Ha! Gotcha!
You were, doubtless, imagining that this was going to be another one of Conrad's endless references to Captain James Bigglesworth of 266 Squadron, whose biography was written by W.E. Johns. 266, you see, flew the Sopwith 'Camel' biplane, a design known at the time as a 'scout' but which we, in our better-informed 21st Century knowledge, call a 'fighter'. Art!
Now there's a cover with a very high NNNYYEAAWWW factor. If we take a cold, hard look at the Camel, and if Art will put down his bowl of anthracite -
If you look closely you can see the 'hump' that housed the twin Vickers machine guns, which is where the plane acquired it's name. Furthermore, the engine was a rotary one, which means that the engine itself spun around, providing tons of torque in one direction, which facilitated turning that way. Going against the torque was a bit of a bind, though. Art!
Another interesting point about the Bentley engine was the lubricant: castor oil. Yes, the stuff used to relieve bowel blockages in members of Hom. Sap. It was sprayed into the engine, and a fair amount of it also sprayed out. Captain Johns alleged it was possible to identify a Camel pilot by the oil-stained flying jacke
ANYWAY that's far too much of what this Intro's NOT about. No. Today we are, once again, going to be mocking the Ruffian army, which today isn't even the best army in Ruffia, and their - ah - 'extemporised' logistics.
Logistics is the art and science of supplying your armed forces, and is quite as important as having enough tanks and guns, because a tank without fuel is simply a very expensive pillbox, and a gun without ammunition is merely an over-engineered club. Logistics has always been severely neglected by the Ruffians, because it takes two weeks to die of starvation and they can always drink from puddles. Art!
Behold! a Bactrian being used by bacterium. This is how the orcs are getting around now, by camel. Yes, seriously. This is not as impossible as it might seem, I have watched a clip of Ukrainian soldiers on patrol coming across a stray camel in a village. However - that word again - going back two thousand years in terms of transport is not reallllly the flex that the Ruffians think it is.
The upside is that, despite it's name, you cannot eat the Ruffian 'Loaf' van, a.k.a. the 'Bukhanka', whereas, with the camel, if rations run short - Art!
In case you think this is an isolated occurrence, the orcs are now being supplied with donkeys for transport, because they've lost so many KAMAZ trucks to Ukrainian drones, artillery, mines, breakdowns and accidents.
Just stop to ponder on that for a moment. This is the 21st century and Modern-day Mordor is reduced to using donkeys.
As I pontificated on Twitter, there is actually a place in modern warfare for donkeys or mules in pack trains, being used to carry supplies, and we've covered this on BOOJUM! in the past, in an abstract sense, in the pages of "The War Illustrated" and the splendidly detailed account in Professor Caddick-Adams "Monte Cassino". Art!
These are mules in Burma, where there were mountains and dense jungle, both of which would abruptly stop vehicles. Not the sure-footed, sturdy and uncomplaining mules, though. Art!
These are Italian volunteer muleteers in Italy, where there were, again, mountains, and also mud. Mud that would stop a jeep but not the humble donkey, which could traverse six inches of wet clay no problem.
The common theme here is 'mountains'. Mountain ranges are distinctly missing from Ukraine, which is mostly as flat as a billiard table. There are a few distinctly unimpressive 'mountains' in the Carpathians and Crimea, which are nowhere near the conflict zones and which thus don't require donkeys.
How bureaucratic and bumptious the Ruffian High Command is can be judged by the fact that they have officially supplied donkeys - and at least one camel - in lieu of cars, which the orcs had bought themselves, and which were then 'confiscated'. Or, to be more accurate, stolen.
From Infantry Fighting Vehicles to e-scooters, and from GAZ trucks to donkeys, the inevitable march of progress. Art!
More Of The Worst Films Of 2024
Thank you to Jeremy Jahns, who nobly subjected himself to a whole lot of torture over the past year so that we don't have to. Let us now look at Number 9 on his list of execrable offerings. Art!
I've never seen it nor heard of it yet I think I can sum it up from the poster alone: another cookie-cutter slasher horror film featuring extremely stupid people behaving ineptly and dying horribly one by one. Am I right? Art!
There doesn't seem to be any information about the budget, which implies it was more a thread of cotton than a shoestring, nor about what box office it did. No wonder Ol' Jezza drowns his sorrows with a glass of whisky.
Conrad - Still ANGRY!
I have been stockpiling my Frothing Nitric Ire for Lo! these many weeks, I can tell you, making a list and adding to it every time I deal with insolent and obscurantist Codeword compilers. Let the venom flow freely today!
ZYMOLOGY: Come on, I bet you've never heard of this one before. I have, because I've been doing Codewords for years and they tried it on with this word before. It is the science of fermentation, so it applies equally to beer and bread and is not to be confused with a Zueglodon or zeugma. Art!
AXIOM:No! Not the creepy plastic mannikins from "Doctor Who". This is a lot more profound, if considerably less exciting. "A generally accepted proposition or principle, sanctioned by experience" according to my 'Collins Concise Dictionary'. Art!
Thank you AI Art Generator. Quite what a mountain has to do with the Greek root 'Axios' meaning 'Worthy' I don't know, unless they refer to a pack train of donkeys ascending the pass between peaks?
TABARD: This is a variety of sleeveless jacket, typically worn in times past by heralds or knights, derived from the Old French, except nobody's too certain of the original spelling, nor where it arrived from in France. Art!
How it's going How it was
Nowadays they are used for much more down-to-earth purposes such as protective gear in the catering industry. Ho hum.
A Whole Lot Of Nothingburger
Conrad regularly sees sidebar items about various celebritutes I've never heard of before, including the following. Art!
Who are these characters? Actually, more to the point, who cares who these characters are. Conrad is entirely unfamiliar with them, except that they may be that lowest of low-hanging fruit, rap 'musicians' <hack spit>. No, I cannot be bothered enough to even Google about them. One of them seems connected with the Superb Owl celebrations in South Canada, where they revere the wise owl - symbol of Oldham and Athens - or something.
Our Journey With Bernie
Is getting a bit more fraught, as it seems the higher-numbered FPG cards are under-represented on teh Interwebz. Numbers #73, #74. #75 and #76 are missing from Google searches, so we have to jump to #77: 'Fish Sticks'. Art!
Clearly, this innocent fish is being maliciously attacked by a female member of Hom. Sap. who is trespassing in regions she ought not to be swimming in, or have I gotten it wrong?
Finally -
Monday was a wash-out. How is Tuesday going to do better? We're watching you, Tuesday!
No comments:
Post a Comment