guns and retained a lawyer, who found that there was a will, and that Bottom had collected everything mentioned in it WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE GONE TO PUP. Thus illegally stealing the stuff.
Ooops. Another red flag.
Then, in a collective Zoom call after PUP mentioned legal action, Stupes, living down to his name, admitted that Emma and her fiancé had sold the heirlooms for $300,000, which had financed their purchase of a big house and two hi-spec Audis. Art!
This, times two
Emma and fiancé offered to pay the money back at $1,000 per month, which PUP's lawyer instantly shot down. Settling out of court, so Bottom avoided jail time, Emma and fiancé were forced to sell their cars and house to pony up the $300,000. The fiancé, who was only in the relationship for the cold hard cash, then promptly bailed on Emma. There is no further update after that, so I will fill in the gaps: PUP goes No Contact again with the Horrid Household, Emma has to move back in with Stupes and Bottom and hates having to do so, Stupes blames Bottom for everything and they divorce, Bottom dies a lonely cat lady in a smelly apartment.
Don't you just love a happy ending?
Getting The Boot
Except in a good way. I've mentioned my newly-arrived 'Shower Boot', which is designed to keep wounds, plasters, bandages or casts free from that dangerous Di-Hydrogen Monoxide stuff, and since my phone is at last charging properly, I can provide proof. Art!
Essentially it's a foot-shaped plastic bag, with a rubber diaphragm that fit's air-tight over one's foot, and is considerably better than having to gaffer-tape plastic bags over one's taloned toes and shin. Those cuts are from me having to cut the plastic bags off with a scissor whilst not wearing my glasses.
"The War Illustrated Edition 202 16th March 1945"
Remember, gentle reader, that the photos in this edition will date from two weeks previously, or even longer, so as not to pass on any useful information to the Teutons. Art!
Actually I doubt any censor in the Third Reich would pass this map, since it shows how parlous their situation had become, with the Sinisters closing in from the East and the Allies from the West, and by this point the Allies now included an entire French army, who were thirsting for vengeance. And an angry Frenchman in a Sherman tank is quite something to reckon with. Art!
One area the Allies utterly outclassed the Teutons in was medical care. First aid, casualty evacuation, hospitals, nursing, repatriation, all of these were immeasurably better than that offered to the hapless enemy stubble-hoppers. Note also that the Allies had anti-biotic medicines that the Teutons could only dream about. Stuff like this doesn't only save lives, it also props up morale.
See? It's Not Just Conrad
Art!
Yes yes yes, 'RBC Ukraine' is firmly in the pro-Ukraine camp, but the article goes on to cite statistics about the Ruffian refineries that have been absolutely pulverised by Ukrainian drone attacks. It appears that the blitzed refinery at Kstovo alone may have suffered up to $200 million dollars-worth of damage, by four drones that collectively cost perhaps $200,000 each.
I plan to go over more misery in Modern-day Mordor in a separate Intro, so I'll just leave you with this. Art!
You'll need a bigger marshmallow
No, it's not supposed to look like that. Yes, it is bad for global warming, at least until the fire brigade manage to extinguish it. If they haven't run out of foam.
Finally -
Conrad has half a dozen sausages that he needs to consume before they go off, so I plan on making 'Toad In The Hole' after discovering that my "1,000 Recipe Cookbook" has a recipe. The couple of internet recipes I have already checked caution NOT to open the oven door whilst it cooks, or the batter will sink lower than the 'Moskva'.
Good taste? What's that?
