THIS IS NOT A TANK

Also,  A METAL FRISBEE IS NOT A TOY

Ah, yes, BOOJUM! not remotely bothering with any of that piffle about peace and goodwill.  That AMFINAT is a line from a song, cannot remember which song or artist, but it used to make Darling Daughter laugh, which is good enough.  

     We will get to the bit about TANK eventually, just be patient, because we're going to be going through literal trainwrecks beforehand.  Art!

The Bob Semple.  A Dalek and a John Deere had a baby -

     This is a trainwreck of a tank.  It is, without doubt, one of the worst tanks ever invented.  Kiwis hang your heads in shame!

     ANYWAY back to actual trainwrecks.  One of the things that makes a train crash so devastating is the mass and velocity involved.  A single locomotive can weigh 200 tons, and be pulling over ten times that in freight cars or commuter carriages.  That's an awful lot of mass, which can be travelling at up to 75 PROUD IMPERIAL miles per hour, which means immense inertia, meaning a train cannot stop as would a car or even an 18-wheeler.  A car travelling at 75 m.p.h. can take 400 feet to stop; a train travelling at that speed might take a mile, or 5,280 feet.  Art!

     Other factors affecting the stop length are weather, slope and overall weight.  Rain, snow or ice on the tracks decreases the steel-on-steel friction and lengthens the stop length.  Slope or grade on rail lines are typically small, but again influence how long it will take to brake.  The heavier the locomotive and cars hauled, the longer it will take to stop.  Let's go with an example.  Art!

     This montage is instructive.  In the first picture, thanks to a bend in the track, the driver cannot see what lies ahead.  Thus when he comes around the corner he has only a few hundred yards to react and take action.  The second picture shows when the brakes were applied, and the normal dull rumble sound of the train travelling becomes a thin metal screeching.  Art!

     

     The reason the truck is still intact, and not a collection of metal confetti, is because this was a commuter train, not a freight one, thus there was considerably less mass behind the hit.

     "Yes but why no TANK yet?" I hear you question.  PATIENCE!  Also, Art?

Goose Creek, South Carolina, South Canada

     This is the set-up, filmed from a bystander's car.  In case you're not au fait with military hardware and 18-wheelers, allow me to point out that you're looking at an M109 'Paladin' self-propelled howitzer being transported on a lowboy trailer.  Art!

THIS IS NOT A TANK

     The Paladin is a 35-ton self-propelled howitzer.  Yes, it has tracks.  Yes, it has  a turret.  NO IT IS NOT A TANK.  It's an artillery piece on tracks.  The turret is so large because the artillery gun is a lot bigger than those used in tanks, and you needs lots of room to elevate or depress the weapon, as well as to accommodate the very large shells it uses.  This vehicle's armour is a lot thinner than a tank's because it shouldn't ever be anywhere near the front lines.  Art!

     That, gentle reader, is a 'lowboy', it being a trailer that allows large items to be carried without the danger of hitting low bridges.  

     It may not be apparent, but that lowboy is stuck on the railway tracks and cannot move either forward or backward, which is bad news because - Art!

     That's the locomotive arriving.  Ooops.  The truck driver, at the insistence of bystanders, had abandoned his cab, which is a good thing, because - Art!

     It's not clear how long the train driver had to brake, but clearly it wasn't enough time, as he hits the lowboy.   That's at least 35 tons being thrown aside as if it wasn't there.  Art!

     Part of the track infrastructure is destroyed, whilst the train keeps a-rolling.  Art!

     The Paladin's gun barrel is hit and causes the turret to whip around.  Yes, a turret is designed to rotate, but under electrical power not train impact, and this will have stripped gears and possibly unseated the gun itself.  Art!

     Filmed by a different person, the train comes to a halt 23 seconds after impact, with the Paladin's turret having rotated three times before coming to a halt.  The local news channel reported on this debacle, making that mistake all of you probably also made.  Art!

     NO IT DOES NOT!  <pauses for blood pressure to adjust>.  They did have a really good set of follow-up photographs I shall add.  Art!

Despite happening over a year ago, Your Humble Scribe cannot find anything after that date about any consequences, which implies that the truck driver didn't suffer legal redress, possibly because witnesses said he tried almost until the train hit to release his kit.

     Hopefully this has been a bit different from the usual military history, what book I'm reading, Mordorvia falling apart or malicious compliance.

