Normal Service Restored. I Hope!

Yesterday's Hideous Technical Deformations
     This has happened before with BOOJUM!  A problem with navigating causes text to change font and pictures to disappear.  The cursor also picks up the format of a random photograph and caption, so when attempts are made to restore fonts or reposition the picture or add the caption again - the cursor dumps that formatting wherever it rests.  This can render the whole blog unreadable; luckily most of yesterdays could be saved instead of starting from scratch.
     Plus I picked up a stone in my shoe at work.
   



Bus Posters
     As you already know, these are an absolute boon to Conrad, given that they change frequently, are common and catch his eye because they move at speed.  Some companies are letting the side down, though - yes I'm looking at you, Stagecoach, and JPTransport as well.  No posters on your buses?  Lax!  Very lax!

Stageroach.  Close enough

     Where was I?  Oh yes.  A bit thin today, nothing really meaty for Conrad to get his teeth into.  
     "Want More Great Taste?" asked the advert for either Coke or Pepsi, Conrad couldn't be bothered remembering which, because he doesn't drink either.  Well, okay, I empty the dregs at the bottom of the bottle so we can chuck it and make room in the fridge.  
     Then there was "Chip Chip Hooray" - McCains Oven Chips that one.  I can't really ladle invective on McCains for their oven/microwaveable chips.  I love chips as much as the next Hom. Sap., especially home-made ones, But!  doing that makes the whole Mansion smell like a chippy for the next day.
    There was "The Lego Movie" on a big advertising hoarding.  What can I say?  Every parent who ever had a child has, or had, a big collection of Lego bricks.  Just as certainly they have also stood on one of those selfsame bricks.  
     Bloody hell they hurt.  RIgid plastic with sharp edges and sharp corners, cunningly coloured to camouflage against the carpet.  I hope cinemas showing "The Lego Movie" enhance the experience by casting buckets of bricks up and down the aisles and forcing viewers to go about barefoot.

There are hundreds of images about stepping on a Lego.  Clearly I have tapped into something primordial here.

Rainbows
     The best thing about rainbows is that they're free.
     No, sorry, the best thing about rainbows is that they're beautiful.  And free.
     No!  the best things about rainbows is that they're natural and beautiful (also free).
     Here is a local example from yesterday early evening:

Altogether now - "Paint the whole world with a -"

Just think.  Natural, beautiful, occuring at random dependent on the weather and CANNOT BE PREVENTED! (also free).  Guess who hates rainbows?  President Putin, apparently.  Zippy and Bungle are already on a list of personae non grata ...

Bread Substitute.  Hmmm.  No.
     I came across a recipe that claimed to be akin to a substitute for bread.  Conrad scoffed heartily at this, since he consumes much in the way of bread on a daily and weekly basis.  The recipe used steamed, mashed cauliflower 

The Cauliflower Conservation Club were too late for this victim -

mixed with egg and cheese and herbs and baked in the oven until brown

What can I say?  Brown.

It can't have been too bad - there was none left by the time Conrad returned from work this evening.
     I wonder what the result would be if boiled potato were substituted for the cauliflower?  You know, I feel an experiment coming on.

A Little More Musical Criticism
     Ah me.  I do apologise if there are any Simon and Garfunkel fans out there who fizz with anger at Conrad's poisoned jibes at the duo's expense.  Don't worry, I will get around to twitting other bands, promise.
     Well well well.  "Baby Driver"  How do the lyrics go, Paul?

     "They call me baby driver -"

     STOP RIGHT THERE!

It'll all end in tears. "Fastest pram in the world" indeed!

     Actually I was more thinking along the lines of

This!  This is what happens when you let babies drive!

Lastly
     But certainly not leastly, even though beastly

Edna, madly trying to get close enough to Conrad to lick his face off!

     

Not Enough Puppeh -

The Verdict On Yesterday's Blog

     Oh well, experimentation and all that, you know.  Don't worry, you're not about to be overwhelmed by pictures -

Like this

- since Conrad's brand of nonsense lightly leavened with the surreal will continue.  As proof, let me say

"Rafstraumur"
     For me, the stand-out track on Sigur Ros' "Kveikur" album, although some others run it close.
     "What does it mean, Conrad?" I hear you cry*.
     Er - you got me there.  Jonsi is either singing in Icelandic, which is a real proper language more akin to Old Norwegian than Danish - yes, I thought that would surprise you! or Vonlandic, which is a nonsense language he makes up on the spot.  I cannot tell the difference.

