Delighting In The Little Things

Although Not In A Good Way, Frankly
By now you ought to know that Conrad, Your Humble Scribe and Modest Artisan, is a hair-splitting pedant of the very worst kind, who is always looking over your shoulder to ensure that your apostrophe is correctly placed, and that there are two full spaces between the full stop and the next capital letter.
     Grammar Nazi is the phrase, I believe, which is peculiarly appropriate.  Art?

     Hay Pesto, the meat of the matter tonight!  One of the classic 'Popcorn For The Eyes' films of the Sixties.  
     Of course, you immediately spotted the deliberate error here, didn't you?
     Didn't you?
     <convulses in delight at being able to get one over on you, the reader>
     Okay, that font on-screen is "Fraktur", a Germanic typeface that is sheer hell to write and read, and which we can cattle-prod Art into illustrating -

The horrendous script

     It is pretty much taken for granted that, if you see this script, you're looking at Nazi Germany in literary form.
     Here an aside.  I remember that The Skids got into quite hot water about their album "Days In Europa" because it featured symbolism from the Nazi 1936 Olympics, and they used the Fraktur font to title it, which, if Art can move off his waffle-patterned behind -

Very dubious Skids, very dubious.

     The thing is, the Nazis banned Fraktur in 1941, because it had altogether toooooo much Jewishness about it, and anything Jewish was like Garlic Kryptonite to a Vampire Superman in Nazi Germany at the time.  1936?  Okay.  1944 (the date of WED) - not at all.
     There you go, that's the first problematic issue.  The second concerns the very matter of the mission itself.  At 05:00 we see and hear Colonel Turner blathering on about how General Carnaby had come a cropper.
     "The Mosquito he was in crash-landed only ten miles away - ", after being intercepted by a random Luftwaffe patrol.

CAUTION!  Do not trust!

     Now, given that this whole operation is actually a giant sting that Turner doesn't know about, one has to ask,
1) How did the General manage to be at the intercept site at the right time in order to be shot down? 
2) Or did this Luftwaffe interception occur only in someone's fertile mind? 
3) What about the Mosquito, because it's a two-crew aircraft; what happened to the crew? 
4) Was there a crew? 
5) Did the General fly it himself? 
6) Or did the RAF scare up a pair of suicidal pilots who were happy to die in the cause of?
 - because the pilot and co-pilot of this presumed Mosquito are never mentioned.

A Mosquito

     I can now rest happy in having illustrated yet another Gaping Plot Hole to you, less observant types.  And you're welcome.  Okay, motley, bring on the popcorn!

Today's Transportation Tale
Just as an infinite number of chimpanzees hammering away on the old George IV typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Enid Blyton*, just so First Bus will occasionally get things right, although usually by accident.
     And so this morning, the 409 turned up a minute early, and despite a couple of idiots who wanted to pay for a £17 bus pass with a suitcase of 1p coins, we got into Oldham Bus Station in time for my connecting bus.

The station of bus

     The journey into Gomorrah-in-the-Irwell (it being especially wet today) took only 30 minutes, which is a function of little traffic and few passengers at this time of day, and a telling contrast to last weeks hour and twenty minutes.      Don't get used to it, Conrad, this is purely a one-off, I tell myself ...

We Have Ways ...
Yes, back to this ever-entertaining podcast, which must at some point in the future become a casualty of both Jim and Al's hectic showbiz and writing careers.  So treasure it whilst you may.  I make sure to keep - what's that?  Who are they?  O very well -

James Holland, historian and author

     That's the pundit side covered.  And now for the enthusiastic amateur -

Al Murray, comedian and all-round scamp

     There, happy now?  you'd better be. 
     Where were we?  O yes.  I always keep pen and paper to hand whilst listening, for they are bound to come out with book titles worth investigating, and indeed they did so yesteryon:  Adrian Tooze, whom wrote "The Wages Of Destruction", about, as the tagline has it, "The Making and Breaking of the Nazi Economy".  It is, seemingly, an excellent read without being desert-dry.  Sadly I cannot in good conscience order it as I have already spent <cough cough> on books already this month.  Here's a picture for you.  Art!

Thus

     Of course, there's nothing to stop me from ordering it next month ...

     Grrrr!  The internet froze for a good few minutes there.  Conrad is angry!  VERY ANGRY!
     There, I feel better now.

"Robot Tunnel Quest"
I know this sounds like a rubbish computer game from the late Eighties, where the box art on the cover makes the game look cool and groovy, when in fact it's crudely pixelated with poor collision detection and no way to save, but it's not.

This was a real thing**.

     No, what I refer to is in fact the mother of the internet, DARPA, and their request for submissions of complex underground structures to them so they can carry out research.  Of course the conspiranoid loonwaffles exclaimed in excited horror, as their eyeballs swivelled madly, predicting the end of surface life on Earth, the coming of the Amero, Schwarzenneger as President and dogs and cats sleeping together.
     None of the above is true, or, if it is, I certainly didn't get the memo.
     No.  What DARPA want to do is test a variety of robots, in different environments, where humans might find it tricky or impossible to travel.  Art?

Not quite rise of the robots but on the way there.

     Thus, in situations like cavers trapped underground, or hostages held by terrorists, DARPA knows what technology works best with the where and when. 
     Of course, this doesn't forbid the possibility of Ol' Arnie becoming President ...
     And with that, we are done!
*  Yes?  You were expecting someone else?
**  It was a joke, yes, yet real.  And stunningly dull.

