The Past Is Another Country

 - They Did Things Differently There
And that's as poetic and reflective as your flinty-hearted (yet gifted) author is going to get tonight.
     I'm aware that it's almost a quote from a poem by someone or other but, frankly, I can't be bothered to find out whom.  I give you permission to trawl the internet if you so wish.  Me, I've got a lot of beer to get through; dangerous poisonous exploding beer that has to be disposed of in a safe and responsible manner, thank you very much.

Conrad's interesting angle on drinking*

     "What brought this on?" I hear you say.  Also "Get on with it, we've got Sunday night telly to watch."
     Really!  Audiences nowadays.  Okay, I was minded by mentioning matte painting yesterday as used in films of yesteryear, where incredibly talented painters would create a background on glass that would be used by the film-makers; usually where the real thing would be too difficult or expensive or time-consuming or all three.  Therefore frequently used in science fiction films; creating a life-size Death Star would probably tax a studio's resources a bit too much.
     Anyway!

There you go.

     Sticking with the Star Wars theme, here's a bit from one of the films, can't remember which, and this whole thing is actually a painting on glass.  The blacked-out section bottom left is where the filmed insert would go - IIRC an exotic local life-form gobbling up another slightly-less exotic life-form.
     The level of detail that the painters went to is shown by this take:

Painstaking

     That chap is using a loupe to get the accuracy correct.  We'll come back to that!
     I can't leave without leaving a link to the Star Wars Matte Painting site that I copied these pictures from:

http://oneperfectshotdb.com/news/the-matte-paintings-of-the-star-wars-universe/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=tarantinos_advice_to_get_the_best_performance_from_actors_the_tool_every_filmmaker_should_use_dealing_with_non_events_in_the_producer_log_and_more

     Well worth a glimpse.  Thank you Isaac Bashevis Singer.
     Now, since I don't have a lot of notes to work off tonight, I shall also include a couple of other matte shots, from "The Thing", where a trio of our American heroes discover the crashed alien saucer:

The studio shot

With the matte added-in

     A little cheaper than building the thing*!

May The Lord Spare Us From Revisionists
Currently your humble scribe is watching "You Only Live Twice" and waiting for Nick Hughes to come up with an interesting, subtle twist on the plot and/or characters.  Come on, Nick, I'm back in work tomorrow!
     "What is the old sponge on about now?" I hear you ask, also "Gosh, isn't "Broadchurch" more entertaining that hearing Conrad waffle on!"  YES THANK YOU! I can find out who your ISP is, you know, and -
     Enough tangential matter.  Let us get back to YOLT**.  The film was made and released in 1967, making it nearly 50 years old, and a good twenty years before the VCR market arrived.  We are now in the digital age, however, which immediately gives licence to an army of people out there who have sufficient time to look over a film on DVD and remark on what they see as MAJOR FLAWS IN THE FILM!!!

Nobody pointed out that Sigmund Freud would have LOVED this film.

     What they perhaps fail to realise is that these films were seen on the cinema screen at the time, and a few years later on television.  Strange as it may seem to you out there now, with access to Youtube and Netflix and <ahem> not-very-legal Torrent websites, we of the public did not purchase private copies of these films that we could run in our home cinema camera system, a frame at a time, making over Ten Million Frames for YOLT, in order to pick on vanishingly short scenes or discrepancies.

"The buttons on his jacket have been buffed with - THE WRONG POLISH!"

     Not only that, as Conrad discovered in his analysis of the Goofs for "Where Eagles Dare", a third of the time these baffoons are completely wrong.
     "The Bell 47 helicopter had a top speed of only 105 miles per hour", crows one commentator.  "Whereas the Wallis autogyro had a top speed of 125 m.p.h. so James Bond could have outrun the hostile helicopters -"
     A ten second search on Google reveals the Wallis (a.k.a. "Little Nellie") had a top speed of 100 m.p.h.
     Bah!

Little Nellie.
This girl can look after herself.

Hubris: The Sin Of Pride
I think this has Greek roots.  Once again, I can't be bothered to check.  If I recall my Greek literature of ancient times, if you as a human exhibited an excess of pride, it was bound to call down retribution from the gods.  They were quite snide about this, to be honest; when they could have let well alone they just had to get a bit of cutting-down-to-size in.  Olympian gods, eh?
     "Greek? Pride?  Where are you going with this, Conrad?" I hear you call.  

The stuff on the right, ta very much

     Take a look at that picture on the right, as the caption above very sensibly recommends.  "Legendary"?  I have never heard of them.  Conrad does not claim to be omniscient, yet if these people were so legendary surely he would have an inkling about them?  A smidgeon?  A tad? A <Mister Hand declares too many silly synonyms used>

That's Not All
Conrad, displaying hubris himself, decided to tackle The Times crossword, fondly believing that a couple of weeks mental exercise on The Metro's version had befitted him for this, the Rolls Royce of crosswords.