On The Theme Of Railways

Look away if you're squeamish.  This is another Darwin Award winner, concerning the unstoppable mass of a cargo train moving at 60 m.p.h. along it's tracks, and a doofus who chose to cross the tracks whilst futzing around with his phone.  Art!

     Conrad has seen idiots like this walking across the road, engrossed in their mobile phone, WHILST IN TRAFFIC.  I keep telling myself that this behaviour will thin the herd of the mentally incapable; it's just I don't want to see it occur in front of me.  

     ANYWAY the entirely predictable happened and Doofus was spread along 100 yards of track when the train hit him, basically disintegrating his body.

     Spare a thought for the cleaning crew brought in to clean up the tracks and surrounding terrain.  There was so much - not sure what to call it, 'residue' or 'debris' - that it took them 6 hours to clean things up.  Sounds like one of the worst possible jobs to have.  Which is a whole other thread.

How Did This Ever Get Green-Lit?

No, not talking about how Uwe Boll made another movie, he gets tax breaks for filming utter tosh in case you wanted to know.  No - I mean another entry from the 'Museum Of Failure' catalogue, this one being even more bizarre than usual.  Art!

     Here we see the Febreze 'Scentstories' CD player, which might not be the best way to describe it.  You inserted a scent disk, then selected the aroma you wanted to - er - play?  Nobody knew if it was a music or smells device, which meant it's appeal was limited and it died a death in 2004.  Good.  As you ought to know by now, Conrad has about 1% of the normal spell ability of a Hom. Sap.

Er - WHAT?

One of the things I like about researching stuff for the blog is that it introduces me to sub-cultures and communities I would never have realised existed.  Here's one.  Art!

     Be honest, how many of you knew that 'Underwater chess' was a thing?  'One breath' sounds like there might be wriggle room, as people better at holding their breath have an innate advantage.  Normally in a competition like this there would be clocks used to time each player's move but being liable to drown if you prolong your turn may, perhaps, adjudicate things.

Finally -

Conrad watched a Youtube clip of Franke Muniz being recently interviewed, and was somewhat horrified to discover that the young scamp who starred in 'Malcolm In The Middle' is now 40 years old.  Art!

     He's now a professional stock-car racer with NASCAR, having left Hollywood behind in 2006, and the normally churlish and truculent Conrad can only wish him well.

     Still, 40.  Dog Buns.

If I Were To Say "Starlord"

I Can Pretty Much Guess What You'd Picture

That is to say, Chris Pratt's character from the 'Guardians Of The Galaxy' franchise, the first two of which were pretty fun, the last one I've not seen so can't comment, and having invoked those films, I now have an excuse to put up a nice click-baity picture.  Art!

Peter Quill, a.k.a. Starlord, dead centre

     Of course - obviously! - this would not be BOOJUM! if things were this straightforward, because I most definitely do NOT mean Peter Quill, Chris Pratt or anything GOTG.  So there.

     Yes, we are still working towards a theme of 'Dogs', we'll get to that in a minute or two.  BE PATIENT!  Art?

     This comic only lasted 6 months in 1978 but proved influential for a couple of reasons.  It is sometimes described as a 'sister' publication of '2000AD', although 'distant unliked unwanted cousin' would be closer to the truth.  The publisher of '2000AD', IPC, felt that the British comics market could support 2 sci-fi comics and wanted to be the one to do the second, rather than Marvel or DC Thompson, both rivals.  They had trouble acquiring staff when they tried poaching from '2000AD', had to drop the full-colour plan and became weekly instead of the planned fortnightly, to recoup costs.  Art!

     This is one of the 'couple of reasons' why 'Starlord' made an impact, despite having a short publication run: 'Ro-Busters'.  This was a robot disaster team that dealt with the futuristic accidents 22nd century technology suffered.  It introduced two characters, Ro-Jaws, a sewer droid, and Hammerstein, an ex-military robot, and yes, they were a terrible pun on 'Rogers and Hammerstein'.

     They were the predecessors to another wildly popular series, 'The A.B.C. Warrirors', back when that intrusive Sinister acronym WMD wasn't on everyone's lips.

     ANYWAY those of you with sharp eyes will have noticed the strip titled 'Strontium Dog' on the cover of Issue One.  Art!