     Conrad sees the opportunity to string themes together here.  Ladies, gentlemen, visiting non-gendered hermaphrodites from Alpha Centauri, the KV2:

     The title does suggest "RAF's Trauma".  Ah, and before you leap to the obvious, may I present:

Ladies and gentlemen, Raf Vallone

     Conrad sees the opportunity to string themes together here.  Ladies, gentlemen, visiting non-gendered hermaphrodites from Alpha Centauri, the KV2:So - Tanks?

Yes, Raf Vallone, Italian character actor, whom you will have seen in "The Italian Job"**.
  Obviously - what else can it be! - Jonsi is singing about this actor's character being outwitted by Michael Caine.  Yeah.  Losing all that gold bullion - a right trauma.

What's In A Name?  Part One
     Here we are with a quadripartite article on the name "Nimrod".
     1)  In contemporary urban culture, "Nimrod" is a mildly insulting term used of one deemed to be socially inadequate.  Quite how this has come to be is a manner for etymologists, philologists, lexicographers and the Rabid Rats street gang to debate.  All Conrad does is present you with the term.

Your navel!  He's looking at your navel.  Which - is still a bit creepy.

2)  Then we have the ancient and historical Nimrod, quoted in the Bible (nice work if you can get it) as being a "mighty one on the Earth" and a "Mighty hunter before God".  Clearly not someone with acne and braces who reads "Twilight".

Looks like lead singer in a musical.  Get it together, Nimrod - look more manly!

3)  Next comes the RAF Nimrod.  No, nothing to do with Mr. Vallone.  This was a maritime patrol aircraft that stooged about the North Atlantic looking for Russian submarines or lost sailors.  Don't let the look of an airliner fool you, this thing carried mines, missiles, torpedoes, nuclear depth charges and a small microwave for heating up ready meals.

Look at it.  Positively thirsting to drop explodey things on Russians

4)  This one's a sound.  Conrad has not yet mastered posting audio files so you'll have to make do with a portrait of the composer Elgar:

I say, sir!  Splendid tash you have there!

Number 10 of the Enigma Variations is titled "Nimrod".  Here's a Youtube clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgoBb8m1eE

There you go.  Nimrod.

What's In A Name? Part 2
     Yes, especially if it's a very short name.  Here's just about the shortest name you can get (unless you use punctuation marks, which is kind of cheating):

V

     Now, imagine what goes through Conrad's mind in 1984.  The Olympics are being monopolised by the BBC, so ITV is boasting about a new series it has purchased from America, called by the simple title     Why is this significant?  Remember yesterday's blog and Conrad banging on about a major misapprehension on seeing a bus poster?  Well a good thirty years ago he had polished off two novels by Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" and his debut "V".  "V" involves separate strands of narrative that eventually meet - like the letter V - in the port of Valetta during the run-up to the Suez Crisis.  Typically for Pynchon it pops off in all directions and one tangent had Conrad wincing at a detailed description of rhinoplasty.  

                                V

"Hang on," muses a puzzled Conrad.  "This is a complex, long, idiosyncratic book that lacks obvious screen appeal.  Or am I an erroneous elitist?"
     Of course I was!  ITV had bought the rights to that sci-fi epic - well, the first series anyway - "V".

     Conrad sees the opportunity to string themes together here.  Ladies, gentlemen, visiting non-gendered hermaphrodites from Alpha Centauri, the KV2:

     Conrad sees the opportunity to string themes together here.  Ladies, gentlemen, visiting non-gendered hermaphrodites from Alpha Centauri, the KV2:So - Tanks?

Twice the Nazi-busting zap of a mere KV1

Obviously Russians couldn't get enough KV, the KV1 didn't satisfy their urge to get more, so they came up with the KV2.  This monster weighed over 50 tons, about twice what contemporary tanks weighed, was 12' tall and mounted a 152mm howitzer.  The turret was so heavy it couldn't rotate if the tank was on a slope.
     Russians and gigantomania - gotta love 'em!







     

State Of Mild Panic Over

My Diary Was At Work - Not Lost
     Plus I didn't have to be in until 9:15, though I took the precaution of leaving the house at 7:50 just in case.
     Good job too, because that malicious deity Hermes had arranged for traffic to be backed up all the way into Royton.  Here's a photo that doesn't show anything.

