Spider Man

No!
We are not talking about the Tom Noonan character from the film "Eight-Legged Freaks", who appears at the beginning and SPOILER ALERT!  SPOILER ALERT!  promptly dies amidst his freakishly large collection of spiders.  Nor are we talking about the Marvel Comics character, the one who claims to be friendly and yet adorns his costume with a spider logo.  Yeah, spiders, well-known for their touchy-feely qualities.* Art?

How about "Arachno-Boy"?

     I think I can answer my own question there - there's far too great a chance that some media hack, working off their hangover with pills and coffee, would mistype "Arachno-Boy" as "Anarcho-Boy", which would be bad, since South Canadians detest anything that smacks of leftism.  Not only would J. Jonah Jameson be after him, so would the local and state police, not to mention the FBI and Homeland Security.
     "Okay, that's explained in detail what it's not.  What are you actually referring to?" I hear you query.     And then I hear your sigh and muttered comment "Oh god we're back to that black and white monster film about a giant weasel again, aren't we?"
     Pausing only to shake my head in both negation and wonder - for a film about a monster weasel sounds pretty awesome!** - I mean the film "Tarantula", and my commentary on it making me a bit of a man going on about spiders.  Hence today's title.

Giant weasels are a trope.
Who knew!

     So, after a lot of beating about the shrub (similar to beating about the bush, just on a smaller scale), we come back to the film.
     I am not going to post any Spoiler alerts for this, the film is over sixty years old and you must have seen at least some of it by now.  Okay, one of my quibbles is that the giant spider is apparently impervious to high explosives, because it walks through an explosion caused by the detonation of about six boxes of dynamite.  Art?

Egads!  Unscathed!

     A quick and dirty calculation renders about a hundred sticks of dynamite in each box, totalling about 300 pounds of explosives.  The spider also shrugs off umpteen hits by rockets, which not only possess significant explosive potential, but which also have kinetic energy on their side.  Art?

Corpus intactus

     As you can see, entirely unharmed.  This is an example of Niche Fallibility (a term I just made up but which may also exist for real over on TV Tropes), wherein the evil vampire catweasel can only be killed by a club made from Roquefort cheese sourced from the Rhone valley in the third week of May.  That sort of thing.  So too the spider, because what finishes it off is good old South Canadian napalm.  Art?

World's biggest barbecue -

     - yes indeed, though I doubt you'd get anyone to eat any of it, and I bet it would smell disgusting.  Fortunately the wind is carrying both smoke and smell away from town.
     Of course, I may be overthinking this ...

In Range Yet Out Of Date
As you ought to know by now, Conrad regards the 'Sell By' date on foodstuffs as a challenge, not a warning.  Other people also take this approach, including Ian and Karl of "In Range", a Youtube channel.  They had been given a Russian MRE or ratpack; that is, 'Meal Ready to Eat" in South Canadian parlance, or a 'ration pack' as the armed forces of Perfidious Albion have it.  Art?

Unpacking begins

     The problem was, this particular MRE dated from 2005, and commentators on Youtube explained they ought to be disposed of after 2 years.  This film is from 2017.
     Also, neither of them could read Cyrillic, so they had no idea what things were or what they were eating.  

     I say "they" but only Karl was daft enough to try eating one of the pre-packed containers, and afterward complained that it made his mouth burn.  As you can see above, crackers feature largely in the Ruffian MRE; these are a substitute for bread, and need to be used as a version of fork and spoon.  Other Youtube commentators pointed out that things would have been a lot more palatable if they'd been heated up with the hexamine tablets supplied.  Conrad knew what one foodstuff was.  Art?

"CAXAR"

     Which is Cyrillic for "Sachar" or sugar.  The mysterious small single package was instantly classed as "Poison capsule", leading some joyless Ruffian poster complaining about blah blah blah.  Whilst the crackers were said to smell mouldy, another poster said they smell that way even when fresh.  As Karl pondered, did the stuff taste the way it did because it had spoiled, or were they just unfamiliar with Ruffian cuisine?
     It wasn't all bad.  Art?

Iced tea from mixture

     Karl loved the tea mixture, and stated he preferred it over Lipton's, so there is something positive to take away from the experience.
     Some of the food is identified by posters, including beef and fat, pork and barley and a meat spread.  Sorry, no roast spider ...

Right, time to let the motley out of the isolation tank, where we stored it overnight, and see if - what's that?  Gibbering insanity?  Oh well.  Do we still have the number for that psychiatrist?

*  Irony, in case you missed it.
**  Or is it just me?***
***   Okay, it is just me.