Akh Sirelis!

Which Is Armenian For "Oh Dear!"
Hello valiant blog readers, thank you for bothering to read the screed of this <thinks> er - steed?
     Enough horsing* around, I bring you further reports of the situation in downtown Tcherbevan (that bits of it still standing), more news of Edna Wunderhund, more numbers than a mathematician would be happy with, and a giant invisible rabbit.  We may encounter Tony the Ten Ton Terror Toad as well, but I'll get to that in good time.
     Okay, I think that's enough preamble,** we should have thrown the Unsleeping Hamster Sentries Of The Interwebz by now, so - lot the metley begin!


Andreivia: Where The Situation Is Grave
 - almost - wait for it - "And-grave-ia".
     Hey, this is all off-the-cuff stuff, no forward planning, I have to get the laughs where I can.
     For the second day of our Crisis Point game, Conrad got a whole lot of re-inforcements - soldiers, an armoured car and a tank.  Whoopee!

Tank and armoured car.  Much good they would do me

     Unfortunately his luck remained as the previous day.  The new infantry squad suffered casualties from the Andrevian Turks and promptly ran away.
     A new element had been introduced - Serj Benkian, political leader of the Andreivian Armenians.  If he got into the Armenian quarter it would immediately and permanently boost the fighting quality of the Armenian militia.

"SERJ!  SERJ!" oh he's been arrested

     Unfortunately Conrad loudly exclaimed "SERJ BENKIAN!  WOW LOOK IT'S SERJ BENKIAN!  SERJ BENKIAN IS - oh what sorry that was supposed to be a secret?"
     Serj and his bodyguards moved onto the table.  Then a NATO Chinook helicopter loaded with more American Special Forces than every other faction put together landed right in front of him.  Serj was last seen disappearing in the direction of the Hague.
    Then who wandered onto the table but a pair of mules being driven by some suspicious-looking characters.

Andy and Ian.  Grace under pressure.

     Conrad's first instinct was to blam them to bits - but then caution took over.  They might be innocent civilian traders, and NATO forces - present in quantity, packing one hell of a lot of firepower and with air support - take a distinctly dim view of civilians getting scragged.  Somewhat reluctantly they were allowed to go about their business before Conrad got to work with attacking that house the Turkish militia had occupied, using his armoured car -

The Andrevian Govt. gunboat arrives
In the background, Russian paratroopers arrive to re-construct the airport

     It turns out the muleteers were a mujaheddin arms convoy carrying AT4 anti-tank missiles, which promptly destroyed my armoured car.
     At this point Conrad had to leave, with his tail not only between his legs but dragging 6 feet behind.

Goodbye to Yorkshire!

     Conrad was blessed on his way with a rainbow. Thank you, Yorkshire, for a delightful send-off.  Arriving back in Lancky, your humble scribe was met with what seemed to be the Atlantic Ocean falling from the skies.


Edna Wunderhund
Sophie at work did question exactly who "Edna" was, as the photo I posted of her had been taken amidst frantic prone wriggling in an attempt to get rid of the onesie.
     "Our dog," I explained.
     Then I thought a little further clarification was needed.  It's not that we dress Edna in a onesie to be cruel, nor for taking hilarious photographs,*** but rather that she's just been spayed and thus we have to stop her getting at her stitches.
     She does prefer the Cone Of Shame, but when wearing this she continually bumps into things and cannot easily retrieve balls or chew toys, and getting up the stairs is a bit hazardous, too.

Edna wearing the Cone Of Shame

     As evidence of her intellect and visual acuity, allow me to inform you that she was stood in the lounge window, casually taking in the scenery and passing traffic, when the 409 bus arrived and Conrad got off it.  Edna paused briefly, recognised me and burst into a paroxysm^^^ of tail-wagging.  Given that it's at least 50 yards from window to bus stop, this is pretty keen.
     Thank heavens she doesn't have mutually-opposable digits or she'd be running the country by now ...

"Harvey"
Tch.  The youth of today.  If I mentioned this at work it would be "D'you mean "Harvey Milk"?" or "Oh yes please a Harvey Wallbanger is just what I need!"^
     No!  I mean the film "Harvey", of 1950 vintage.

His face was a picture ...