Enlarged for your viewing clarity

     Sadly untrue!  I had to resort to - er - basically cheating by looking stuff up on the internet.  For 10 clues, meaning I got 19 on my own.
     Hubris (4 Down "Bases planted around state in arrogance" 6 letters) meant I had forgotten that you need a couple of weeks to find out how the crossword-compiler's mind worked.


* Do you get it?  Do you?  Do - oh you do.
** Which would be a great name for an energy drink.  If it ever gets marketed, I want a percentage!

His Handle Is "Vandal"

Normally We Here At BOOJUM! Avoid Current Affairs
Except it is my blog and I get to say when the rules get bent, highly-stressed or simply broken.  So, here we have today's title, conjured up after a news broadcast sent your humble scribe into a fit of the giggles.
     "What broadcast would that be, Conrad?" I can hear you asking.  "Not that one the network news closes with, about a skateboarding duck?*"
     No, not at all, in fact it was during a rather po-faced item about the recent Nork missile launch, which would not normally be fertile ground for amusement.  However, the American military officer delivering the briefing was "Commander Thomas Vandal".

A Vandal, watching things being built?
Irony meter hits 95%

     He must have heard every possible pun about his name already, so all Conrad will observe is that, as a man commanding the 2nd Infantry Division, who no doubt thirst to take on the Norks with their bare teeth if need be, his surname is apt.

Oh By The Way
In some parts of the UK, "Norks" is a vulgarism for ladie's chest equipment.  Of course we here at BOOJUM! despite being red-blooded men human male, would never use the word in this NSFW way.  

Close enough

     If the word is pronounced with a sneer, a twist of the lip and the raising of an eyebrow, then it refers to that pariah amongst nations, North Korea.
     If, by contrast, it is pronounced with a touch of fond approbation, a cheeky grin and two thumbs-up, then it refers to that winter wonderland, Norway.
     I'm so glad to get that explanation out in the open.

A short pause to go refill my teacup -

Our Neighbours Must Love Us
Edna, predictably going potty with joy at Derek's return, was given her squeaky plastic bone.  This works on the same principle as those noisy toys for small children - squeeze it and it makes a loud squeaking noise.  Emphasis on "noise".

Tolerable - for a total of 30  seconds

     She's now running around downstairs with it and all one can hear is "EEH-AW-EEH-AW-EEH-AW".  If you try and take it off her she thinks it's a chase-and-catch game, and is thus impossible to catch.  You have to bait her in with a dog treat and a swift hand, so she wins either way.

Er - Quite
Not sure what to make of this.  Oh, to the left one can see part of a matte painting for the initial landscape view of Altair IV, in "Forbidden Planet".  Fantastic stuff, painted on glass and a lost art nowadays thanks to computer graphics.
     Anyway, that has nothing to do with what I was posting about.  Art?

No, no - ignore the weird landscape.  The weird creature.

     Now the Foobs come up with very bizarre Suggested Posts, yet this is an advert in the sidebar.  "Of course!" said the advertising agency.  "People inevitably opening a bank account with duck-billed platypii!"
     Actually, no they don't.  And, cute as they undeniably are, one does not see them roaming the avenues and alleyways of our cities.  Not in the Northern Hemisphere at least.

An Intellectual Cha - GET OFF MY PAPER!
Conrad, emboldened by doing the Cryptic Crossword in The Metro of a morning, decided to tackle The Times version.  I got about 10 answers, being careful to fill them in with a pencil rather than ink, just in case.

Cross?  You bet!

     My intellectual challenge was consistently thwarted by Jenny, who simply had to get out of her cat igloo (visible behind her head) and come lie on the paper.  I'd throw her off and she'd come back straight away, and <ahem> your modest artisan is too soft to chuck her out on an incredibly cold, windy day.  Eventually I gave up, and should perhaps thank Jenny as otherwise I'd probably still be there, pondering whether or not "hubris" is the correct answer ...

Towards The 200 Total
If you recall, the BBC website queried whether it was possible to read 200 books in a year.  If you don't have to work for a living, most certainly you can!  I've just finished reading, or more accurately skimming, "The History of the 51st (Highland) Division", for about the seventh time.  All towards compiling my Index, if you want to know.
     I've also just finished "With Rommel In The Desert", by Heinz Schmidt.  As you might guess, this is an account from the other side of the hill and Heinz confirms some of Conrad's observations about the Desert War:  at all times, the Afrika Korps would be under watch by British armoured cars, who appeared on the horizon to keep constant scrutiny on their opponent; the RAF was a persistent and dangerous presence, Heinz dubbing the British Hurricane aircraft "Huren Kanen", which is rude enough for me not to translate; and the Royal Artillery were never to be trifled with if you valued being alive and in one piece.