     Let me introduce you to Johnny Alpha, a mutant bounty-hunter of the future, who is only able to gain fulfilling employment with the 'Search And Destroy' agency, whose mission is - you may be ahead of me here - to search, track down and kill criminals.  No nonsense about courts and juries in his world.  The SD agency killers are informally known as 'Strontium Dogs', thanks to so many of them being mutants.  Why are there so many mutants?  Ah well, thanks to being so long-running, 'Strontium Dog' was able to create a formidable back story.  You see, in 2150 there came the Great Nuclear War, which - Art!

    

     Actually we're getting ahead of ourselves here.  During it's run in 'Starlord' - why yes, I do have a few copies lurking in my Comic Cavern - SD was a fairly straightforward shoot-em-up, just set in the future.  Johnny was paired with Wulf Sternhammer, a viking whom like using a massive hammer to flatten any SD targets, and they were occasionally accompanied by the Gronk, an incredibly timid creature who was an incredibly good medic.  Art!

    Once 'Starlord' ceased publication, 'Strontium Dog' was acquired by '2000AD' and began a run that lasted until artist Carlos Ezquerra jitterbugged off this mortal coil in 2018, with a 10 year hiatus in the middle.  The series got a lot more depth, with the 'Portrait Of A Mutant' serial establishing Johnny's background, including his boyhood.  Art!

     Introducing Nelson Bunker Kreelman, demagogue, humanist and a man whose political power was built around the exploitation or extermination of mutants.  A thoroughly un-British bounder, then.  He was also Johnny's father.  Ooops.  Having a mutant son did not sit well with him, and led to young Johnny Kreelman changing his surname and joining the Mutant Army.  
     After many a scrape and scuffle, justice prevails and good old British compromise ensues, with Kreelman being stripped of power.  The Mutant Army are granted immunity from prosecution - but have to leave Earth.  Art!

     They don't travel far.  This is the 'Doghouse', an Earth-orbiting station that accommodates all the Strontium Dogs, presumably so that a wary eye can be kept upon them.

     Then there was the story that explained how Wulf, Norse Viking of the 9th century, ended up in the 22nd, and another where the Gronkinator turns up, and an inevitable pairing with Old Stony Face himself.  Art!

     Good doggy!

I Make More Of Jake

We only got through about half of Jake's vlog yesteryon, so I thought I's continue with it from where we left off.  Be aware that it gets a bit grim, no blood or explosions on Jake's vlog as Youtube would instantly demonetise his vlog, just the background info.  Art!

     We are seeing increasing numbers of orcs mounted on horseback, so 'Seveer of the 95th Rifles' was correct, just a year out, in predicting the Ruffians resorting to horses.  This may look pastoral and pleasant but are an admission that Ruffian logistics is in a mess if they cannot transport troops by vehicle, and one has to question if the orcs are capable of watering and feeding these beasts properly.  Their sole consolation is that you can't eat a truck when your idiot officers mess up the food supply.  Art!

     Because Conrad is a numbers nerd, he couldn't avoid doing a bit of analysis here.  I have estimated that each Shahed costs $100,000 and each missile at $4 million.  Thus the total expended on Shaheds comes to $47 million, that for the ballistic and cruise missiles is $116 million for a combined total of $163 million.  This is how much Putinpot is willing to burn on a daily basis to try and batter down the Ukrainian will and it's not working very well.  Jake had a grim quip about the clips of Shaheds slamming into Kyiv apartment blocks: "In America we'd call this 9/11; in Ukraine it's Saturday."

     Art!

 

     A right rogue's gallery.  Just visible behind the Orange Land Whale is Marco Rubio, of whom Jake observed: "Marco Rubio, he's sold his soul, he's dead inside" which is a pretty accurate observation, he always looks utterly miserable in any of these junkets.  The bald beggar is the repellent Steven Miller, whom Jake hilariously dubbed 'Pee Wee Himmler'.  That name is going to stick round here.

They Made The Darwins

Lest ye be unaware, the Darwin Awards are nominally awarded to those who improve the gene pool by self-deleting themselves, usually in a terminally stupid fashion. Art!

Almost relevant

     The winner in this one is a patient who required a nasal cannula to deliver oxygen for their respiration, who was warned DO NOT SMOKE!  

Or, if you do, REMOVE THE CANNULA

     You see, any naked flame or burning substance that encounters oxygen - not air, oxygen - will flare up immediately as oxygen enhances the burning process immensely.