     Back in the days when a video recorder was not quite a novelty - WAKE UP THERE! - Conrad recorded this film from a television broadcast, back when there were only four television channels - I CAN BE THERE WITH A BAMBOO SKEWER IN SECONDS! - and watched it frequently.  However, it must be at least 15 years since last watching it and that makes if feel fresh.
     For those of you who have lived under a rock in the Mojave Desert with a blindfold and ear-plugs since 1949, I shall eludicate a little.
     Harvey, the title character, is an invisible rabbit 6 ' 8" tall, the best friend of Elwood P. Dowd, an independently-wealthy man you might describe as "eccentric", "barmy" or "off his rocker".  He happens to give the impression of being mildly-buzzed all the time, though this is one of the film's strengths - it's never clear if he's simply eccentric or has inhaled fifteen-too-many cocktails.

"Me?  Drunk? Oh, Harvey, how - how could you say that ...."

     When his family try to get him committed to an asylum, the audience - and the rest of the cast - discover that Harvey might be invisible - but he's entirely real.  And woe betide anyone who tries to fit up his best friend Elwood ...

Numbers!  Humbers! Cu - No, Sorry, That Was Last Night
Back to the unbelievably fascinating field of statistics.
     Hey, watch it, I can get Mister Hand over there with his - oh, I used that line last night, too?
     Okay, back to the numbers.  I recently installed Google Analytics on Chrome, more in the belief that this makes me sound cool than really knowing anything about it, nor what it does.

Impressive.
If only I knew what it means

     Surprise!  It produces pages of statistics about your blog and visitors thereto.  In fact it produces to much information your humble scribe is a bit over-faced and will have to take some time over the Easter weekend to suss it all out.
     Lucky you.  This means no pages of percentages and percentiles and graphs to worry over.^^

"Mason And Dixon" By Thomas Pynchon
Up to page 479, if you wanted to know.  As ever, since Tom is describing the mid-Eighteenth Century, there are odd words in there that Conrad has never heard before.  I trust that this vicarious reading experience is also educating you, The Audience?
     Okay, Strange Word Number One:
     "Pollicate": the context gave no clue whatsoever, but thanks to the luxury of Google, this turns out to be: "To indicate with a gesture of the thumb". 
     "Sector": never described, this appears to be a surveying instrument, so Conrad haled forth with his Google-fu and here we have a Sector:

A-ha!  Get it?  O - you do.

     You might call it a pre-slide-rule slide-rule, except none of you whippersnappers, young or old, know what a slide rule is was, do you?
     I was also inspired by Tom's mention of an "Indian pudding" to go look up a recipe.  The thing takes ages to cook and bake, 3 hours easily, so I may make it over the Easter weekend.
     I'll let you know.

Jeremy Kyle And Bedlam
I have never seen this Kyle character, and given what I know plus the blog policy on avoiding current affairs, my eyes passing o'er a television screen that happens to display him is vanishingly unlikely.
     "But Conrad!" I hear you call.  "Why are you referring to - gasp! - current affairs?"
     Because, dear audience, back in the Eighteenth century - where Political Correctness would have been thought of as tugging one's forelock in the presence of His Majesty - it was deemed entirely acceptable to pay money in order to visit the lunatics in Bedlam - or Bethlem Royal Hospital - and derive entertainment from them.

On the set of Jeremy Kyle at the BBC - no, hang on -

     Thanks to 21st Century we no longer have to move from the settee, Mr Kyle beams it all into our living rooms.  If you doubt me, Google!


Conrad In Three Words
"Saturnine"
"Sardonic"
"Solipsistic"
     I'm practicing for the inevitable interview in our team's monthly newsletter at work.
     "Saturnine" "Sardonic" "Solipsistic"
     "Saturnine" "Sardonic" "Solipsistic"
     "Asinine" "Catatonic" "Splenetic"
     "Saturnine" "Sardonic" "Solipsistic"
     If they stretch to five words I'll add "Fat" and "Grey"

Also "Severe"?

* Sorry.
** You never hear of "postamble", do you?  Nor even simple "amble" in context.
*** Not completely, no.
^ Since this hypothetical utterance takes place at 9:15 a.m. this reply is cause for worry.
^^ Yet.  Yet.
^^^ FINALLY!  Finally I get to use "paroxysm" in a sentence!  I'm so happy!
UA-61206227-1  +

Numbers, Humbers and Cucumbers

For No Other Reason Than They Rhyme
Let's get the Humbers out of the way:

A whole lot of the squealers

     Technically this is the FV1602, but everyone across the world called them "Pigs", as their bonnet supposedly had a snout-like look to it.
     Cucumbers

Just - cucumbers.

