The Wall

No!  Not The Pink Floyd Double LP

Which I remember being reviewed by the NME in scathing terms, stating that it had enough musical ideas for a couple of singles.  Yeah right.  Now recognised as a classic and with triumphant international tours behind it.  Where is the NME nowadays?  O right it's a free rag mag with more advert than content, and what content exists is at the level of "The Metro", if it manages even that level of hack.  Conrad is pretty sure he remembers putting a curse on the NME back when he read that review; sure, it may have taken a while to take effect, but Slow And Terrible is the way to go*.  Art!

Lettering by Roger Scarfe

     They made it into a film, you know.  It fea

     ANYWAY enough of what we're not on about, because I wanted to illustrate the blog with the last runner-up photograph from the BBC's listing of Historical Photograph entries.  Art!

Courtesy Kayleigh Blair

     Here we see The Wall, as Roman legionaries of the time probably called it.  More formally it is Hadrian's Wall, which was built in the time of Emperor Hadrian - stop me if I get too technical - in order to keep Pictish rabble out of Imperial territory.  This is only a short stretch, and if Art will put down his plate of coking fuel (I have learned not to use the word 'coke' lest it be misconstrued) -

The Wall, with puny humans for scale

     It was built across one of the narrower stretches of Scotland (73 miles long), to economise on men and materials, and was not only a physical barrier to hostile Picts; there were accommodation buildings and watch-towers and garrisons to patrol and defend it.  You can tell the quality of Roman craftsmanship because this wall became the defining north-west frontier of the Empire for almost 300 years.  Is anything on Canary Wharf likely to be standing that long in the future**?

     So there you have more background to The Wall.  There is also the Antonine Wall - which we shan't go into just yet.

     Motley!  Shall we do Jaegermeister shots until we become comfortably numb?

When Crusaders Were Just That

As you SHOULD SURELY RECALL ON PAIN OF REMOTE NUCLEAR DETONATION,  Conrad was explicating about a photo-montage from "The War Illustrated" recently and had one complete shot to explain.  Art!

     These are British Crusader tanks - tank designs of Perfidious Albion during the Second Unpleasantness all had to begin with the letter "C" - motoring through Mersah Matruh as they chase the retreating Axis forces, who were running away <ahem> 'making a pre-planned strategic withdrawl' - so fast it was difficult catching them.  You can tell a couple of things from this photo: it's not anywhere near the front lines or the turret crew wouldn't be sitting atop the turret, and the reliability problems of the Crusader had finally been overcome, or there'd be one broken down at the roadside.

     Here an aside.  You remember Keith Douglas, an officer in the Sherwood Rangers Yeomanry?  He recounts upon reaching Tunisia a batch of their Crusaders were 'condemned' because they'd far exceeded their lifetime mileage.  It is 1,600 miles from El Alamein to Tunis, so fair point.  Art!

Keith and a Valentine tank - disputing what I put earlier.

     Maybe because it was an Infantry tank, not a Cruiser.

Say Hello To My Little Fiend

Make sure you read that properly!  I'm probably stretching the definition of 'fiend' here, which is fine as are you one of the Blogger Police? then let's carry on.  Okay, in "Tormentor" we have reached the point of Luma (Louis McMahon) finally accepting that no, he's not going round the twist.  And yes, the supernatural is real.  And it's sitting in his lounge.

               This creature’s responses were so similar to Jennifer’s precocious asssertions about science that Louis almost felt it was Jennifer.

               Except, of course, that she was dead.

               ‘You’re only a GCSE Science student, so don’t come the cod with me about Einstein,’ he told her, just as he did when she began to ramble on about science and lost him in the process.

               ****!  He was beginning to accept this as real.  He chewed his lip and looked at the spirit.

               ‘Don’t think of me as Jennifer.  I’m not.  I’m all that’s left of her.’

               ‘That’s ****** hard, seeing as how you look and sound and behave like her.’

               ‘Do you want to see what I really look like?’ asked the spirit, sharply.

               ‘No!’ replied Louis, equally sharply.  Several days dead – no.  No, he did not.

               ‘Look, this is ******** impossible to take in all at once.  Yesterday I was convinced I was an amnesiac, demented killer.  Today I discover that not only am I innocent of any crime, I can now see the spirit of my dead – of Jennifer Hargreaves, and am probably not insane, either.’

               The spirit rubbed the back of his hand, consolingly.

               ‘Trust me, Luma, being a spirit alone is just as strange.’

               A sudden thought struck Louis.

               ‘Why don’t you go and see Angela?  No?  no.  Okay, why not?’

               ‘I’m invisible to everybody except you, I think.’

               It came back to why him.  Of all people, why him!

               Jennifer’s spirit leaned against him, sending a cool tingle up his arm.

               ‘I don’t like being dead, Luma.  I wish I were still alive.’

               ‘So do I.’

               ‘Oh – I read your note with the flowers.  That was sweet.’

               He snorted in amusement.  “Missing You, Love Luma” didn’t amount to much, even if heartfelt.

     Why him?  He does have a metal plate in his head - dunno if that's explicit or not here or later - and was born on the 29th of February.  Only you can tell!

Guilty Pleasures Giving Guilt

As you should surely know by now, one of Conrad's guilty pleasures is watching programs such as "Police Interceptors" because they are simultaneously entertaining, hilarious and achingly frustrating - when a culprit is given a 3 month suspended sentence and 120 hour community service after a high-speed pursuit endangering the public and totals their stolen car <Mister Hand redacts hideous authoritarian polemic where 25-year minimum sentences are the start point> Lower Dungeon if they lack space!

     ANYWAY one of the star performers in PI was Ben Pearson, an officer in the North Yorkshire police.  He retired last year, stating that PTSD had taken such a toll that he couldn't carry on - which is where the touch of guilt comes in.  Art!

Ben P. and 'Baby Ben' on patrol, with Ben P. reviewing

     He is, however, howlingly funny in his breakdown of what he did and how he did it.  One of his consistent themes is that of stupid people doing stupid things for stupid reasons.

     Like the stolen car parked up on an extremely expensive housing estate, windows fogged-up and with dodgy number-plates (bodged over with gaffer-tape).  Ben and seven other cars crept up on them sloooooowly with no lights or sirens, then hemmed then in two-deep at all four points of the compass.

     The burglars - for that is what they were - had just looted one house in the small hours and were hanging around for another house's occupants to go to bed.  They all five fell asleep.

     Their alarm clock was a police baton smashing a window.  The driver found that he was blocked in front and behind by four police cars, so they weren't going anywhere, except to prison.

*  I take my cue here from the Mysterons.

**  I asked The Doctor this and he said 'No'