     Darwin Award Winner man ignored the injunction not to smoke, didn't bother to remove the cannula and was thus delivered to the Intensive Care Unit shortly after, with most of the skin burned off his face and the cannula melted into his skin.  He died two days later.

Slow News Year?

The media don't seem to want to bother with the world's ongoing strife and conflict, so instead they are grasping for very thin stories indeed.  Art!

     Conrad, arch-skeptic and rational above all, is not impressed.  I doubt these psychics would pass a double-blind test.  How difficult is it to predict that Donnie Dorko will be seriously ill in 2026?  He now possesses bruises on the back of both hands, not to mention his ankles swollen like sacks of meat, and of course cannot keep awake in meetings if he's not constantly braying like a jackass.  How do they define 'serious' due to their extensive medical knowledge?  Is 'dead' considered to be 'serious'?

    I guess we'll find out, and sooner rather than later.

Shoot Both Feet And Insert Into Mouth

Yet another cautionary and corny tale from the 'Museum Of Failure', one which cost South Canadian taxpayers boatloads of money.  Art!

ETHANOL FROM CORN!

     The idea was that corn would be used to be converted into the fuel ethanol, which burns cleaner than petrol or diesel, and also reduce dependency on refined fuels, making it a cheaper win-win.  The South Canadian government, via various federal agencies, launched into a huge subsidy program to create this bio-fuel -

     Which conversion was so expensive that it saved nothing.  The whole process was a financial bust.  Ooops.  Somebody didn't do scaling-up sums properly.

Finally -

Bye!

When The Source Is -

Trust Me, Broe

NO! That is not a typo.  Do not question my spelling unless you want a taste of the Remote Nuclear Tormentor.  Which is exceedingly unpleasant, just to be clear.  What's more, as it does not disintegrate the target into a cloud of radioactive vapour, as the Remote Nuclear Detonator does, I can torment you repeatedly <rubs hands with malicious glee>.  Art!

     Apologies for mucking about with the package label, but the entire thing would have included my address, which I'm a teensy-tiny bit apprehensive about posting onto teh Interwebz. 

     So, what could this mysterious package from Estonia be?  O I thought you'd never ask!  Art!

     Tasteful and stylish.  I ordered it in October and had forgotten what the badge design was.  In case you're unsure, this is a rendition of what Jake Broe calls the 'Bingo Board' and we'll get to that later.  The postcard also has a photo of Jake on the other side.  Art!

     Jake resplendent in his uniform from his USAF days as a Nuclear Missile Operations Officer, a post he held for 4 years after 2 years of training.  You might expect him to be a sober-minded conservative who votes for the Wizard Gizzard Lizard party and has a MAGA sticker on his car.  Not a bit of it.  He loathes the Orange Land Whale with a passion, and all the poisonous coterie that surround BOOH.

     For those of you unaware, Jake has raised about $6 million in aid for Ukraine, purchasing 5 batches of adapted 4WD trucks.  So, for this Intro, I am going to feature his Youtube channel's latest vlog.  Art!

     

Sectors"

     Jake always starts with the running casualty totals as put out by Ukraine, and the latest one is both eye-opening and jaw dropping.  Art!

     I guessed that the orcs would be up to 1.25 million casualties by the end of this year and I'm not far off.  This, to be analytical about it, is about 6 times the original invasion force of February 24th 2022.  Over the whole of 2025 the orcses have gained as much as 0.5% of Ukraine in exchange for 400,000 casualties, a subject we shall return to.  Art!

     This graphic stood at '1' for a couple of years.  No, we do not count all the Ruffian naval vessels now sitting on the bottom of the Black Sea.  Art!

     This is the Ukrainian 'Kostiantyn Hoholenko's 'Bingo Board', listing all the major refineries in Mordorvia, how far they are from Ukraine and when a Firepoint drone or two paid a visit.  Art!

     

     I put this illo up so you can see where the tasteful and refined badge design comes from.  This refinery was last given a dose of 'kinetic sanctions' at the end of August.  It took the orcs 4 months to repair it, and then BOOM kinetic sanctions once again.  According to 'War Translated', whom I think is Estonian, the ELOU-AVT-5 unit was damaged, the functions of which make it sound like one of the delicate, expensive and highly flammable cracking units.  Ooops.  No refining being done for another 4 months, then, which means a loss of about $1.5 billion.  