Numbers
Ah, now we get to the meat of the matter.  I am going to recite statistics at you, whilst you sit - STAY RIGHT THERE! - and pretend to be interested.
     If you feel your eyes glazing over, let me know.  Mister Hand can be there in seconds with his Wakey-Uppy Bamboo Skewer.
     Okay, last month BOOJUM! had 893 visitors, which is probably a record of sorts, I haven't gone back over previous months to tally them as I am aware readers have a limited capacity for having numbers shovelled over them.
     I have also added the blog to Google Analytics, which is supposed to, over time, give information about this, that, and a little of the other.  We shall see.

What does it mean?
No idea.  But the bounce rate is 60%

"Mason and Dixon" By Thomas Pynchon
Well past the half-way point of this novel now, and I notice a curious variation in spelling.  Tom, being that he is trying to mimic the language of the 18th Century - or "mimick" as he'd probably write - varies between "axmen" and "axemen".  Which is correct?  Possibly both, I'm sure he'd argue that the final definitive state of spellings hadn't been decided by then.
     He also occasionally quotes a certain "Timothy Tox", a poet, and Conrad* simply had to check him out.  Is he real? 
     Certainly not!
     Lastly Tom mentions an "Indian Pudding", which made Conrad curious.  What is it?
     Apparently this is the American version of a "hasty pudding", made with cornmeal, milk, spices and treacle.  Conrad has the recipe** and, damme, he intends to make one.  The usual "I Made It" rule will apply - good, bad or unmentionably awful, Conrad will eat the whole thing.
     I'll let you know.

See Tcherbevan - Before It Vanishes
I filled you in on the political and military background of the situation in Andreivia yesterday.  Let us see what follows from the initial setting-up of the various factions there:

The Armenian Quarter

Note the English Church.  I knocked the spire off so many times it became a standing joke.
Here we have the Turkish and Armenian militias fighting each other:

     No tactics or subtlety, they simply lined up and blasted away at each other:

     Whilst this occurred, the NATO heavy metal was arriving in the Southern Hills:

"Flee!  Flee!  The Italians are here!"

     Plus a Russian Naval Infantry force was arriving at the Madina Harbour to carry out reconstruction work, with tanks and guns:

Reconstruction tanks and guns, mind
(Gallant Andreivian Govt. forces defending on the near edge)

 "History Of The 51st Highland Division"
Currently reading this Print On Demand volume from Naval & Military Press.  It has a welcome succinct explanation of the publication of histories about the British divisions that fought in World War One:

     However!  It does not have an Index*, which is a bit of a shortcoming.  Nor does it have a list of decorations awarded, not even Victoria Crosses.  And, a peril of books written ninety odd years ago, it assumes the reader is literate in French.  At least they haven't quoted Latin or, good lord aloft, Greek.

Secondary Dad
Whilst Wonder Wifey is off delivering Easter eggs to the younger of the clan, Edna is forced to stay home with the inferior parent.  She was sulking downstairs after sulking in the Upstairs Lair:

"Humans!  Can't live with 'em, can't gnaw 'em to death"

     She isn't overly fond of the onesie and keeps shaking herself furiously to try and dislodge it, to no effect.

Jack The Giant Slayer
More numbers!  Do you remember this film?  Conrad hasn't seen it and doesn't particularly want to.  It scores 6.4 at IMDB, meaning Not Quite Meh in Conrad's brain.
     But the cost, Victoria, the cost! - $195 million.  That's an awful lot of millions.

"Alright.  Own up.  Who farted?"

     It made back $197 million, which is also a lot of millions but with a net profit of only $2 million, or - more numbers! - 1%, Conrad rather doubts there'll be a sequel.
     Brian Singer, whose vanity project it was, did redeem himself with "X-Men: Days Of Future Past".  So that's alright then.**

And there we have the self-imposed 60 minute deadline.  Off to post on social media!


* I could construct one myself, and in fact I may, as I'm peculiar that way.
** It cost $200 million but made back $748 million. So, yes, really alright.

UA-61206227-1