However I bet that grabbed your attention? I know what you're thinking - but if they called it "The Scum" nobody would read - Oh! Sorry, you were thinking that Conrad has transferred his fixation with rodents into one about fish?
Herrings of evil.
Well, not exactly evil, but he did steal a Mars bar once.
Well you could be right. For years Conrad has eaten a tin of mackerel or sardines* with his lunch, as they are, in his words "power-packed with piscatorial protein".
Conrad has given himself food-poisoning on one occasion with fish**.
It was a couple of pounds of white fish going cheap as it was about to date-expire.
"Great!" I enthused. "Lots of cheap fish!"
Unfortunately I didn't get round to eating it for another four days, and then decided to freeze it instead, rather than waste £1.20 by throwing it out.
"Great!" I enthused. "Still lots of cheap fish!"
Fast-forward three or four months, when I am poking about in the back of the freezer and discover - the frozen fish.
| The fish. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the packaging - |
Wonder Wifey - in fact most humans - have a far better sense of smell than your humble scribe, who gets severely told off for stinking the house out by cooking food that reeks. Allegedly reeks.
So I thawed and cooked and ate the fish and really enjoyed it. Delicious!
"Great!" I gloated. "I didn't waste £1.20 there."
Until next morning.
You are familiar with the film "Alien"? The scene where John Hurt gets exploded from the inside? Imagine how he felt in the seconds before his chest burst asunder, and you have a good approximation of how Conrad felt.
This remaindered cheese got bashed about in the bag and the resulting smell was quite unpleasant. I daren't eat it in work, and I can't leave it in the fridge at home, so I shall just have to eat it all alone by my sad little self.
Cupset
Wonder Wifey hates this cup with a passion, nearly as much as she detests Clara Oswald:
 |
| Bulbous and unloved. Like Conrad. |
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| Making friends. (And who would retail "Impure" Green Tea?) |
Frankly I don't care if you don't like these, they make Conrad chortle on the bus ride to work, which also means people don't sit next to him. Let the botley begin!
"Pyramints of Mars"
 |
| You could almost be in Stockport |
"Legopolis"
"The Cavies of Androzani"
| All the sounds of fur |
"The Kipper of Traken^"
"Foxcatcher"
Conrad saw a bus poster for this film. He's already seen the trailer.
THERE WERE NO FOXES!
That is all.
 |
| An Ox catcher. Close enough |
Conrad has used this word many a time, and it's even in the title of a very long-gestation Doctor Who fan fiction he's writing, but never until today had he actually looked it up to see what it meant.
It's Norwegian, but it derives from the Dutch "Maal Strom", which means "Mill Stream", and refers to the grinding activity carried out by mills.
No, I don't know why the Norwegians imported a Dutch word. If you find out why, tell me why Persian has some French words in it?
The world's first and second largest maelstroms are both in Norway, which seems a bit greedy of them. I suppose the primeval terror of the maelstrom helps balance the beauty of the fjords?
Anyway, the Moskstraumen:
| And yes, those are whirlpool tourists. |
 |
| More Darwin Award wannabees |
Time travelling photographs of the Great Robot Rebellion, the Zombie Apocalypse, and When Toilet Paper Ran Short
Until then, Pip pip!
* Usually sardines as they're cheaper and he's a skinflint <info courtesy of Mister Hand>.
** Only the once. Don't get cocky.
*** Yes, going for the sympathy traffic tonight.
^ I know, I know, fish again.
