Number One - In A Field Of Two

"Dioralyte!  Dioralyte!
It helps you when you -"
 - and there we shall stop this scrivel before it becomes NSFW.
     Yes, at the weekend Conrad was watching television and there was an advert about Dioralyte, which preened and primped about being a solution for diorrhea.  It was pretty full of itself, that advert - and no, I'm not going for any puns about bad bowels - in declaring itself the "Number One Rehydrating Gubbins".
     Which got Conrad thinking*.  What competition does it have?  Are there swarms of rehydrating medicines taking up space on the shelves at Boots or Lloyds, all in violent competition with each other?  I very much doubt it.  
     So, Dioralyte, don't go getting a swollen head.

Actually, re-reading that makes it seem - you're supposed to read the blog title as part of the rhyme -

"Number One in a field of Two!
Dioralyte! Dioralyte!
It helps you when you -"

So it's not Number One.  Sue me

SPRONG!
Number one in a field of none!  Sprong, the wonder material/metal/fabric, is the prime Supercritical Oolytic Syndiotact that fits all your domestic and light industrial needs!
(Caution: may cause voles to explode)

Possibly bad for badgers, too

Number Six In A Field Of - Er - Six
Conrad also happened to catch an advert for a television channel, or a film-streaming service, or something.  There were films being advertised.  Obviously a pretty poor advert if that's all your scribe** can remember.
     And they were showing a clip from one of the Resident Evil films, causing Conrad to frown and wonder "Are they still making those?"
     The last one was "Resident Evil: Blah Blah Blah" because I cannot be bothered to remember the title.  We can dub it "Resident Evil: Epoxymaniacalypso" for BOOJUM!'s purposes, which are basically to hit it with a stick.
     IMDB, the fount of all knowledge about films, declares that "Epoxymaniacalypso" cost $65 million to make, which had Conrad rubbing his hand and waving his stick (holding the stick means not being able to rub both hands), certain that it would have failed -
     DOG BUNS!  It made $240 million worldwide.
     I guess this means this execrable series isn't going to end soon, eh?  Yeah: the Umbrella Corporation, incompetently taking over the world since 2002***.

As sinister evil sigils go - frankly, it needs a bit of work

The 100
I've mentioned how this series appeared to hijack some of my ideas about orbital communities returning to Earth after taking to the heavens to avoid apocalyptic nuclear war.
     The series is definitely one of two halves; the titular 100, young felons sent down to Earth to see if they can survive; and the adults remaining in orbit aboard the Ark.  The clock is ticking for the Ark, it's got 3 or 4 months of life left -
     And "The 100" isn't an accurate title any more, either.  Try "The 93".  High attrition rate, you see.


"Gravity's Rainbow" By Thomas Pynchon
And yet again I have to look up words that Tom blithely uses.  You can't trust him not to make 'em up, you see.  Creative rascal that he is.
     "Glozing" - flattering or subservient speech.  Tyrone Slothrop tries this.
     "Clonic" - a seizure, which used to be called "Grand Mal", which kind of translates as "The Big Bad", as it was.
     Oh, I thought I'd caught Tom out in another mistake about military hardware.  He mentions a Russian soldier "unslinging" his Tokarev, and I thought he meant this:

See?

     Of course you would unholster one of these, not unsling it.
     However, in the Rifle section:

Oh well.

     Although perhaps I can split hairs on a point of detail, as Tom also refers to another Russian soldier with his "Degtyarev".  This is a submachine gun, technically the PPD38, but a Russian would nickname it "Pepesha".  Sentimental like that, the Russians.

Number Two In A Field Of Two
Which reminds me about that old Russian joke about the Olympics.
     Only the Russians and Americans are competing in the 800 metres sprint.  The American wins, the Russian athlete coming in a little later.  The Russian commentator:
     "Despite running a very good race, with enthusiasm, determination, commitment and sound tactics, athlete Pyotr Alexievich Gorodsky, leading up until the final few yards, came in an heroic second.
     The American came next to last."

A Gaping Great Plot Hole
Oh, I do so enjoy being the pedant in the corner!  
     This particular plot hole concerns that "Star Trek" episode "What are little girls made of?"
     Going by this episode, giant green rubber blanks.  Well, let's not get diverted.  At one point Kirk makes his escape by threatening to choke Doctor Corby with a length of cord, viz:

Captain Kirk's knowledge of the Heimlich Manouevre was a little rusty ...

GREAT BIG FAT SPOILERS AHEAD^!