A Military Marine Menagerie

If You Are Not Interested In TANK -
You might want to skip this item.  I don't apologise for this concentration, because, once again, whose blog is it?  Besides, who can fail to like TANK?
     Anyway, the first thing I want to mention is Listy's FGAT book (see today's earlier post), which has revealed some gems to Your Humble Scribe.  Conrad - Your Humble Scribe's blog pseudonym for those who have lost track* - considers himself to be pretty big on tanks.  I can guarantee that I know more about tanks than 99.99% of you out there, yet Listy came up with something I'd never heard of - Art?

The Amphibious Tank 1

     This is the AT1, an amphibious tank, so no kudos to the designers in imaginative nomenclature.  It was indeed amphibious, which is a good thing as sitting in the crew compartment as it slowly sank would have been - upsetting.  It had surprisingly good cross-country performance, which is more than you'd expect with a whale of a vehicle like this.
     "Why do we not see oodles of them crawling out of the sea on D-Day, Conrad?" I hear you querying.  "Tell us, for we crave to know, O White-Haired Wonder!"
     Pausing only to note that my hair is, indeed, white with wisdom, I shall explicate.
     First problem: when at sea, the AT1 could not steer to save it's life.  It didn't have a rudder, and as you can see the tracks are merely tracks - we shall come back to this.
     Second problem: it was freaking enormous.  Tanks survive best when they can find cover to hide behind, thus becoming "hull-down".  This beast would have needed a small house to hide effectively.
     Third problem: Nicholas Straussler's DD-drive amphibious Shermans could do the same job better, and cheaper, two things that always take trumps.

Still, it does look pretty cool*.

     I salute Listy, as he goes into depth* about this particular tank, with a lot more detail that I'm not going to plagiarise here.  Go buy his book!
     Okay, motley, shall we go for a bracing walk along the dunes?  

From Ruffia With Glove
Because it's so cold over there, the Ruffians are the only people on the planet to welcome global warming - sincerely, and I may come back to this.
     Anyway, let us now look at the Vickers Amphibious Tank, dreamt up in the Thirties so that Perfidious Albion could invade the Continent more easily.  Or something.  Art?

The beast in question

     The British Army refused to bite, but - who's this in the wings, developing amphibious tanks of their own, to little effect?  Why, nobody but the Sinister Union.  They were definitely interested in these tanks, and promptly bought eight of them, which were then taken to bits and analysed.
     Thus was born the T37a, a Sinister swimming design, which, bless their evil little hearts, bears pretty much no resemblance to the Vickers model.  Art?

Except maybe - only maybe - the suspension

Okay, Back To The Buffalo
I suppose this is a case of form following function.  "Buffalo" was the British name for a South Canadian amphibious vehicle that the South Canadians, with absolutely no romance in their souls, called an "LVT" (Landing Vehicle Tracked).  Art?

Very buff

     No doubt the similarity with the AT1 is apparent.  The difference here is that I think the LVT had a pair of propellers, and it's tracks had prominent cleats that meant you could steer by reducing power to one track.  Art?

Thus

      I came across this particular swimmer in George Blackburn's "The Guns Of War" where he mentioned these vehicles being used, along with Alligators -

Reminiscent of the AT1, and more an amphibious tank than a Landing Vehicle

     - and Weasels, in an amphibious assault on the Teuton-held shores of the northern Scheldt.  If Art will put down his plate of coal -

You can guess what the guys in the bogged-down Jeep are thinking

     This gives you a good view of the Weasel's rudders, and how it sneered dismissively at incredibly swampy conditions.
     When looking for other stuff in teh interwebz to do with this particular assault, I happened to come across a relevant map that also encouraged the Coincidence Hydra to reappear and apply it's fangs to my poor punctured nethers again.


     This shows the Canuckistanians and British armies advancing.  See that arrow pointing north-east from Temeuzen?  Well, on the northern shore where they landed is a plaque, recording how the British Americans landed here in an amphibious assault that completely wrong-footed the Teutons.  I know because I was on that dike, attempting to outrun a thunderstorm back in 1983.  This was very stupid indeed, since the dikes are the highest points of land around for miles, and are where lightning strikes always take place.  Fortunately for future generations Conrad was not turned into charcoal, and has subsequently survived to compose words of wit and wonder**.
     But stay!  For the amphibious menagerie is not yet done.  Enter the dragon Terrapin.  Art?

A Terrapin full to the brim

     This particular swimming truck was built by Perfidious Albion because, at the time, South Canada couldn't supply us with enough DUKWs.  The "Duck", as it was unimaginatively nicknamed, was a swimming truck that revolutionised logistics in Normandy, because it could swim out to waiting ships, take on a load of freight, swim back to shore and then drive inland to supply dumps, completely negating the need for a port or harbour***.
     The Terrapin is another late-war vehicle I'd never heard of, and I think we need another picture of same.  Art?

Very dynamic

     The first time they were used was during the Scheldt operations as in the map above, and although they were adequate, and did the job, they weren't as good as the DUKW.  Kind of the bridesmaid of amphibious trucks.

     And with all those tenuous links to amphibian kit, I think we are done!


*  Do you see what - O you do.
**  BOOJUM! just to be clear.
***  Hah!  Take that, you Teuton curs.  That'll teach you to plan and plot about blowing up ports and harbours and think "Problem Solved".