The Tale Of The Fox In The Night

Be Grateful That I Avoid Bad Puns

Or even good ones.  I refer, obviously - of course! - to both Conan Doyle and Ol' Tolky.  If you don't get the connection, Sherlock Holmes once remarked on the intriguing behaviour of the dog in the night, to which Watson replied that the dog did nothing, Holmes point entirely; it did nothing because it recognised and knew the villain of the piece.  Art!

     If he'd been a stranger, then Fido would have been all barks and growls.

     As for the fox, early on in 'Lord Of The Rings' our group of hobbits are traversing the countryside, and are encountered by a fox.  Hobbits wandering around the lands at night is clearly unusual, and Mr. Fox recognises something odd is going on - and then he moves on out of the story and is never encountered again.  So he never gets closure or clarification, poor chap.

     ANYWAY I wanted to set the scene about definite oddness in the air, without a concrete explanation, for we are going to venture into what looks, at first sight, as TREE LAW!  Art?

     That, gentle reader, is a pepper tree.  Originally an import from South America, these are hardy trees that can thrive with very little water.  

     So! the narrator of this tale claimed to be an arborist, and defined their trade as being the cultivation, management and study of wigwams.  NO! only joking.  Trees.  The study of trees.  We shall dub them as Suspiciously Apposite Person, hereafter SAP.  They owned a pepper tree, aged 30 years old, that stood on their property and which they called 'Clyde'.  There is no explanation as to where or why this name came from, let's just take it as read and move on.  Art!

     Being a large, healthy tree, Clyde sent roots out across the neighbourhood, including the local pavement.  Which 'he' broke.  Consequently the local city council decreed that Clyde was a menace to society, or at least it's pavements, and needed to be be removed from this world.  Not only that, SAP had to foot the repair bill for the pavement and the execution of Clyde.  Which rankled.  A lot.  Art!

     I am now introducing Mayor Steve Aspel, as he was at the time, being in office from May 2013 to March 2017.  As Mayor of Redondo Beach, SAP focussed on him as being responsible for the Clydcide.  

     There matters rested until, supposedly, SAP came back on social media two years and seven months later to reveal their cunning revenge plan.  Art!

     SAP claimed to have seeded 45 Californian Redwoods and 82 Giant Sequoias on the grounds of public and state properties, including the home address of Steve Aspel.  The reason for waiting so long was to allow these seedlings to take root and grow appreciably.  SAP gloastingly stated that their root systems would be 30 PROUD IMPERIAL FEET across and would take a major effort to remove, costing in the region of $1,500 per sapling.  Or about as much as they had to pay for Clydecide to be executed.

     What a jape!   The opposite of the usual TREE LAW case -

     Except remember that fox, and the dog.  I have to drag them back in, they took up hundreds of words.  So, what is the unsettling bit about this case?

     IT'S COMPLETE FICTION.  Art!

 

Any excuse to invoke the Comsats

     Conrad dug up an investigative report from 'The Daily Breeze' that poked  into the matter and confirmed the truth of things.  The story originated on Reddit, posted by 'GoblinsStoleMyHome', whom is a Biology student living in dorms.

     Art!

Dated 22nd June 2017

     The the pay firewall kicked in and that's all you're getting from the Breeze.  Luckily I took detailed notes, tee hee.  The Director of Public Works in Redondo Beach checked with his employees whom worked outdoors in parks and suchlike, and - no rampant sequoias anywhere.  

     The 'Breeze' did more digging and discovered another absence akin to that dog - nothing on the agenda of the City Council about removing excess trees planted by a vengeful SAP.  Art!

     

     That's Steve again, whom the 'Breeze' contacted for comment.  No, he does not have a Redwood or Sequoia growing in his yard.  No trees at all, in fact, so he would have appreciated a free one.  He also added that nonsense like the SAP saplings saga is one reason he doesn't miss being mayor any longer.
      

     BOOJUM! - being a buzzkill since 2013.  You're welcome.

King Piggy Doesn't Get Jiggy

The item after this one is going to be a longish one, so I intend to put up an item heavier on pictures than text.  Emphasis on 'Heavier'.  You'll see.  Art!

     Yes, we are on about the festering fartfest again, and as a result of the picture above I've updated his nickname to: Swollen Sweaty Senile Sepia Sackbutt.  I swear this chap looks worse every week and doubt he's going to make it to the end of this year, never mind his bloviating about running again in 2028.  A strictly metaphorical 'run' as he can barely manage a palsied waddle.  Art!

     Plus, what on earth is up with his Hair Helmet?  Is it wearing mourning colours ahead of the midterms?  Enquiring minds want to know!

     

 More Of 'How To Not Die'

Continuing with their list of 'Everything Zombie Movies Get Wrong About Survival' and this trope is one that happens in EVERY SINGLE HORROR FILM, never mind the ones about the walking undead.

SPLITTING THE GROUP

Art!

     They quote the line 'We should split up to cover more ground' as the embodiment of a bad idea, quoting statistics WHERE IS THE SOURCE! that groups of three to five people have a 60% better survival rate than individuals.  However - that word again! - splitting up into individuals is verrrrry common in zombie films and apocalypses in general.  HTND gets it right on the money when it lists the failings of splitting up.  Art!

     Being alone means NO protection from the group.  You have only one set of ears and eyes, and you can only look in one direction at a time.  Plus, you need to sleep.  With nobody to do stag, you're extremely vulnerable.  When in a group you can make use of other people's skills, experience and abilities.  If you're solo then do you have the woodcraft skills to survive alone in a forest?  Or know which buildings to stay out of thanks to erosion or damage?  Or how to field strip and maintain an assault rifle?  Don't forget Dave Gilmour's stance on how Pink Floyd created music:"Being in a group, most of the rubbish gets ironed out'.  So with your raggle-taggle survivors.

     Again, WITHOUT QUOTING SOURCES, HTND blithely state that solo scavenging survivors are between 40 - 60% less efficient than groups also scavenging.  Individuals also needlessly duplicate what they salvage.  Who needs seven axes and nine buckets?  Art!

     HTND make another SOURCELESS CLAIM that a scattered band of survivors going out scavenging will take up to 48 hours to reassemble, and if any don't turn up then a rescue may need to be mounted, or they may already be defunct.  

     WHY do films and television serials continue to use this tired tired tired trope?  

     They want to generate drama.  Lazy screenwriters.  Bah!

Back To That List Of 20 Classics

Don't weep so, we're getting near the end, being into the nineteenth century.  Art!

     I have never so much as touched any of Nietzsche's works and have no intention of breaking this duck.  One gets the feeling that reading one of them would be like wading into a swamp made out of custard whilst being beaten about the head with cricket bats wielded by nuclear-powered robots.  The blurb didn't explain what Ol' Friddy wrote about, but I Googled and it sounds fearfully high-minded guff.

     You can't deny he grew a splendid moustache.

     Next up seems to be Franz Kafka.  I bet you can hardly wait.

Finally -

The abandoned van has finally gone.  Wonder Wifey came beetling out of the lounge to tell me, and at first Conrad thought she was going to inform that the BOOH had dropped dead - but no.  O well small mercies and all that.