     Okay - at the end of this episode we discover that Corby is an android.  A robot able to masquerade as a human being, if you wish more detail, and the "Robot" bit is relevant.  Corby is a robot, he doesn't need to breathe!  The excuse that "Oh those androids are vulnerable to a blow to the throat" won't do, either.  You can't conquer the universe if a poke in the larynx does you in!


* Usually a dangerous precedent.
** Not feeling humble today.
*** First Bus taught them all they know
^ I know it's been 49 years but I worry so.

M.O.S.C.O.W.

Why Yes Herman Hess!
I apologise for accidentally inveigling in any Russians who might be thinking "But - but - surely Conrad lives in England?  Why is he thus mentioning the Centre of the Known World?" Well, I was equally as wicked about M.O.G.A.D.I.S.H.U., although the only bit of that acronym I can remember is "Hairy Underside".
     "M.O.S.C.O.W." - "Man Of Subtly Charming Older Ways".
     In other words, I have grey hair.

Drunk Pynchon
I only came across this Twitter site this afternoon, and - curiosity being my besetting sin - I had to take a look at it.

Good luck with that!

     This person has set themselves an impressive task - Tom's works go back to the 18th Century, and span North America, Africa, a great deal of detail on Europe, the wilds of the Atlantic Ocean, Asia and some countries that don't exist.

Aaaand For Today's Second Coincidence -
This makes sense to me, and probably to Tom.  To you the gentle reader of BOOJUM! possibly not quite so much:

     Okay, which novel by Tom covers Pig Bodine going AWOL in New York, the Herero Rebellion of 1904 and the British invasion of Suez?
     That's right, "V".
     Your honour, I rest my case.

Aaaand For Today's First Coincidence -
I'm not going to apologise for mucking about with the time-stream - you've all watched Doctor Who, you should be experienced - but here we have Colm Meaney:

Turning a trick in the stars

     Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien in "Star Trek: The Excruciatingly PC The Next Generation".
     Whilst dogsitting Edna I happened to see him coming the glad hand with Lieutenant Barclay on the "CBS Action" channel.  
     "Ho Hum!" declared Conrad, switching channels to one showing films.
     Surprise surprise, 

And who if it isn't -

     Here is "The Race", featuring none other than Colm.

That Index I've Mentioned Once Or Twice
It being an index of "The History of the 51st Highland Division 1914 - 1918".  If you recall all those months ago, your humble scribe had decided to create an index for the above work.  Having done so, I now realise why some authors hire professional indexers to create an index, instead of doing it themselves.  Viz:

Fifty hand-notated pages!

     There are fifty pages of longhand notes there.  They now have to be typed up - an expense and occupation that a prof - let's just call them a PFI, okay? - would presumably also have taken on.
     Well, no PFI's present here, so Conrad will just have to type the whole lot up himself.  And the end result?  I'll get back to you on that.

Those Paramilitaries Mentioned Previously
Yes, I do apologise for not getting this post out yesterday.  What I meant to do was provide a bit of background detail for "Dad's Army", as whilst we here in the UK might know a bit about this particular paramilitary formation, you out there in the benighted bewilderness of Britlessness are surely completely clue-free*.

Them Nazis are a-quivering in their boots at this sight -

     Okay, imagine that it is July 1940.  Nazi Germany has conquered the Continent.  Our gallant chaps wearing gigantic moustaches and Spitfires are going at it like billy-ho over the Channel.  The Russians are - ah, well, let us not dwell there.  
     Things, to put it mildly, are underway.
     With the third** potential invasion of this Island Nation, a whole lot of people start to make threatening noises about being armed and ready.  The Local Defence Volunteers are formed, transitioning into the Home Guard.  These are people - actually 99% men - who are not eligible for call up into the Army, usually as they are too young or - the more probable percentage - too old.

Clearly, a huge influence on Douglas Adams

     John Laurie and Arnold Ridley of the original Dad's Army cast were actually Home Guard soldiers, just so we're clear.
     Now, the "too old" part is interesting, as a whole lot of First Unpleasantness veterans skilled in the art of "Individual Rapid Fire Lee Enfield Short, Magazine, .303 Calibre" joined up, and one wonders what people who had been through the ghastliness of gas warfare at Third Ypres would have made of a Blitzkrieg attack:
     FIRST PRIVATE: I say, Bill, I think they're coming at us with tanks!
     SECOND PRIVATE: I'm going for a kip. Wake me up when they get here.
     FIRST PRIVATE: Will that be one sugar or two?
     SECOND PRIVATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
     FIRST PRIVATE: Ah, no "think" about it.  Definitely tanks. Now, do I stir clockwise or counterclockwise?

It sends Panzers screaming in fear!

* Unless you've seen the sitcom
** First = Napoleon; Second = Kaiser Bill