The edition I have

     So at least another 198 to go ...

* A real thing.

Alas And Alack - Back On Track

That Is, You Now Have A Second Chance
To appreciate my mordant wit, before you ask.  Yesterday's post was very much a makeshift, as I have found that not posting leads to the instant departure of your (not very) loyal audience, and one then has to - I believe the phrase is "bust one's ass" - make an effort to catch up again.

An ass that is well and truly busted

     So here we are again*.
     "Gosh!  But what can you possibly find to post about a second time on a Saturday, Conrad?" I hear you ask.  "That would take rare wit, imagination and application - "  thank you, thank - " - none of which you possess."  Yes, THANK YOU for your underwhelming appreciation of my creative ability!
     Enough wibble - let fly with the scrivel**!


"Brave New World"
This phrase was used by some of our management at work, prompting comments from the better-read members of staff.  Not from Conrad, as he was apparently having a refreshing nap at the time; getting on a bit, you know, needs his beauty sleep like very few of you out there need it.

A Brave in the New World

     Conrad remembered that it's a quote from Shakespeare, which is ironic, as you well know by now your modest artisan HATES the Barn of Avon with a passion.

"O brave new world,

That has such people in't."

     I sent this to Sophie - yes, this Sophie not that Sophie - as she mentioned that it had been mentioned.  The novel itself is a quite profound study of a deliberately engineered society, where "engineered" can be defined as "self-perpetuating docile slavery".  One of the C20's most important and relevant novels, it's also quite readable.  Unlike the works of Thomas Pynchon***, it's also quite short.
     One thing your gifted author didn't realise is that the quote above comes from "The Tempest", which is the only play written by the Lard of Avon that Conrad will not instantly shoot down in flames, as it forms the basis of one of his favourite films, "Forbidden Planet".  Yes really.

"Enter sailors, wet"
Art!  What have you been drinking?

The Birds.  No Preamble.

BLACKBIRD:  No sign of Thrush this morning.  Wonder where the old fruit has gotten to?

<Very long pause>

STARLING: Blimey guvnah, you still 'ere^?

BB:  I thought you only showed up at the conclusion for a soupcon of salacious inference?

S:  ?

BB: You're the comic relief.

S:  Oh, English.  Guvnah, your mate's 'istory.  Gone.  Dead as mutton.  Or is it pork?

BB: What?  WHAT!

S: Yuss.  Or is it mince?

BB: Never mind the foodstuffs - what happened?

S: Oh, it were Sir the Reverend His Majesty Conrad.  Wiv a gun.

BB: What - Fatty showed up, armed?

S:  I ain't calling him that - he's the Mighty And Powerful King Conrad from now on.

BB:  This is puzzling.  Normally Fatty is like the Brontosaurus - large yet placid^^.

S:  Not so much it ain't.  See, I were looking in the bedroom window and I seen he'd got special translation software on 'is PC.

BB:  Ah, yes, no doubt to interpret some of those jaw-cracking Czech words.

S:  Nah, mate.  Nah.  "Bird to Human".

BB: Oh

S:  O indeed.  Your mate was cheerily insulting Fa - Fabulous Sir Conrad of Miracle Mansions when BANG.  Suddenly 'e's 'istory.

BB: O.

S:  'Ere 'e is.  Three cheers for King Conrad!

BB:  Piker!  FOUR cheers for His Imperial Honour Conrad!

S:  Five cheers -

     - then the bus came.

Alvin And The Chipmunks
Normally your humble scribe would merely sneer in a cool, commanding fashion about these films, as they fall under three criteria that he cares not one whit about:  1)  Musicals  2)  For small children and 3) Musicals for small children.

Alvin and the Chip-trunks

     However, he is also aware that Hollywood is so keen on the bottom line that it makes a school of sharks look like a Sixties Haight-Ashbury Love-In.  Seeing an advert for an AATC film on television made him wonder how many of these films have been made?
     Four to date.  Resign yourself to there being a whole lot more, as here is the bottom line for them so far:

Title                                               Cost                               Box Office

Alvin and the Chipmunks                   $60 million^^^                  $360 million
Alvin 2                                             $75 million                      $443 million
Alvin 3                                             $75 million                      $342 million
Alvin 4                                             $ - not known yet            $83 million

    The fourth film has only been on release for a couple of months, so that final Box Office figure is going to rise, believe me.  I reckon it's already made it's money back already.

Earl.  The pearl.

* Happy as can be.  Song lyrics, not real life.
** Portmanteau version of "scribble" and "drivel" which is as compact a definition of the blog as you are likely to get.
*** Come on, you knew I'd shoehorn him in here if at all possible when we're talking C20 novels ...
^   Starling is apparently a Mockney Gangstah Wannabe
^^ Nicked from Tom Baker-era Doctor Who.
^^^ I know!  THAT much?