What a perspective!

 Consequently Conrad only just got in on time <shakes fist at Hermes>

Now A Little Pertinent Music Criticism
     Yes, by Jove!  I have been using that excellent streaming resource "Grooveshark" to play Simon and Garfunkel, and I was struck by the opening lines of "The Boxer"

                     "I am just a poor boy, and my story's seldom told"

Paul Simon you big fat liar!  You are a millionaire many times over - okay, a small, slim liar - and couldn't ever be called a poor boy, not least because you have certainly attained your majority.  As for "seldom told"?  I played this track at least once a night last week and in the Seventies it infested the airwaves like a disease-with-a-melody.
     Simon and Garfunkel - masterful tunesmiths but only distantly acquainted with the truth.

Pall Bearer and Garfield.  Close enough.

Today's Dual Nod To John Carpenter
     Director of some of the most audacious documentaries ever seen, John's cutting and perceptive deconstruction of politics, advertising and the media that was "They Live" has finally resulted in a similarly epic reveal.  Now it can be told:

Barney.  Playground Prince Of Evil!
     You might not be familiar with "Barney", a cuddly purple dinosaur, unless you have kids.  Kids love Barney.  Barney, apparently, loves kids. Big, small, black, white, day-glo, hearing-impaired, irritating or saccharine-sweet, he loves them.

Barney's public face.  O thou deceiver!

The reason Barney loves kids is - No!  He isn't going to eat them.  That would be comparatively merciful.  No, he wants to induct them into his CRUSADE OF EVIL!  Yes, the - hang on, that needs a bit more vim - his CRUSADE OF EEEVILLL!!! - ah, much better.  You see, once you don those special sunglasses or contact lenses that were left over as props from "They Live", you see Barney - you see him as he really is!





Run!  Flee!  Get away while you can!  No, don't stop to pick up the kids - they belong to Barney now!

Today's Second Nod to John
     You may, if you are old enough, or keen enough on John's cutting-edge cinema verite, remember the entirely excellent "Escape From New York", an hilarious satire on the conceit of New-York-as-gaol.

How wrong could they be!  No!  Not the date. You never see the SoL's head lying on the ground.  

     Rather less successful was a sequel, "Escape From LA", although again it hit all the satirical coconuts with it's merciless lampooning of West Coast life.

"Snake" is right.  The man has NO redeeming features!

     Since "EFLA" was not a commercial success, the third film in this trilogy didn't get made, although Conrad (thanks to contacts and alien orbital satellite technology) can confirm a script exists for "Escape From Planet Earth".  This - bear with me, I'm trying to be concise - involves humans transmogrified by contact with dark matter spreading across the planet, converting anyone they touch into similar dark matter-men, possessed of immense strength.  It's only a matter of time before they destroy all humanity - which is where Snake comes in, trying to "Escape From Planet Earth".

Okay, have I worked you up into a state of eager frothing anticipation?  Only a bit?  Right.

That's ten minutes wait - oh, now you're ready!  yes, today as Conrad strode purposefully with a manly step, a set jaw and steely eyes <Mr Hand requests the blog move on from this narcissistic nonsense> he caught a bus poster from the corner of his eye.
     "Escape From Planet Earth", it proclaimed, moving past at speed, preventing any lingering look.
     Conrad was so stunned he sat down in a convenient bus shelter and breathed into a brown paper bag.  Could it be?  Someone rich, tasteful and absolutely bonkers had given John $100 million and told him "Do what you like!"  And he'd finished the "Escape" trilogy, most especially because Conrad would breathe happier if he had.
     Then another bus came by and Conrad saw with crushing disappointment that the background was bright and cheery, and that it was animated, and it looked to be a comedy, and lo, Conrad's heart sank lower than the belly of a  - no, I can't say it, it hurts too much ...

The horror!  The horror!

Angry Cats
     Yes, apparently our cyborg sentry cats are unhappy at being displaced in the Authorities hearts by that rascal Edna.  Jenny would be happy to get along with the pup if she wasn't so damned active; Beej, on the other hand, warms up his laser eyes and tracks Edna across the floor - although he knows not to fire, or he'd get disassembled.
     Anyway, two placatory shots of the Cyborg Sentry Cats

Jenny in Idle Layabout mode

Beej in "I'm Going To Fry You Alive With My Hex Vision*" mode

*  Red Dwarf in-joke