     Then Jake examined a set of economic data put up on Twitter by 'Evgen Istrebin' which I have already seen.  At this point there are two economies in Mordorvia: the military-industrial one and the civilian sector, and only the MI one was doing well (until recently).  Mind you, if you fail to hit your MI quota you get arrested and the FSB takes over your business.  And you don't get to decide what your quota is, the Kremlin decides that.

     ANYWAY things are - how shall I put it? - Dog Buns! awful for the civilian economy.  Art!

     EVERYTHING is down in 2025.  Nor are these figures guesstimates from MI6 or the CIA, they are data supplied by the Ruffian statistics agency Rosstat, so they may have been given a positive spin as Mordorvian state agencies are not known for scrupulous honesty.  As an example, tractors, essential for agriculture, are down by 61%.  Bulldozers, essential for construction, are down 37%.

     It gets worse in this slow-motion trainwreck.  Art!

      The very risky military tactic of robbing Pyotr to pay Pavel.  Allegedly, this is why the Ukrainians regained Kupyansk; orcses had been sent from that region to try and conquer Pokrovsk, leaving weak areas even before their push south.  There was a recent statement from an Ukrainian intelligence officer that in November, for the first time, there were not enough new orcses to replace losses, making the problem above much worse.  Jake speculated that Putin might try another mobilisation in 2026, to raise more 300,00 troops.  Troops who are not interested in the Special Idiotic Operation and want no part of it, who are likely to desert at the first opportunity or flee the country, and who can't be properly trained, armed or supplied.  Art!

Prez Zed at Kupyansk

     Nobody dares to show Putinpot this photo or he'd soil himself with rage.  Tee and indeed hee.

 

Sack That Sub-Editor!

You'll see what I mean in a minute.  Art!

     You can tell this is South Canadian because they spell 'Honour' incorrectly.  

     What is the 'Pop-Tarts Bowl'?

     What is a 'Mascot Ring'?

     Is 'Halftime' a location or an event?

       Let me dig a little.  Art!

     So!  It's that South Canadian version of rugby that they confusingly call 'Football'.

A Mascot Ring of Honor is a specific, lighthearted award created by the Pop-Tarts Bowl college football game to commemorate the edible mascots that have been "sacrificed" (eaten) in previous bowl games. 

     Conrad has never eaten a Pop-Tart in his life and has no intention of changing that fact.  And that sub-editor is still fired.

Just What You Never Knew You Needed

My news feed throws up bizarre sidebar items and this one is an example.  Art!

     Conrad has no idea what that illustration shows, but can definitely get behind safety compliance.  Shall I click on it?  O go on then.

     This is the type of pit they are offering to cover.  I suspect that upper illo was the result of somebody inept using an AI Art Generator, because there is no safety pit visible.  

This Sounds Like A Drama In Two Parts

Yet another entry from the 'Museum Of Failure', which is an excellent resource if a bit light on detail when needed.  Art!

     This is 'Old Breed', which was a beer-flavoured whisky retailed by the Seagram company.  It was the brainchild of Edgar Bronfman Junior, who had recently taken over the business from his father, when it had been a profitable going concern.

     It was not a success.  Apparently it smelled vile and tasted worse, so one wonders how it got through any kind of testing process.  Unless Edgar just ordered it to be made anyway, as he had a track record of making bad decisions.  Art!

     This is what happens when you try to turn a distillery business into a film and record business and think beer-flavoured spirits is a good idea, too.  We shall probably come back to this story, it has legs.

Out Of Curiosity

Conrad popped over to  'Box Office Mojo' to see how 'Sinners' was doing.  Pretty dang well, it seems, but it also depends on what their overall budget was.  According to teh Interwebz, $90 million.  Then you have to factor in distribution and promotion, so possibly another $30 million on top of that, making $120 million total.  Art!

     They only get back half the box office, which is still $183 million, or a profit of $63 million.  Don't be surprised if there's a sequel, because the post-credits scene hints at the possibility.  

Finally -

Degsy chalked up a note on the kitchen chalkboard, about us needing washing-up liquid, which Wonder Wifey mis-read as 'Fairy Blood'.  So I may have to stroll up to the shops to get a bottle of gory elf-liquid.